[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: This episode containeth herein. Ross Neil, Maria Nally, Carly Hayes, Javier Perez, P.J. nally and Drew Robinson.
[00:00:23] Speaker C: I also, you know, I have partial reason for drama. I broke my wrist writing an atv.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:00:29] Speaker C: In Morocco.
[00:00:30] Speaker A: Oh, that's fun.
[00:00:32] Speaker D: Kind of a cool story out in the desert.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:34] Speaker C: We were going to go camel riding afterwards, and then we couldn't because my wrist was in pieces.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: I mean, that's a good reason not to go camel riding.
[00:00:41] Speaker C: I agree. Yeah.
[00:00:43] Speaker D: You know what's funny?
[00:00:44] Speaker C: So my mom was with me on the trip. The next day we did go camel riding. Sorry. She went camel riding. I held all her stuff while she
[00:00:51] Speaker D: was on the camel.
[00:00:54] Speaker C: And my mom was like, javier, could you hold more stuff, please? I'm not gonna fit on the camel. And I said, mother, I have one arm.
[00:01:01] Speaker E: Aren't camels, like, meant, like, to carry? Like, aren't they, like, like, really good at carrying?
[00:01:07] Speaker C: That's what I said. You know what she said? So are sons.
[00:01:11] Speaker D: Oh, that's cold. That's cold.
Cold mother.
[00:01:16] Speaker C: I got a funny mom.
[00:01:17] Speaker E: Cold mother.
[00:01:18] Speaker F: Yeah.
[00:01:19] Speaker A: Good for you.
[00:01:19] Speaker F: Congratulations on having a funny mom. Yes, congratulations. That's wonderful. I'm very happy for you.
[00:01:26] Speaker C: Cold funny mom. That's what we call her at reunions.
[00:01:28] Speaker E: Oh.
[00:01:28] Speaker A: I mean, if you have like a parent who just says, like, nothing but the driest humor, like, I feel like that would make for such an interesting childhood. Like, because kids are just so not chill.
[00:01:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:01:38] Speaker A: So, like, if you have like a super notch, like, I was bullied a lot as a kid.
[00:01:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:01:42] Speaker A: So you sit there if, like, I. My parents are super kind and loving about it. Like, imagine if, like, if my mom was like, I mean, you know, just like, really low key about it. I don't, I don't know what that would have done to me. I feel like it would have been very interesting.
[00:01:53] Speaker B: That happened to me as a kid. So I.
I was like, completely like some kid. Like, he was making fun of me. I was like, oh, it sucks because he's, like, popular too, and all the kids like him. And my mom was like, yeah, and he'll probably do really good in life. Like, if he's like, popular and mean. That's like a really good combo. Andrew. What? Like, what's my takeaway from this, Andrew?
[00:02:18] Speaker C: Become a bully.
[00:02:19] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that was.
[00:02:21] Speaker C: You should join that. Fill your destiny.
[00:02:23] Speaker F: Your mom was so disappointed that you weren't a bully.
Oh, there are bull bullies and there are those who are bullied. And your mom Wanted to have a bully.
[00:02:34] Speaker C: That's crazy. There are bullies and there are losers. And I'm sorry, son. You're in one of the groups. Yeah.
[00:02:40] Speaker B: God, it's gonna follow you your whole life.
[00:02:43] Speaker C: I was a weird kid as well, and I didn't get, like, stereotypically bullied. I think we were a little past that when I was in high school, so I kind of just kind of kept looking over my shoulder, and I was like, when's it gonna start? I'm on the school news. I talk about Star Wars a lot. I'm the only, like, Hispanic kid for miles. Somebody make fun. And turns out, like, people were just, like, under the covers bullying me. They were, like, being snide and sarcastic and not inviting me to parties. And I was like, people love me, man. I haven't been shoved into a single locker. This is great.
[00:03:12] Speaker E: Your mom was so proud of you.
[00:03:14] Speaker D: She was probably so proud.
Lunch money kept every day.
[00:03:19] Speaker C: Bullies do and bullies be.
In the land of Alcatraz, there be bullies. 3.
Their bullying got them in too much trouble. With the law, with God, with their mothers.
Oh, grumble, grumble.
We learn about these three once friends who the world thinks their bullying days are at an end. But they say, nay, for we have some left in this tank of ours to leave Alcatraz bereft.
[00:03:55] Speaker D: And there they have been, and they've tried to escape, but one thing has held them down to the jail. Like tape it be. But when they try to swim, they have too much to carry. For their mothers doth deliver the goods to the jail. For they say, yes, you be a criminal, my son, but carry you shall not fail.
[00:04:17] Speaker C: And along with the bags that be physical, they are also weighed down by the expectations that are mental. For their mothers never wanted children to be criminals. They wanted bullies that were successful, not failures.
[00:04:31] Speaker D: And so we find these three sitting in their cell all around, but only to birds. They can yell.
The other prisoners doth wear earmuffs that protect them from hearing their cries.
And so to only each others to talk, they can try.
[00:04:54] Speaker E: That bird do look pretty stupid, don't you agree?
[00:04:58] Speaker B: It's got a face that ain't made for singing. Nor for storing nuts. What purpose does this bird have?
[00:05:07] Speaker E: That was a very good one. Very good Bullying.
[00:05:13] Speaker B: Look at your stupid face, bird.
Thou dost need go to the factory where they dost make bird faces. And you ought get a refund for your face be all sorts of reminiscent of a garbage pail.
[00:05:31] Speaker E: Benvolio, as much as I do Take joy in bullying the birds with ye I call Catrice.
[00:05:40] Speaker B: What is it?
[00:05:42] Speaker E: I just. I wish we hadn't gotten put away.
We should have been better bullies. We shouldn't have never gotten caught.
My mother is very fraught with anger. And she's very displeased with me.
I've never experienced this before.
