[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: This episode doth containeth actors such as Javier Perez, Joanna Bornes, P.J. nally, Maria Nally, and Drew Robinson.
[00:00:19] Speaker A: I just thought of a word. Juicy Fruit.
[00:00:22] Speaker B: Juicy Fruit.
The gum that lasts five seconds.
Just immediately. Ooh, oh.
[00:00:30] Speaker C: I can call to mind that exact ooh, ah feeling of Juicy Fruit.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: It's you. Every time I would chew Juicy Fruit, I'm like, oh, no, this time it's gonna. It's like. Like I would forget. I'm like, oh, this time it's gonna last at least 15 minutes.
[00:00:43] Speaker D: Okay, my big question for all of you is, are you able to just chew a single piece of gum?
[00:00:47] Speaker B: No, it's. Keep popping it.
[00:00:50] Speaker D: See, that's me too. I can't stop.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: I chew a bunch of, like, sugar free gum at work just to, like, help. It's almost like a.
What do you call it? A toy that keeps your focus.
[00:01:00] Speaker C: Like a.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: Not a stress ball, but like a fidget toy.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: Yeah, gum is my fidget toy, but it's.
Sometimes I'll put like three pieces at once, and they're the stuff with the minty stuff inside. And it will sometimes squirt wrong down my throat and I'm just, like, choking on really hot minty shit in my cubicle. Like, don't mind me.
[00:01:23] Speaker E: Just smoking on hot minty shit.
[00:01:24] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:01:25] Speaker D: Wait, why is it hot?
[00:01:26] Speaker A: Well, it feels hot.
[00:01:29] Speaker E: I'll ask. Why is it Juicy Gum doesn't have liquid.
[00:01:32] Speaker B: Mentos has liquid in it, does it? Yeah, it's Juicy Fruit filled.
[00:01:36] Speaker E: I've never had Mentos. That's so what?
[00:01:38] Speaker B: I'm not Juicy Fruit. It's filled with mint juice.
[00:01:41] Speaker E: It's a fucking fruit gusher for mint.
[00:01:42] Speaker D: Hold on, are we pronouncing it Mentos?
[00:01:46] Speaker A: How do you say it?
[00:01:47] Speaker D: I thought it was Mentos in my mouth.
[00:01:48] Speaker A: I always said Mentos.
[00:01:49] Speaker B: Mentos, the fresh maker.
[00:01:51] Speaker E: Which one do you put in soda to make it explode?
[00:01:53] Speaker C: Mentos.
[00:01:54] Speaker A: Mentos.
[00:01:55] Speaker E: That's the same thing.
[00:01:56] Speaker B: The guys from Dune who do all the calculations. Mentos.
[00:02:00] Speaker A: Mentos.
[00:02:01] Speaker C: Okay, so I don't chew gum. It, like, gives me. It doesn't, like, stay flavorful for very long, and it gives me headaches doing this motion over and over again. Because I do that. I like, go, like, in my sleep.
[00:02:16] Speaker D: Are you chewing the gum, like, really hard?
[00:02:18] Speaker C: I must be. I chew. I do chew really hard and really fast.
Like,
[00:02:24] Speaker E: you gotta save.
[00:02:25] Speaker D: Or the. I don't know if I like, during a meal.
[00:02:27] Speaker C: You're like, oh, yeah. I was like one of the first times that we went to a restaurant together and we were, like, with other people.
Like, PJ ordered food, and I ordered food, and I inhaled my food, and PJ was, like, tucking in and getting, like, sitting down to, like, getting ready to eat and, like, arranging everything. He looks over and he was like,
[00:02:46] Speaker D: did you order food?
[00:02:47] Speaker C: And I was like, yeah, I'm done.
[00:02:49] Speaker D: Wow. Is that when you fell in love?
Nobody chews that hard. I've never seen.
[00:02:59] Speaker A: It was just a yin and yang, you know, we had to be together.
[00:03:02] Speaker C: Perfect love story.
[00:03:03] Speaker D: It's beautiful.
[00:03:05] Speaker B: Speed dating, but only at restaurants.
I guess that's where speed dating is.
[00:03:11] Speaker A: He's a great premise, Drew.