[00:05:58] Speaker B: Aye, I see the gnos that she does sent you had been in Red Pen.
That's when she's really. And she used your middle name.
[00:06:05] Speaker D: Ay. We cutteth to the mother's bedroom as she writes.
Dear, dear. Fetch me the crimson.
Not the crimson. The crimson.
I hath no need for the brick anymore. To crimson I doth go fetch your mother the crimson.
[00:06:28] Speaker C: Thy two friends art in prison, and thou shalt follow them. If thou don't follow the rules of
[00:06:33] Speaker F: thy mother, thy crimson be the colour of blood.
Thou art that upset.
[00:06:39] Speaker D: I be blood red upset for my sons. Both bullies and losers be.
One, a bully for their bullying. Two, a loser for their getting caught.
[00:06:53] Speaker F: I the pen I do bring.
[00:06:57] Speaker D: I wisheth. I wisheth nothing more than my sons to ride.
Pon these streets and be good boys. Good, good boys carrying my baggage.
[00:07:10] Speaker E: Ah.
[00:07:10] Speaker D: But instead they sit there in prison, giving birds their baggage.
[00:07:16] Speaker C: Indeed, thy two brothers be in prison. I be thy father. This be thy mother.
[00:07:23] Speaker F: And I be thy third son.
[00:07:25] Speaker C: Indeed, the one who was not caught.
[00:07:27] Speaker F: Yes, I. I was at the scene of the crime, but I got it the way.
[00:07:33] Speaker D: Good job. And this giveth you the chance to change your ways, to embrace a loserness like no other. For a bully, you are not a loser. You doth be.
[00:07:45] Speaker E: Ugh.
[00:07:46] Speaker F: What the ever.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: Hey.
[00:07:49] Speaker D: Your father be ATH a loser when he trippeth and fall into my arms. Pon that dance floor. A bully. A bully suave and controlled wouldeth not have fallen into my arms and never caught my eye.
[00:08:04] Speaker F: Oh, Mother, when thou talk' st about love, thou art being gross.
[00:08:09] Speaker D: Ay, and he hath the squishiest skin at the time he sweateth so much. Oh, and I loveth the wetness of his shirt. And as it splattered upon my blouse.
[00:08:23] Speaker F: All right, you know what? I shall take this letter that you have finished writing to my brothers, and I shall deliver it to the prison. For be a prison would be better than listening to this story any further.
[00:08:36] Speaker C: I love thee so much, sweetie.
[00:08:38] Speaker D: Oh, I loveth thee too.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: Oh, thy workout routines and thy abs in such contrast to my.
[00:08:43] Speaker F: I'd be taking the letter and going,
[00:08:45] Speaker C: thou hast a six pack. I have a Keg.
[00:08:47] Speaker D: Ah, incredible together we have at the party.
O Sunneth, Sunnath. Sonneth, sunneth.
We loveth thee. Suneth, we loveth thee so Sonneth.
[00:09:04] Speaker C: We cut from here and we go back to the prison. In the warden's office, he is sitting quite stern.
[00:09:12] Speaker A: What mayest I do for the warden,
[00:09:15] Speaker C: I'd be stern this fine day.
[00:09:17] Speaker D: Rock. He be stern. He be stern.
[00:09:20] Speaker C: Thank you, Bird.
I've thrown feed in the air for you to catch.
[00:09:25] Speaker D: Catch a catch.
[00:09:27] Speaker C: The reason I be stern is because this prison, aye, hath gotten a significant downgrade in the people that be infecting it.
Once we had criminals, lords of Enterprise, Al Capone, the Dahmers, several other massive criminals. And now all we can get is the low of the low of the low. We're functionally a military school at this point.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: Well, Warden, it's not your fault. You can be quite stern about it, but you can't take that bad nod upon yourself.
It's the government's issue. And the parents, they're too chill about it.
[00:10:05] Speaker C: Oh, Jake Jacoby, can I be honest with you? I. I must take it upon myself. I was raised, too. My mother always told me, if something could be your fault, twas your fault. And I take that with me every day.
If it could be my fault, it is my fault.
[00:10:27] Speaker A: Captain, I'm not your therapist, but it does sound a bit like you might be carrying some generational trauma.
[00:10:35] Speaker D: Rock. He carries more trauma even than baggage.
[00:10:38] Speaker C: Rock, we're not here to fix the demons in my head. We're here to get a better quality of demon out there.
[00:10:44] Speaker A: Oh, Captain. Warden, if we sit there and we manage to create a more fostering relationship for the bullies, mayhaps we turn them from merely bullies to fall enterprising criminals. But you can't not do that if that were beating yourself up.
[00:11:00] Speaker F: The warden be the biggest bully of all to himself.
[00:11:04] Speaker A: The bird speaks truth.
[00:11:06] Speaker C: The bird doth not speak truth. The bird only speaketh when it hears.
[00:11:09] Speaker D: Rock. The warden be in a prison of his own making. Rock.
[00:11:14] Speaker A: I know not where these birds may have heard such pearls of wisdom if they merely repeat.
[00:11:20] Speaker B: Rock.
[00:11:20] Speaker D: We sleep in his bed. Rock.
[00:11:23] Speaker F: We hear him as he sleeps.
[00:11:24] Speaker D: Rock.
[00:11:25] Speaker C: Jacoby, I do not have the insurance nor the time to focus on therapy. My mental health is something that must wait. Can't you see we have mere bullies at the gate? It is our job to improve them, to make them someone of worth. That we can call them Alcatrazes.
Beings and figures of girth.
[00:11:50] Speaker A: Warning.
May I be frank with you?
[00:11:53] Speaker C: You've been nothing but frank, Jacoby.
[00:11:55] Speaker A: I have been. I've been your right hand for many a year, Sir.
I think you've got the perfect inmate to work such a feat.
The brothers three. Aye of good stock. Two are held behind behind the bars of Alcatraz. One brings letters from a similarly, I think disapproving mother. I've seen the crimson ink.
[00:12:18] Speaker C: Thou be correct and thou knoweth what the ultimate criminals always attempteth to do.
[00:12:23] Speaker A: Murder their mothers.
[00:12:26] Speaker C: That's better than what I had planned.
[00:12:27] Speaker D: Oh, Rock, that's dark.
[00:12:30] Speaker A: I I. We're falling in love.
[00:12:33] Speaker D: 1.
[00:12:33] Speaker A: You've got a lot of generational trauma.
[00:12:34] Speaker C: All right. I thought an escape attempt would be a fun thing where, like, they try
[00:12:38] Speaker A: to leave, but that's not very dark. Or the criminal, that's just got, like, the human condition.
[00:12:43] Speaker D: All right.
[00:12:43] Speaker C: It's a murder. The mother.
I'll tell you. I'm not against Rock.
[00:12:47] Speaker B: Are you planning their crimes?
[00:12:49] Speaker D: Yeah, Rock. How be they criminal masterminds if they but follow what you do?
[00:12:55] Speaker C: It's not about what they think they are. It's about what the world thinks they are.
[00:13:00] Speaker F: Aha.
So you make them think that they're planning the escape route, but really you're just leaving breadcrumbs everywhere for them to find.
[00:13:08] Speaker C: Exactly. Except the escape plans out the fucking window. Because I think we can all agree it's not enough.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: I think. Warden, I think you jumped onto something that was off the cuff for me. You jumped onto it. I think you've got some issues you need to think about. We can work through your issues and their issues together.
What if.
What if you take the third son and you raise him as your successor? Three brothers in the prison gives them the chance either plan a mastermind crime or gives a chance to just continue forward. Grog.
[00:13:42] Speaker D: That'd be really weird too.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: We cut back to the jail cell.
Cockatrice.
I I've been quite enjoying our group therapy lessons.
[00:13:57] Speaker E: Aye, so have I. I finally feel like I'm actually getting in touch with the enemy.
[00:14:05] Speaker B: You have a likeness about you now.
[00:14:08] Speaker E: You know, I feel like when I'm not focused on bullying others, I'm actually able to take care of myself.
Brother, I know that sounds ridiculous.
[00:14:20] Speaker B: Oh, no. Don't minimize your own progress. I'm interested in you.
[00:14:25] Speaker F: All right. Thou art walking to visiting hours. Thou must be a bully to thine brothers. Thou art walking to visiting hours. That must be a bully.
[00:14:33] Speaker B: Do you smell that smell of chunky peanut butter?
[00:14:37] Speaker E: I know that smell.
Anywhere, brother. Hey there, losers.
[00:14:44] Speaker F: Mom wanted me to give you some more stuff because you're babies.
[00:14:49] Speaker E: Tis our freak brother, Heathmore. Heathmore, do you have another note from Mama?
[00:14:56] Speaker F: Heathmore has plenty of notes from Mama. Not only that, but Heathmore can see Mama whenever he likes. For Heathmore is on the side of freedom while thou are locked behind a cave.
[00:15:07] Speaker E: Look, brother, all the birds are flying above Heathmore. And they're pooping on him.
[00:15:12] Speaker F: That's because there's not a roof over my head. Nay, be but a roof over my head. But there be a roof over thine.
[00:15:19] Speaker B: I think there'd be a type of roof over you.
A psychological string that holds you beneath. Our own mother.
Look, you come bearing a note from her. Not a note from you, a note from Mother.
[00:15:34] Speaker F: Of course I do. Aye, and I give it to thee. The note be written in crimson ink.
[00:15:44] Speaker E: Oh, no.
[00:15:45] Speaker B: Oh, no.
[00:15:47] Speaker E: Which brother, which brother is the ladder destined for?
[00:15:50] Speaker F: The letter be destined for you both.
[00:15:54] Speaker E: Oh, no.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: Narrowly avoided remembering our names, did you?
No.
[00:15:59] Speaker F: I already knowest thine names. But thine could say them again. I believe that there was names that thine should say.
[00:16:13] Speaker B: Cockatrice. You remember my name, right?
[00:16:15] Speaker E: Cockatrice. And Benvolio.
[00:16:17] Speaker F: Oh, thou beest right. Cockatrice and Benvolio aren't thy names, and I do know them.
[00:16:23] Speaker C: Rock.
[00:16:24] Speaker D: Ibjig. Rock.
[00:16:25] Speaker E: Well, you gonna bully that bird or not, Heathmore?
[00:16:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:28] Speaker E: Are you really our brother? I wouldn't know.
[00:16:32] Speaker F: Well, if the bullying the bird is what thou dost request, then bullying the bird be what I do.
Hey, Rock, cock a doodle doo.
[00:16:42] Speaker C: Don't you lay one more barb on that bird.
[00:16:46] Speaker D: Aw, man.
Imprison you he will, Rock.
[00:16:50] Speaker F: Imprison me for bullying.
[00:16:51] Speaker C: Corky, wait. Corky. Ben. Take a seat.
Thou art Heathrow. Correct.
[00:16:58] Speaker F: Heathrow be my name.
[00:16:59] Speaker C: Oi, let us take a walk.
[00:17:02] Speaker F: Yes, sir.
[00:17:03] Speaker C: You don't strike me as the bullying type. Frankly, you're quite bad at it.
[00:17:12] Speaker F: I pray thee has noticed that truth about me, sir.
[00:17:17] Speaker C: Thy brothers, on the other hand, they hath discussed at great length in group therapy just how little they think of you.
[00:17:26] Speaker F: Sir, if this be but a therapy session. I already have one on the other side.
[00:17:31] Speaker C: Oh, it not be a therapy session. It'd be an opportunity.