[00:03:13] Speaker E: It's speed dating, but just two people,
[00:03:16] Speaker A: and they've already met, and it takes an hour.
[00:03:20] Speaker C: Wait.
[00:03:21] Speaker D: Okay, guys, guys, think about this. It's a date. It's at a restaurant.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: Okay? Okay. And what if they go to a movie after?
[00:03:28] Speaker B: Whoa.
[00:03:32] Speaker E: One chew, two chew, three chew, four.
And just like that, the flavors no more.
You look across the table and see a woman with whom you think maybe we could be together. Or we may not.
The situation we're in is uncertain and perhaps a bit fraught.
[00:03:56] Speaker A: The need for speed did disrupt their creed.
For these people wished to exchange ideas.
But instead, all they would exchange is the time out fears.
[00:04:10] Speaker D: Everyone in the kingdom was afraid to show their cards. But they all yearned for the one maiden who chews extremely hard.
[00:04:20] Speaker C: And as that one maiden chewed her pebbles we have to understand.
[00:04:26] Speaker A: And as everyone else ate normal food. Ah, yes. Like mutton and potato and leeks.
[00:04:34] Speaker E: The woman chewed her pebbles and chewed them hard. For roughage is necessary
[00:04:43] Speaker B: the Goblin Princess with skin likes rocks for no man could get underneath her frock Unless he could chew as hard as she knew she was worth no man could satisfy no man on earth no.
[00:05:00] Speaker A: For all men in comparison seemed insipid. Where was that beautiful minty liquid?
[00:05:08] Speaker C: That beautiful minty liquid Ready or not. For as it goes down the throat, it be hot.
[00:05:22] Speaker E: All right, man.
[00:05:23] Speaker B: Let's all chew this normal mutton.
[00:05:29] Speaker E: God, that Goblin Princess sure is hot.
[00:05:32] Speaker C: Aye, hot she sure is. But want us she never would for we all but chew normal food.
[00:05:44] Speaker D: I'm ashamed with every shameful bite for every chew is way too light.
[00:05:55] Speaker C: I every single clothes doth be an embarrassment to my teeth and every single rose Doth be thou dead underneath
[00:06:09] Speaker B: but this mutnip be good enough. I just wish it could be a little more tough.
[00:06:18] Speaker A: But at least we have each other with which we can have some fun. I never met before so many men who could chew in unison.
[00:06:30] Speaker E: That's right, boys. Because when lacking the company of a beautiful goblin, we must remember that we are a community. This bar is our home. This food, lovingly cooked by the tavern owner is what binds us together. And we cannot let a goblin, beautiful and not get in the way of this budding relationship we have for eternity.
[00:06:50] Speaker D: Mutton best friends.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: Mutton best friends.
[00:06:55] Speaker E: Mutton best friends.
[00:06:57] Speaker A: Mutton best friends.
[00:06:58] Speaker B: And the sound of the men's cries echoes outside the tavern as the rock seller sadly tries to peddle his wares.
[00:07:10] Speaker A: Oi.
[00:07:11] Speaker B: Does anyone want dinner? Beautiful rocks filled with mint liquid.
[00:07:16] Speaker E: Hello. I could use these rocks to fill out my garden, but it seems you're very specific about only selling them as food.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: They're chewing rocks, mistress. These are the finest grade.
[00:07:26] Speaker E: Oh, goodness. I'm sorry, I cannot buy chewing rocks. I need pebbles to line my beautiful walkway into my home.
[00:07:33] Speaker B: Maybe you could chew the rock down to pebbles. You know, like crunch it in an open mouth and then drip your open mouth crumbs over the garden.
[00:07:41] Speaker E: Sorry, sire. Thou hast a very specific business model. I must away.
[00:07:46] Speaker D: Oh, sir, I'm ever so hungry.
[00:07:49] Speaker B: Here's the finery of your dress.
[00:07:52] Speaker D: Oh, why I thank thee.
Any foods or sweets do you sell?
[00:07:58] Speaker B: Oh. Oh yes, my lady. I sell the finest, hot, minty filled rocks. A free one for you.
[00:08:07] Speaker D: What?
[00:08:08] Speaker B: Put it to your nose. Smell it. How appetizing.