A job opportunity.
Doth thou wishest for an opportunity to show thy brothers just how much better thou art than them?
[00:17:46] Speaker F: It is as though the words have escaped from mine own lips. For an opportunity to show mine brothers that I be but better than them is something that I hath been Wanting as the youngest brother. Ever since I was born, I've been
[00:18:02] Speaker C: looking for a new position.
Lesser known one.
Assistant warden of Alcatraz Prison.
You'd move to San Francisco? You get.
[00:18:16] Speaker B: You get succeed.
[00:18:18] Speaker F: Well, that'd be but easy. For in San Francisco, I already doth live with my mother and my father.
[00:18:24] Speaker B: You hear that? He still lives with mommy.
[00:18:26] Speaker E: He still lives with mommy.
[00:18:28] Speaker F: Oh, rock.
[00:18:30] Speaker D: He be 14.
[00:18:31] Speaker C: Rock.
Ice warden. You could shut down all that speed in a heartbeat.
Think about it. Proximity to thy brothers, constant supremacy.
The respect of thy parents, of thy family, the contr. The ear of every bird in this building.
[00:18:49] Speaker F: Well, that doth have everything that I want. Think about it. I need to no longer. For I say I.
[00:18:55] Speaker C: Then go tell thee brothers of the new that thou has kept the position. In the meantime, I must have words with my number two, Jackabe.
[00:19:03] Speaker F: Why, yes, yes, of course. For jackabe be thy number two, and as assistant warden, I be but number three. I someone else to be superior.
[00:19:11] Speaker C: No, no, no. VB 1.5.
[00:19:15] Speaker A: Thou arts above me. It's true.
[00:19:17] Speaker F: I'd be but superior to Jacoby. I. I'd be but superior to everybody but the warden.
[00:19:23] Speaker C: But inferior to me. Go tell your friends.
[00:19:25] Speaker F: Hey, Cocky Ben, beat it.
We can't.
[00:19:29] Speaker E: We're behind bars, doofus.
[00:19:31] Speaker F: That's right. You can't, can ya? You be behind bars, and I be but free. For now, the one that you must listen to shall be me. For I will now. And, yes, I be warnin. I am now the assistant warden. So go ahead and listen and go ahead and gleam. For I am now the boss and superior it doth seem. For even though with the air in my lung. You be an old, and I be but young, but I be on top.
[00:20:00] Speaker B: Well, you give someone a nightstick and they turn into a right dick
[00:20:06] Speaker F: drop and give me 20. Loser.
[00:20:08] Speaker C: All right. So, Jacky, I won. The first phase of the plan has gone completely off. The has gone completely perfectly. All right.
[00:20:17] Speaker A: Now, I'm quite persuasive, thank you. Now thou hast claimed an assistant warden for Alcatraz. Thou mayest work upon either furthering thine own plans, or mayhaps we use this learning lesson with the young protege to seek out the limits within thy own psyche.
[00:20:33] Speaker C: I think we're gonna leave Marsaki out of it for as long as humanly possible. For Jacoby, thou understands that as in his mind, the third in command, he hath power over thee. He shall listen to you. Without assuming thee to be someone who has ulterior motives. Thou shalt Use thy position to put ideas in his head. Ideas of criminality, of freeing his brothers. And in so doing, you shall get him to commit the crime that he never would have to begin with.
[00:21:04] Speaker A: Allow me just a moment, Warden.
Jake, the parrot.
I need to speak with thee.
[00:21:12] Speaker D: Yes,
[00:21:14] Speaker A: I find myself in a moral quandary. The warden hadn't listened to me too far. I've taken his plans and I've spurned them forward. And yet now, instead of him gleaning responsibility through taking a young ward, I have further pushed him towards villainy.
[00:21:31] Speaker D: Rock meddled in affairs not your own. You have Rock. Speak of therapy for him, but caring not for yourself. You do, Rock.
[00:21:42] Speaker A: I'm a firm believer, Jake, in seeking out helping others to help thyself.
[00:21:48] Speaker D: Rock. You picked a bad person to help, Rock.
[00:21:52] Speaker A: Dost thou think or dost thou just parent responses? Because this is a very deep conversation.
It's helping me a lot, Rock.
[00:22:02] Speaker D: Doth I think or doth I? But parrot responses.
[00:22:07] Speaker A: The parrot speaks true. I've read much of psycholatry and psychiatry, Rock.
[00:22:13] Speaker D: Remember, thou readteth of psychology and psychiatry. Ra.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: Thank thee, Jake. Thou hast proven a mighty helper. Warden.
[00:22:23] Speaker C: Aye.
[00:22:26] Speaker A: I've not given up hope on me yet.
I believe in thee. But I will go speak to the young lad and place plans of my own without him knowing ulterior motives. Of course. To thy whim, good sir, thou shalt
[00:22:39] Speaker F: drop and give me another 20 now.
[00:22:44] Speaker D: And now this plan he has shall now turn glistening, for he doth benefit from a parrot and is active listening
[00:22:54] Speaker B: while we're down here on the ground doing push ups. Cockatrice.
[00:22:57] Speaker F: How are you?
[00:22:58] Speaker B: I don't know why I let him push me back into bullying. It feels like I'm. When I'm back among family, except you, I'm pushed right back into my worst habits.
[00:23:07] Speaker E: Tis true. Tis true. I am my worst self. When Brother's around, when it's just us, I find myself feeling empathy.
I don't know what to do with such a feeling, Brother.
[00:23:24] Speaker F: I doth know what to do with it.
[00:23:26] Speaker E: God didn't know you. We're still pushing.
[00:23:30] Speaker F: Hold thine. Hold mine bag.
Hold mine bag. And you hold mine skateboard, for I am going to ride a parrot.
[00:23:40] Speaker B: Whoa. That sounds really cool, Brother.
[00:23:43] Speaker F: It doth sound really cool. But thou canst do it, for thou art doing push ups thine with mine bag on top of it. On of you and thine with. With mine skateboard on top of you. We'll side down. And thou shalt not let it roll. Off.
[00:24:01] Speaker A: My young master Heathmore. Thou hath ta' en to the task quite, quite appreciatively. Thou art going to ride Jake.
[00:24:11] Speaker F: Ride Jake I shall. Jake, may I ride thee?
[00:24:14] Speaker D: Rock. Thou may ride me.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: Rock.
[00:24:17] Speaker D: Jake, enjoy it.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: Thou hast discovered within mere short days a different means of approaching. Thou needs not. Thou hast claimed the friendship of the parrot. Dost thou understand that parrot has years of psychiatry training.
[00:24:35] Speaker F: Why, yes, of course I understand.
[00:24:38] Speaker D: Rock. A sidebar, Jackaby. Rock.
Rock, listen. He needed the friend. Rock. It shall showeth him empathy in a way his brothers cannot. Rock.
[00:24:51] Speaker A: I are the smartest avian I know. Rock.
[00:24:55] Speaker D: I am the smartest avian I know.
[00:24:57] Speaker A: Rock. My repetition brings joy to the cockles of my heart. Thank you, Jake.
[00:25:02] Speaker C: Rock.
[00:25:02] Speaker F: Cockles, Cockles.
[00:25:03] Speaker D: Rock.
[00:25:04] Speaker A: Jake and Jacobi, what a fair rock we be.
[00:25:07] Speaker D: I be but a part of your name. Rock. We cut to all the other prisoners still wearing their earmuffs, not being paid attention to escaping.
[00:25:20] Speaker C: Swim.
[00:25:21] Speaker B: Swim.
[00:25:22] Speaker E: We're almost out. What'd you say?
[00:25:25] Speaker D: What?
[00:25:26] Speaker E: I can't hear you.
[00:25:27] Speaker A: The split earmuffs and the splashing, it's too much.
[00:25:29] Speaker E: It's too much. But we just have to keep going,
[00:25:32] Speaker C: follow the sound of the birds.
[00:25:33] Speaker E: What?
[00:25:34] Speaker B: What?
[00:25:34] Speaker D: What?
[00:25:36] Speaker B: We got back to the jail,
[00:25:39] Speaker A: young master Heathmore.
[00:25:41] Speaker F: Why, yes, Jacoby.
[00:25:42] Speaker A: Thou art the youngest of two, three brothers. Thou art the third, of course.
[00:25:46] Speaker F: Why, yes. Thou art the third brother.
[00:25:49] Speaker A: I am the third brother.
[00:25:50] Speaker F: Thou art the third brother as well.
[00:25:52] Speaker A: Thou art a kingship here. I understand that whence thou art. Amongst family, it's easy to fall into patterns of neglect and anger that turn about is fair play.
But let me tell you something.
Some things, and you can't tell anyone else this, you can't forget it. Kindness is the way you should be.
Those are your brothers.
Find friendship for them the way you may find friendship with me.
[00:26:19] Speaker F: Well, yes, of course, but kindness they have not. So why is that something that I should exhibit for them?
[00:26:27] Speaker A: Thou seems a bright young lad. I always claim the friendship of Jake.
[00:26:31] Speaker F: I have claimed a friendship with Jake because Jake be but kind. Jake says everything that I do say.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: Sometimes the best way to create new pathways is just to imitate what you think you should do. Right. Doing becomes being. Being doesn't have to lead and preclude doing.
[00:26:51] Speaker F: Whilst I think I should do.
[00:26:54] Speaker A: Now thou mayst choose thy path for good or ill. I don't really have a dog. And the horses have to be your friend.
[00:27:00] Speaker D: Rock. Did y' all see a dog and the horse? Rock.
[00:27:04] Speaker B: I knew it. This is my Time to shine the dog that was locked up for going into a horse.
[00:27:12] Speaker D: Cliff clop. No, they still not. Get him out of me.
[00:27:19] Speaker A: I pray thee it is a saying.
[00:27:22] Speaker B: Back to solitary confinement for us.
[00:27:25] Speaker A: Back into solitary confinement. All right, all right, all right.
[00:27:32] Speaker C: Jacoby, when you're done dealing with the horse and the dog and O situation, could you send Heathmore up to my office?
[00:27:39] Speaker A: I, I, Warden Heathmore, I need to deal with the dog and the horse. I'm so sorry. Please go see the warden.
[00:27:46] Speaker B: Our names are Einstein and Crosby.
[00:27:50] Speaker D: And which one's which?
You'll never know.
We won the Kentucky Derby.
We had the strength of a dog and a horse at once.
[00:28:10] Speaker B: I got drunk on mint juice.
[00:28:15] Speaker D: You know, it's uncomfortable, but at least I made a friend.
[00:28:18] Speaker B: Hey, Crosby, do you remember that time we saw a crime in progress committed by three brothers?
[00:28:24] Speaker D: I really do.
[00:28:26] Speaker B: Let's go back to that memory.
It was three other brothers, not us.
[00:28:38] Speaker D: All right, brothers, let's commit our 22nd crime.
[00:28:42] Speaker E: Let's commit another crime. Let's go trip an old lady.
[00:28:46] Speaker F: Yeah.
[00:28:51] Speaker D: We tripped an opera singer.
[00:28:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:28:54] Speaker D: Up top, brother.
Yeah.
[00:28:56] Speaker C: And we cut back.
[00:28:58] Speaker B: Do you guys see how easy it can be when brothers work together to commit a crime?
My brothers, Cockatrice and Heathmore. Heathcliff.
[00:29:09] Speaker F: Oh, obviously I do. But see, unfortunately, I have to go see the warden. At this hour.