[00:08:12] Speaker D: Am I supposed to eat this?
[00:08:14] Speaker B: Give it a little lick.
[00:08:17] Speaker D: No.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: Just one little lick.
[00:08:20] Speaker D: No. I shan't be licking this rock that you handed me.
[00:08:24] Speaker B: Keep it as a souvenir. And one day, when thou art desperate for a meal. Give it just a little little lick. And my. And I shall back up here.
[00:08:35] Speaker D: I shall save it in me skirts. And if someone do threaten me, I shall use it in self defense.
[00:08:42] Speaker B: I suppose that's how someone could use a rock.
[00:08:45] Speaker A: Foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing. Excuse me, sir. I'm doing a documentary on failure and I couldn't help but notice you look so terrible and are doing awful in business.
[00:09:00] Speaker B: I can't sell my rocks and I can't afford to eat. And I can't eat the rocks.
[00:09:05] Speaker E: I'm sorry, could you say that one more time? I did not get the boom mic right in your vicinity right before.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: Yes, indeed.
[00:09:10] Speaker B: I. I just feel like such a failure because if I could sell the rocks, I could afford to eat. But I can't eat the rocks despite them being normal food for some People, indeed.
[00:09:21] Speaker A: So what you're saying is that you can't understand why people don't like what you're doing, and so you're not changing, Continuing to mope?
[00:09:30] Speaker B: Yes.
In my country, I was the only one who couldn't eat rocks. Others, every other goblin in the town could sustain themselves from deriving nutrients from the hot, minty liquid inside the naturally mined rocks that come in Goblin Land. I left Goblin Land thinking what a beautiful thing I could export me culture.
[00:09:53] Speaker A: So how does it feel? How does it feel to be so boring and sad that you try to share your story and it puts me pretty much to sleep.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: It feels bad. So.
[00:10:05] Speaker A: Oh, well. I think we've got everything we need. This is gonna be the headliner of the Sadness Hour.
[00:10:12] Speaker E: Thank you so much. We're gonna put this in the Sadness Hour at the film festival. It's gonna be phenomenal. People from all the kingdoms will be there.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: All right.
[00:10:20] Speaker E: Could you just sign this release, please?
Thank you. Flimflam. That's a unique name.
[00:10:26] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:10:26] Speaker B: It's a goblin name. I was adopted by goblin parents in Goblin Town.
[00:10:31] Speaker A: Fascinating. Fascinating. Well, thanks, you dumb fuck. I'll see you later.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: I must go into this tavern to. To drink away the last of my money and somehow drink away me woes.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. The shop bell dings.
[00:10:50] Speaker E: And if that goblin Princess was here right now I'd show her how good it is to eat meat.
[00:10:56] Speaker C: Aye, if this Goblin Princess was here right now I'd show her how hard I. I can chew with my molars.
[00:11:06] Speaker A: If this goblin Princess were here right now I'd show her what it looks like when my mouth goes in directions so I can put things in it to eat.
[00:11:23] Speaker B: Do you want to try that one again, brother?
[00:11:25] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Give me another rap. Give me another rap.
All right. Oh, when that brings these gums, new boy, I want to show. I want to show what it looks like when my nose goes a wiggly because beneath it there's things moving in major.
I think we got it. All right, boys.
[00:11:50] Speaker E: We got. There seems to be a newcomer coming into the bar. Let's stop this. Frankly, this talk does not make us look the best in front of new people. It's fun with the boys. But who's this guy who just walked in?
[00:12:01] Speaker D: He looks ever so sad.
[00:12:03] Speaker C: He sure does. He looks like a failure.
[00:12:05] Speaker A: He does.
[00:12:06] Speaker B: Aye. Bartender, I'll take one ale in exchange for a rock. How much ever ale a rock could
[00:12:13] Speaker D: get me Zero ale rock be not legal tender.
[00:12:18] Speaker B: Aw, shocks.
[00:12:20] Speaker C: Aye, we'll Buy him a round of ale.
[00:12:24] Speaker E: Alright boys. A shilling each. That should buy enough ale to get him a bit less of a failure.
[00:12:31] Speaker B: That'd be so kind.
Please. I cannot deserve it. Tell me about yourselves. Who are you?
[00:12:38] Speaker D: We're mutton best friends.
[00:12:39] Speaker E: We're mutton best friends.
[00:12:40] Speaker A: We're mutton best friends. Mutton. We sit round a bar eating mutton. Being friends.
[00:12:44] Speaker C: I mutton best friends we do be sitting around a bar eating mutton and being friends.
[00:12:51] Speaker E: Cooked lamb. Best acquaintances we be sitting around discussing how our teeth stones do chew on it.
[00:12:58] Speaker A: One might consider us as enjoyers of the part of the inside part. Mostly muscular parts of the creature that is commonly tended to in fields. While we together are comrades in arms. But not in arms so much. Just really comrades.
[00:13:15] Speaker C: Comrades.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: Need more explanation, do ye?
[00:13:21] Speaker C: Aye. We can do this for many, many moons.
[00:13:24] Speaker B: Oh, I think I get it. You all are brothers in arms who use the stones within your mouth to chew not stones, but the interior flesh of mutton lambs.
[00:13:34] Speaker E: That's right. But thou sayest this as if thou art surprised by this. Thou art human as we are. Why dost thou not recognize chewing mutton as something worth doing?
[00:13:44] Speaker B: I me Flim Flam, be the only human from Goblin Town.
[00:13:49] Speaker D: Goblin Town?
[00:13:50] Speaker A: Goblin Town.
[00:13:51] Speaker D: Know ye the beautiful princess who bites super hard?
[00:13:55] Speaker B: There be another goblin in town? This be news to me, but I should wish to meet her. I haven't been able to speak in my native language for over five years.
[00:14:04] Speaker E: Thy native language? I must say we are all fascinated by other cultures.
Tell us a sentence in goblin.
[00:14:12] Speaker D: How do you say I love you? In Goblin?
[00:14:16] Speaker A: I love you.
[00:14:23] Speaker E: Did we do that correctly?
[00:14:24] Speaker B: You all repeated it perfectly.
[00:14:26] Speaker A: I natural sweet bee.
[00:14:29] Speaker B: I'm afraid I can't help you out with any money recompense for buying me this ale. But each of you please take as many rocks as you wish.
Should you happen to meet another goblin. These are the most high grade gesture to show that one has affections.
[00:14:47] Speaker C: Aye. Well. Another goblin we do wish to meet. For the goblin princess. About which you know not. We do wish to meet.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: What about her being so special besides being a goblin. Which is pretty special.
[00:15:01] Speaker A: Aye.
[00:15:02] Speaker D: Her frickin teeth.
She bites so hard.
[00:15:05] Speaker A: She bites so hard and so fast. We chew so slow and soft. We need but 10 chews per bite of mutton.
[00:15:15] Speaker D: Pathetic.
[00:15:15] Speaker B: This meat be so soft and tender. Thou shalt get your reps in. You all shall take my rocks and practice with them.
[00:15:26] Speaker E: Buy a rock and this will make the princess notice us. And perhaps even consider our Affections?
[00:15:36] Speaker B: I. I mean, how can thou sit across a table from a pretty woman and not be eating at the same level as she is? That sounds like a terrible way for a first date.
[00:15:47] Speaker D: True. Would be quite shameful. But a question for you, good sir. Flim Flam, these rocks, be they filled
[00:15:55] Speaker B: with anything I see in Goblin Town? The fruit of the earth be the rock. And the rock be filled with fruit. That fruit be mint. Hot mint.
[00:16:03] Speaker A: Liquid hot mint.
Hot mint. Happy hot is mint.
[00:16:09] Speaker B: You've heard of Cool Ranch. This is hot mint.
[00:16:12] Speaker A: Oh, it all makes sense now.
[00:16:16] Speaker C: Oi. But of course, Ranch can be cool.
[00:16:19] Speaker A: And mint Mint can be hot.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: Everyone take a rock. Just as a first step, you should just take a little lick.
[00:16:29] Speaker E: It tastes of rock.
[00:16:31] Speaker A: It tastes of rock.
[00:16:32] Speaker D: It do taste of rock.
[00:16:33] Speaker C: Of rock it do taste.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: And if thou lick enough or take one brave crunch, thou can get to the hot mint center.