But here, before I go. Go ahead. Here's some more things from our mother. Those you must carry.
[00:29:24] Speaker D: Rock.
[00:29:25] Speaker E: Ah.
[00:29:25] Speaker D: Rock Emergency. Rock emergency. Rock emergency.
The prisoners doth not know where to go. They be swimming in circles round the island. They needeth direction.
[00:29:37] Speaker E: Rock, brother. You saying that your prisoners have escaped?
[00:29:44] Speaker F: Mayhaps I have been too focused on two specific prisoners. And I have not even seen any of the other prisoners of mine own eyes.
[00:29:54] Speaker E: Everybody makes mistakes, brother.
[00:29:59] Speaker C: Heathmore, get into my office this instant.
[00:30:04] Speaker F: I be but so sorry. I pray thee forgive me.
[00:30:07] Speaker C: The door opens. The warden is on the ground, soaked in sweat. The vapors are hitting him. He cannot move from his spot on what appears to be a large couch that is almost completely flat with just a tiny headrest for his head to go.
Heathrow. All the prisoners are gone. It's all my fault.
[00:30:25] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:30:26] Speaker C: Why did I think that I could do this? My mother was right.
[00:30:29] Speaker D: My mother was right.
[00:30:30] Speaker F: Warden, I do but know that you are in a terrible state. But. But May I interest you in a dog and a horse?
[00:30:39] Speaker C: What? You mean Einstein and Crosby?
[00:30:43] Speaker D: Oh, no.
[00:30:44] Speaker F: They're still here with them. Yes, of course. They've not escaped.
[00:30:47] Speaker C: Hey, my two Favorite prisoners.
[00:30:49] Speaker D: Bring them in.
[00:30:50] Speaker F: Of course. Of course. Einstein and Crosby.
Which one clips and which one clops, we shall never know.
[00:30:57] Speaker B: No one knows. But inside his guts I do.
[00:31:00] Speaker D: Glip, glop, glug, glug.
[00:31:02] Speaker C: Oh, there's a good Einstein. There's a good Einstein. Go ahead and make that sound that I know your species makes.
Oh, there's a good Crosby. There's a good Crosby. Make that other sound that I know
[00:31:16] Speaker D: your particular species makes.
[00:31:22] Speaker F: Aside for Heathrow, this be but perfect. For I hath messed up, I hath made a mistake.
But now the distraction, the bait the warden doth take. For my real mission, now that I have arrived here, is to break my brothers out of prison without fear. For if I do break them out and they come with me, more crime we can commit freely.
[00:31:52] Speaker D: Yep. And he touches against my liver sometimes.
[00:31:55] Speaker B: My head is sticking out of his anus.
[00:31:59] Speaker C: I think I can feel your stomach. It's on the top of your back. Oh, you such good boys. Oh, you. Such good boys.
[00:32:06] Speaker D: For my indigestion, I do Heathrow.
[00:32:08] Speaker C: Thank you very much for bringing them. Thy one final assignment from me is to make sure that thy two brothers are kept under lock and key. Who's a good boy? He's a good boy.
[00:32:19] Speaker D: We are. We are.
[00:32:21] Speaker B: We are.
[00:32:21] Speaker D: We are. We collectively are a good boy. We are we building?
[00:32:26] Speaker F: Aye, Warden. And I shall make sure that this mission is carried out. For in me you can have no doubt.
[00:32:33] Speaker B: In you. Like a dog and a horse, or
[00:32:36] Speaker D: a horse and a dog. No one knows.
[00:32:38] Speaker A: We may never know. Warden.
[00:32:39] Speaker B: I'm sorry.
[00:32:40] Speaker A: Warden.
[00:32:41] Speaker D: It's.
[00:32:41] Speaker A: Warden, it's all right. I know you love Crosby and Einstein.
[00:32:45] Speaker D: I love him so much. I just want to be him sometimes.
Rock, Be there room for a bird?
[00:32:53] Speaker A: Assistant Warden. Go to your task. Thou hast seen the kindness thou may give to the Warden. Go now and see whatever may thou choose.
[00:33:03] Speaker F: Of that I will do exactly as you ask. And I promise I shall win. I shall not lose.
Brothers.
[00:33:11] Speaker E: Brother Heath.
[00:33:12] Speaker F: You're Lucky. And Ben Heathrow. Yes. I've come to see you again.
[00:33:16] Speaker E: Your disposition have changed you. You look softer. Kinder.
[00:33:20] Speaker F: Why, of course.
For I've been reminded by a dog and a horse that.
And by the warden and Jacoby, that we are not three individuals, but we are brothers. Three?
[00:33:33] Speaker B: We come from a common trauma. But if we can move beyond it, we're more powerful than any one man.
[00:33:41] Speaker E: And our mama?
[00:33:43] Speaker F: Why, yes, of course.
So.
[00:33:46] Speaker D: Oh.
[00:33:48] Speaker B: Who's that?
[00:33:49] Speaker E: Is it.
[00:33:49] Speaker D: Hello, my sons.
[00:33:50] Speaker B: No.
Mama.
[00:33:52] Speaker E: Mama.
[00:33:53] Speaker C: Mama.
[00:33:54] Speaker D: Oh, thou Would be more powerful than I could ever be. That is why my father.
Your father and I, Sire, do Wet Dad. Gay, too.
[00:34:06] Speaker F: Wet dad.
[00:34:07] Speaker D: Wet dad. Oh, you should have seen him in his natural element. The fae.
[00:34:12] Speaker E: Mother. Mother. No. No.
[00:34:14] Speaker F: Why are you here?
[00:34:15] Speaker C: I wasn't all sweat. A lot of it was.
[00:34:17] Speaker D: We've heard the tale.
The tale of you. The tale of the father.
[00:34:22] Speaker E: We all know the tale of you meeting Wet Father.
[00:34:25] Speaker F: You.