We cut to the hospital.
[00:16:49] Speaker E: Nurses. Their teeth. They appear to have fallen out of their mouths completely. We gotta get these teeth fixed.
[00:16:56] Speaker A: Let's go to the dentist. Oh, no. The dentist is heartbroken.
[00:17:01] Speaker B: Three months later, after a long recovery, their teeth are fine again. They're back in the inn.
[00:17:08] Speaker D: I'm still thinking about what it felt like when that hot, minty liquid went down. Mithyro. But I lost all minutes.
[00:17:18] Speaker C: I For no more teeth do I have. But when that hot, minty liquid dribbled down my esophagus so slowly, I did feel but alive.
[00:17:34] Speaker D: I.
[00:17:37] Speaker A: Excuse me, you dumb fucks. I'm doing a documentary on failure.
I see you've been trying to impress the same woman for years, haven't even gone to see her, and just ended up in the fucking hospital for three whole months because you chewed into a fucking rock. Which is a dumbass idea. I'd love for you to be featured on the Failure Hour.
[00:18:00] Speaker B: Our new friend told us that that was the way to woo our mutual love.
[00:18:05] Speaker A: Oh, my God. It can be a crossover. That was Flim Flam, wasn't it?
[00:18:09] Speaker D: It was.
[00:18:09] Speaker B: It was.
[00:18:10] Speaker E: Flim Flam's failure created our failure.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: Oh, man. That dumb fuck keeps dumb fucking the whole world. I love it. He's keeping me in business.
[00:18:20] Speaker B: It begot Flim Flam begot the fucking failure.
[00:18:24] Speaker A: Flim Flam begot the fucking failure. Flim Flam begot the fucking failure.
[00:18:31] Speaker B: Oh, did I hear my name?
[00:18:33] Speaker D: Flim Flamingo.
[00:18:34] Speaker A: Oh, Flim Flam. Thank goodness. Our ratings have been dropping. Too many people are succeeding in their endeavors. It turns out that persistence does pay off. If you're not A dumb fuck.
[00:18:45] Speaker B: What? Everyone I have met in my life does become my friends. So I say, hello, my documentarian friends, please take a free rock.
[00:18:55] Speaker E: We're not eating the fucking.
[00:18:56] Speaker A: We're not that stupid. We've seen that. We've seen more happen.
[00:18:59] Speaker C: We do.
[00:19:00] Speaker E: But.
[00:19:00] Speaker C: But that stupid. For we did eat the rocks and we did end up losing all of our teeth.
[00:19:09] Speaker E: And we got so much footage of all of it.
[00:19:12] Speaker A: So much. And such good audio. I have to say, we may. We may just have a handheld camera that I put in my hand, but this audio is top notch.
[00:19:25] Speaker C: I am do play some of the audio you have right now.
[00:19:31] Speaker A: Crunch. Oh, my teeth.
[00:19:35] Speaker E: How was you guys breaking your teeth? It was pretty good.
[00:19:37] Speaker A: It was really good. The video is so grainy, but you can really see a sound picture.
[00:19:42] Speaker E: In fact, this will all look so much better once we get it on a big screen. At the big premiere of Failure, the documentary. You're all, of course, invited, being the subjects. We will have it soon. We are inviting everybody. Royalty, doctors, whoever you can imagine.
[00:19:59] Speaker A: Would you.
[00:19:59] Speaker C: Would you be inviting the Goblin Princess now? Would you?
[00:20:05] Speaker E: There's few things the Goblin Princes love more than laughing at misfortune and seeing rocks get eaten. Of course she's gonna be invited.
[00:20:13] Speaker A: Of course she's going to be invited. We know her personally. Of course.
[00:20:18] Speaker B: You all know the Goblin Princess.
[00:20:20] Speaker A: Yes. You know how sometimes when you're filming, you have to do white balancing, Right?
[00:20:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:26] Speaker A: This is success balancing.
So she's just so good at everything she does.
We point the camera at her and we see, oh, this is what it looks like not to be a total fuck up. And then we come into this fucking little tavern and look at you idiots. Sitting around chewing mutton, doing nothing, having no apparent employment, pining over a woman you don't even make efforts to see, hanging out with this guy, chewing his rocks and going back and doing the same thing after three fucking months. It's really a great contrast.
[00:21:01] Speaker E: There are fucking embarrassments. And frankly, under the Goblin Princess rule, people are doing so well in this town that just seeing your failure will really bring a lot of joy to them. You know, a bit of schadenfreude, really. Thank you so much for all you've contributed.
[00:21:13] Speaker C: Ay thou do be, but welcome, I pray thee. Mayhaps good mates, now that we have established ourselves as failures as such, mayhaps we need to do the same thing. Go to the premiere and see the Goblin Princess. And success balance ourselves.
[00:21:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:35] Speaker D: Yes, yes. Anything, anything, anything for that woman's beautiful Hard chewing mouth.
[00:21:41] Speaker C: Aye aye.
[00:21:44] Speaker B: We cut to the premiere Camera sounds. Camera sounds.
[00:21:47] Speaker E: Snap.
[00:21:49] Speaker C: Who are you wearing?
[00:21:50] Speaker B: Welcome to the red carpet outside the first south by Southwest Quarry film event.
All of the stars of the Sadness documentary are here. It's Bruno and his mother. And neither of them could get jobs.
[00:22:07] Speaker A: It's Job from the Bible.
No further explanation needed.
[00:22:12] Speaker B: And the documentary on everyone's lips it doth be the five mutton chewers who fucked up their teeth Real fucking bad.
[00:22:21] Speaker E: The title may be bad, the film may be grainy, but boy is it fun to watch.
[00:22:26] Speaker A: And the audio so clear.
[00:22:30] Speaker C: But I do think that that audio may be up for best sound design.
[00:22:34] Speaker E: That's exciting.
[00:22:36] Speaker A: Oh, very exciting. The highest honor in all of the awards.
[00:22:40] Speaker B: Oh, Goblin Princess. Goblin Princess award.
[00:22:42] Speaker C: Please imma bite your microphone.
[00:22:48] Speaker B: What will she do next?
[00:22:50] Speaker A: Oh, what a scamp.
[00:22:51] Speaker C: Goblin Princess. Goblin Princess. May I have your autograph please?
[00:22:56] Speaker D: I'm a. I'll bite you.
[00:22:59] Speaker A: Oh, she's good with kids too.
[00:23:01] Speaker B: She's great with kids.
[00:23:02] Speaker A: Wrong.
Well, here come those failures coming up the red carpet.
[00:23:10] Speaker E: Are they fucking chewing?
[00:23:15] Speaker A: You know how bad that's going to be for the audio?
Honestly, who would chew that much on audio in an audio medium? It's terrible.
[00:23:28] Speaker B: Oi lads, who be doth that a princess? Her visage beautiful and her skin be hard like stone.
[00:23:38] Speaker C: Ay, her skin be hard, but her
[00:23:41] Speaker E: eyes do be but soft and her teeth be powerful. The kind that could gasp bite through stone.
[00:23:52] Speaker C: Princess. I Goblin Princess.
[00:24:00] Speaker D: Anybody got a rock for me to bite?
[00:24:02] Speaker A: Oh, I do, I do.
[00:24:03] Speaker C: I do. I have a rock. I have a rock.
[00:24:06] Speaker A: Excuse me.
[00:24:07] Speaker E: The Goblin Princess only eats rocks with a molten minty center. So you better get those fucking commoner rocks out of here.
[00:24:15] Speaker A: Okay, these are the ones with the minty center.
[00:24:17] Speaker B: Princess, my childhood friend.
[00:24:21] Speaker D: Oh, hello, Flim Flam. You always had the best rocks to bite.
[00:24:25] Speaker B: When I knew you last, your name was Rock Becca.
[00:24:30] Speaker D: That's right.
Only the people from my past do you call me Rock Becca. Because I always eat rocks and pebbles inside.
[00:24:38] Speaker E: Oh my God. They're speaking in their native Gotland tongue. This is incredible.
[00:24:45] Speaker B: Translation appears. Here, take a rock for old times sake.
[00:24:49] Speaker D: Oh, you've the best rocks, Flim Flam.