[00:34:25] Speaker C: You always derail.
[00:34:28] Speaker D: But we didn't tell him.
[00:34:29] Speaker C: We didn't tell you the whole tale. For the way we tell it, it's probably in, like, a roller rink or like a dance hall somewhere where two people would be dancing. But it wasn't. It was out on the sea.
[00:34:42] Speaker D: On the sea.
[00:34:43] Speaker C: Your mother, though, rock hard, incredible abs. Works out all the time. Not very buoyant.
[00:34:50] Speaker D: No father.
[00:34:51] Speaker C: Rocking a full keg, wet at all times. Legs, a mermaid tail. I saved her and brought her to the shore.
[00:34:58] Speaker D: Ah. I say. My boy. My boy. My boy.
He be my boy. My boy. My boy.
[00:35:05] Speaker B: Heathrow. You have to cut him off before they keep talking.
[00:35:08] Speaker E: Heathrow. It's up to you.
[00:35:10] Speaker F: All right. I be. But the warden and I do order you to silent. Now, go into this cell and say hello to your children. Your visiting hours are short, but they start now.
[00:35:20] Speaker C: We better do what she says.
[00:35:22] Speaker D: I know. Was so assertive.
[00:35:24] Speaker F: Yes. I shall open this door. And as I open this door, Mother and Father, you shall enter the cell.
Oh.
[00:35:32] Speaker E: Oh.
[00:35:33] Speaker B: And they should wear our clothes so that they understand our perspective precisely.
[00:35:41] Speaker E: Mama, here. Come. Take this striped shirt and these striped pants and this striped little cap.
[00:35:47] Speaker B: I doff them so you can dawn them.
[00:35:50] Speaker E: Aye. So that you understand our plight. And it'll look so good on you.
[00:35:55] Speaker C: Mum.
[00:35:56] Speaker F: Yes. Do as your sons say. And so that your sons are not in their Underoos, please give your sons your clothes.
[00:36:04] Speaker E: Oh, it's so wet.
[00:36:06] Speaker D: Thou shalt have to choose which the fathers.
[00:36:09] Speaker B: I think Cockatrice already took it.
[00:36:13] Speaker E: I honestly. I kind of was looking forward to that.
[00:36:15] Speaker D: Oh, it's like a tarp.
[00:36:17] Speaker B: Cockatrice. You can. I'll take the wet pants. You can have the wet shirt.
[00:36:21] Speaker D: Our sons be sharing.
[00:36:23] Speaker B: Deal? Deal.
[00:36:24] Speaker E: We shall share the load.
[00:36:27] Speaker C: This be not bully behavior. Yet thou be proud of your sons.
[00:36:32] Speaker D: They be neither loser nor bully.
[00:36:35] Speaker C: There be a third option.
They be mermaids like their old papa.
[00:36:42] Speaker B: Run.
[00:36:43] Speaker E: Benvolio. Heathmore. Shut the door.
[00:36:45] Speaker F: Go.
[00:36:45] Speaker A: Go.
[00:36:48] Speaker D: We want you.
[00:36:49] Speaker C: Mermaids.
[00:36:50] Speaker E: Sons and daughters. Run. Run. Run.
[00:36:52] Speaker D: Run.
[00:36:53] Speaker E: Run. We've locked our parents in the cell, but now there's no way for us to get away. If only there was something to ride upon, perhaps.
[00:37:03] Speaker F: Oh, Jake. Do come to me at this hour of need.
[00:37:07] Speaker D: Rock coming. I'm inside. The horse and the dog, but we can still fly.
[00:37:12] Speaker F: Wait.
A horse, a dog and a bird. Be but three. Three animals. Free yourselves.
[00:37:18] Speaker E: Un.
[00:37:19] Speaker F: Entwine yourselves from one another.
[00:37:21] Speaker B: We could do it by staying together.
In fact, I think we insist.
[00:37:29] Speaker E: So all the brothers must then, similar to a Russian doll, get within one another. Just like the horse, the dog and the bird. Oh, yes.
[00:37:40] Speaker D: There'd be room for three on the back of the horse.
[00:37:43] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:37:45] Speaker C: This be a prison. This be an announcement. Prison wide. Einstein and Crosby have left my side.
[00:37:53] Speaker D: Whoever be hating them to escape, their
[00:37:56] Speaker C: punishment shall be one from which you cannot break.
[00:38:00] Speaker D: No. Come on now. We must go.
[00:38:03] Speaker F: It be now or never. Let's climb onto thy back of thine horse and run away.
[00:38:08] Speaker E: Brothers, my empathy. I do feel a bit soft. For the warden, he is left but alone. If only he had but one friend. One. One good listener.
[00:38:19] Speaker F: Friend. Does he not, Jacoby?
[00:38:22] Speaker E: Oh, let's go. That he's fine.
[00:38:24] Speaker D: Let's go.
[00:38:24] Speaker E: This is wonderful.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: And our father's heritage be coming out through our blood. Now my mermaid tail emerges and propels us through the water.
[00:38:36] Speaker D: Help us. We're the other prisoners. We're stuck. We can't hear a thing. We can't turn.
[00:38:42] Speaker E: Oh, just keep going straight.
Go straight. Just land right there. Just go straight.
[00:38:48] Speaker D: What?
[00:38:49] Speaker A: What? What?
[00:38:50] Speaker E: Oh, gosh. Keep fly. Look. Keep flying. They'll figure it out.
[00:38:53] Speaker D: Whoa.
[00:38:54] Speaker C: They're going a different direction. We never considered.
[00:38:56] Speaker D: Follow them.
Whoa. I can't hear. But I saw you point.
[00:39:03] Speaker B: Jacoby.
[00:39:04] Speaker A: Hi, Warden.
[00:39:05] Speaker C: The prisoners be escaped. We must go. We must go or all will be fucked.
[00:39:11] Speaker A: Warden, the dog's already out of the horse.
I don't.
I don't think we can get it back.
[00:39:18] Speaker C: Jacoby. Jacoby. This prison be my life. If all the prisoners be gone, all the guards be gone, all the various animals be gone. The only one left here is you.
[00:39:30] Speaker D: And us.
[00:39:31] Speaker A: I won.
[00:39:32] Speaker D: Hello.
I'm a mom.
Hello.
[00:39:37] Speaker F: I'm a mom. What?
[00:39:39] Speaker A: Hello.
[00:39:39] Speaker E: Hello.
I'm a mom.
[00:39:45] Speaker D: I'm so sorry. I was here with my husband.
I was here.
I was a mom here with my husband. And the ladies, they just wanted to get together.
Hi.
[00:39:56] Speaker C: I'm a dad.
[00:39:57] Speaker D: We were at the gift shop. We're gonna go back to there for a while. Babe, you okay over here? Yeah, we're good. Over here. We're good.
[00:40:02] Speaker F: We'd be good, but thank you.
[00:40:04] Speaker A: Oren, you do have two prisoners. And now two unexpected guests as well.
[00:40:08] Speaker D: Misting.
[00:40:08] Speaker A: Ours are open.
You have two prisoners.
[00:40:12] Speaker C: Now. Maze, I have a question to ask thee. Wisdom. Passed down by my own mother. That I must see if it's universal or simply my mother's own madness passed down to me. Tell us. If something could be your fault.
Is it no.
[00:40:31] Speaker B: Fuck no.
[00:40:33] Speaker C: That was my entire life. Philosophy. Mom number two.
[00:40:36] Speaker F: Yes.
[00:40:37] Speaker C: If something could be your fault.
[00:40:39] Speaker F: Is it no.
[00:40:41] Speaker D: Oh, my God. Mom number three.
[00:40:44] Speaker C: If you say no, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
If something could be your fault.
[00:40:50] Speaker E: Is it no.
[00:40:53] Speaker C: No.
[00:40:54] Speaker D: Jacoby.
My life be a lie. What have I done?
It's outer shell. It's cracking.
[00:41:03] Speaker F: It'd be cracking. Come. Come in. Come into. Come into the cell with moms and the one. Dad.
[00:41:09] Speaker D: Mama.
Oh, we. Oh, the mama.
[00:41:15] Speaker E: You work so hard.
[00:41:16] Speaker D: You work so hard. You're a good warden.
[00:41:19] Speaker F: Yes. Who's a good warden?
[00:41:23] Speaker D: You're a good ward. I'm going to make you some soup.
[00:41:26] Speaker E: I'm going to make you some soup.
[00:41:28] Speaker C: Thank you for the love and kindness you've shown me this day. I think thou mothers have shown me another way.
[00:41:36] Speaker E: His heart. It's growing.
[00:41:40] Speaker F: It's.
[00:41:41] Speaker E: We can tell because his outer shell is cracking.
[00:41:43] Speaker C: My God. My heart is growing. My chest be opening. And flying into it is. What can that be?
There be a bird in my heart.
[00:41:52] Speaker F: Oh.
[00:41:53] Speaker C: Or a bird in me. I'm taking new wings and flying to new heights. Jacoby. I think I just might be able to do what is right.
Attention. All in the water and beyond.
This is the warning. You're free to go.
[00:42:11] Speaker B: Go.
[00:42:11] Speaker D: Move on.
[00:42:12] Speaker C: Alcatraz is over. Let it go. Let it rot it now be a tourist trap for people in San Francisco to visit. When Disneyland be fraught.
[00:42:23] Speaker F: What?
[00:42:23] Speaker E: We better keep going. He's after us.
[00:42:26] Speaker F: He's coming. I hear the booming voice. I feel the vibrations. But I don't know what was said.
[00:42:31] Speaker D: I know all Cl plop the message into the water.
Clop, clop, clop, clop, plop. Morse. Morse code. Code. Oh, oh, oh.
[00:42:44] Speaker E: Taking my earmuffs off we be but free.
[00:42:47] Speaker D: Oh, my. You guys all sound so good.
[00:42:49] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:42:50] Speaker F: Oh.
[00:42:51] Speaker B: And that was the Mother's Day that all of the prisoners invaded San Francisco and formed the choir, now known as the Alcatraz Men's Choir.
Selling out amphitheaters worldwide, professing a message of unity and listening.
[00:43:12] Speaker C: And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three,
[00:43:24] Speaker D: Trop. I'm so proud of you guys.
[00:43:36] Speaker E: The three brothers sit front row and nod to each other knowingly.
[00:43:40] Speaker D: Their mother and father dance in the
[00:43:44] Speaker C: corner the mother soaked the father dry
[00:43:48] Speaker D: his mermaid t standing them up on the floor of the concert hall Crosby
[00:43:57] Speaker A: and
[00:43:59] Speaker D: Crosby and Einstein the dog and a Horstein It's a dog and a
[00:44:03] Speaker A: horse more than Einstein and Crosby. We don't know which is which.
[00:44:06] Speaker B: Ordinarily either one of us would have only lived seven years, but now we are living 14 rock and with me
[00:44:14] Speaker D: thou shalt live 31
[00:44:18] Speaker C: thank you all for coming, for coming this day to see the opening night of this chorus today. I'm proud of you all the progress we've made. Just remember there are bullies, there are criminals, but the future is one that you make.
[00:44:39] Speaker B: That's our show.
You just heard Ross Neil, Maria Nalle, Carly Hayes, Javier Perez, PJ Nally who is our co producer and Drew Robinson who is our co producer and sound designer. If you liked this, check us out on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube as alasimprov. We don't have very many posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready for when we do. If you want to get in touch, email
[email protected] Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare is a Hell yeah production.