[00:24:53] Speaker C: Oi. But she did just eat that rock without her teeth falling out or cracking at all.
[00:25:00] Speaker A: Oh, she's even more beautiful than I imagined.
[00:25:03] Speaker C: I shall try to speak Goblinese. And I shall try to compliment her.
[00:25:10] Speaker A: I love you.
[00:25:13] Speaker D: Look, I only do one thing.
[00:25:17] Speaker C: And I do it one way.
[00:25:19] Speaker D: And that's biting. And that's hard.
Okay, but you got a rock or no?
[00:25:29] Speaker C: Oh, it's not working.
[00:25:32] Speaker A: Let me try, let me try, let me try.
I express a feeling of supreme affection that some call amore towards your direction.
[00:25:46] Speaker D: Look, too much time has passed. I've not been biting anything. Okay?
[00:25:50] Speaker A: It'll rot with a mountain center.
[00:25:53] Speaker D: This better be good.
Oh, hot minty liquid.
[00:25:59] Speaker A: I've got a whole pocket full of them.
[00:26:01] Speaker D: Really?
[00:26:02] Speaker A: Yes. Would you like to go to a restaurant with me?
[00:26:05] Speaker D: No, but give me those rocks, lad.
[00:26:08] Speaker B: Try a rock starrant.
[00:26:11] Speaker A: Would you like to go to a Rockstarant?
[00:26:14] Speaker D: Yeah. As long as I can buy everything and everyone in my path.
[00:26:17] Speaker A: I'll go there and I can call you my girlfriend.
[00:26:21] Speaker D: We'll see about that.
[00:26:22] Speaker B: And the montage begins of the two of them going to places where you can bite things. First they go to the rock gum factory.
[00:26:30] Speaker C: Oi. Good morrow. Welcome to the Rock.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: You picked the coin.
[00:26:36] Speaker D: I'll bite anyone anytime. My teeth are so powerful. It's all I do.
[00:26:42] Speaker B: Next they go to rock mini golf.
[00:26:44] Speaker C: Oh, a good borrow.
[00:26:47] Speaker A: Oh no. The club and the docent.
[00:26:51] Speaker D: It was easy for me to bite him. It was like nothing, to be honest.
[00:26:55] Speaker A: Oh, let's go to another rock place.
[00:26:57] Speaker B: It's a rock independent movie and it's a little racy.
[00:27:01] Speaker D: Oi.
[00:27:02] Speaker C: Good morrow. Welcome.
[00:27:04] Speaker E: Oh, no.
[00:27:04] Speaker A: Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
You bit. Join the rock joint.
[00:27:09] Speaker D: I know. I bit the screen, I bit the seats, I bit the other people in the movie. And it was easy. That's the thing. I bite so hard, it's all I do is bite.
[00:27:20] Speaker A: Listen, rock princess, these past seven weeks of rock eating have been wonderful.
But you ain't never looked in my eyes with affect.
[00:27:32] Speaker B: Look, the camera crew circles in.
[00:27:37] Speaker D: You can't bite us hard, alright?
But I can love as hard doesn't matter.
Because love comes from your heart, not your teeth. Think about that.
[00:27:48] Speaker A: What?
[00:27:49] Speaker D: Think about that.
[00:27:50] Speaker A: Love comes from the heart. But when I was with my boys, our teeth were key to the love.
I think love comes from the teeth.
Why else would mutton bring us together?
[00:28:02] Speaker D: Sounds like your real love was your chosen family.
Why, this whole time you've been pining for someone who bites really, really hard.
But your family was your true love. And you've left them behind for what?
[00:28:18] Speaker A: You and your eaten people and things.
[00:28:22] Speaker D: Was it worth it?
[00:28:25] Speaker A: Oh, was it worth it?
I got to watch a goblin. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my arm. My arm. Fine. It wasn't. It wasn't.
Take my rocks.
[00:28:37] Speaker D: I, I. All I need is rocks.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: Really?
Not love.
[00:28:43] Speaker D: What's the difference between rocks and love.
[00:28:45] Speaker A: Honestly, love is an emotion between people and rocks. Or an object that you can use for throwing and stuff.
[00:28:52] Speaker D: That's your opinion.
Aye.
[00:28:55] Speaker C: Another failure that dudarth be for. You are a big fuck up.
[00:29:01] Speaker E: And we got it all on camera and audio.
[00:29:05] Speaker C: The camera do be but pixelated. But the audio do be but wonderful.
[00:29:10] Speaker A: You know what?
Maybe no man who has friends be a failure. I'm going back to the pub.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: We cut back to the pub, lads. I really miss Charlie.
[00:29:24] Speaker A: I miss Charlie too.
[00:29:26] Speaker B: I mean, I'm glad he's happy with the rock. Becca, the princess. But I miss him for us.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: What was that?
[00:29:34] Speaker B: Who's that? The lighting be too strong.
[00:29:36] Speaker C: It do. It do look like the silhouette of Charlie. But mayhaps that be just because I am thinking of Charlie.
[00:29:43] Speaker E: It do have the strong scent of Charlie. But mayhaps that merely be because I am thinking of Charlie.
[00:29:50] Speaker C: Aye. And it do but have the strong jawline of Charlie. But mayhaps that be because Charlie be on my brain.
[00:29:58] Speaker A: Hello, it's me, Charlie's twin brother.
I've just come in. I'd like to sell you gum that loses flavor in five seconds.
[00:30:07] Speaker C: No, thank you.
[00:30:08] Speaker A: No, thank you.
[00:30:09] Speaker E: Goodbye, Charlie's twin brother.
[00:30:12] Speaker A: All right, I'll just send in my brother, I guess.
[00:30:17] Speaker B: Charlie.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: My boys. My boys. Oh, my voice be so tired from talking goblin for like 10 minutes straight.
[00:30:26] Speaker B: But where be the princess thy love? We were happy that you would leave us. You would outgrow us as your chosen family because it meant you moved on to your true love.
[00:30:37] Speaker A: Oh, no.
But there was what my two loves.
Turns out the princess just love rocks.
And she loves with her heart. And I love with my teeth.
[00:30:50] Speaker C: I do but love with my teeth as well.
[00:30:53] Speaker E: I do love with my incisors, molars and canines as well.
[00:30:57] Speaker B: I feel amore from the organ residing with my in my chest. Whenever I do masticate, I love from my gums.
[00:31:06] Speaker D: My teeth are gone.
[00:31:07] Speaker A: Well, listen, my boys. I'm not going to chase after no princesses no more.
[00:31:12] Speaker D: Even though she do bite so hard.
[00:31:14] Speaker A: Turns out I loved the idea of biting, but not the reality of biting.
[00:31:21] Speaker C: I doth that mean that you're back here to bite to stay?
[00:31:26] Speaker A: That's right. I'm here to bite to stay. And I encourage all you never chase after biting Rock. Chewing that hot minty liquid is still not as hot as another minty liquid.
[00:31:40] Speaker E: The hot minty liquid of what?
[00:31:43] Speaker D: The heart.
[00:31:46] Speaker C: Man, this makes me feel like throwing what we got. I think I'll call this Mentos Les.
[00:31:55] Speaker A: This is a good mentos. Let's toss up.
[00:31:58] Speaker E: Lets toss each other men.
[00:32:03] Speaker B: And as the Mutton brothers toss each other all over the inn, they express the true lesson, which Charlie already said. But let's reiterate it for the slow failure audiences at home.
The true love not be found in
[00:32:24] Speaker E: rocks, it be found in the teeth.
[00:32:36] Speaker B: That's our show.
You just heard Javier Perez, who played the Failure documentary sound op, a red carpet paparazzo and a mutton lad. PJ Nally, who is our co producer and played the failure documentary host, a red carpet paparazzo. And Charlie the mutton lad. Joanna Bournes, who played Rock Becko, the princess, a bartender, a red carpet paparazzo and a mutton lad. Maria Nally, who played a red carpet paparazzo, a waiter, a mini golf attendant and a mutton lad. And Drew Robinson who is our co producer, sound designer and played Flim Flam, the rock seller, a red carpet paparazzo and a mutton lad. If you liked the this, check us out on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube as alasimprov. We don't have very many posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready for when we do. If you want to get in touch, email
[email protected] Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare is a hell yeah production.
