[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: This episode containeth herein Joanna Borns, Ross Neal, Maria Nally. P.J. nally and Drew Robinson.
[00:00:19] Speaker C: And shall we have a word?
Yeah, let's clap.
[00:00:25] Speaker D: So professional.
Yeah, it's for syncing the sound.
[00:00:29] Speaker A: TJ is slatey. Yeah.
[00:00:31] Speaker D: With Slater.
[00:00:31] Speaker A: Usually, you know, production manager asks for it.
[00:00:34] Speaker B: That's fine. Drew Robinson. Five seven. Here's my hands.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: Here's my slate.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: I don't have a car. I will work with animals.
[00:00:41] Speaker E: Maria Nally. 5, 7 and 3 8. Here are my hands. I don't have a car. I do have a driver's license. I will only work with animals.
[00:00:51] Speaker C: Pjnally6 2.
My good part's actually my elbows. So I'm going to show those and I am willing to become an animal.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: Ross. Neil. I thought we're the same height, but I'm 63. We're the same height.
[00:01:05] Speaker C: You're six' three, I'm six' two.
[00:01:07] Speaker A: We gotta stand up later and check on.
[00:01:09] Speaker D: Maybe you're not 63.
[00:01:11] Speaker A: Maybe I'm not. I will say I did work for Michael Mouse once upon a time. They did check my height and I, depending on who was measuring me, was six' two or six' three based on what the character got called for. So. Hi, I'm Ross. Neil. My height's variable here in my hands. Don't look at my fingernails.
I don't have a car. I do have a driver's license. I love animals so much.
[00:01:32] Speaker D: I'm seven foot ten.
That's all anybody needs to know.
[00:01:37] Speaker B: I shrunk. I used to be five, nine.
[00:01:39] Speaker E: No way.
[00:01:40] Speaker B: Shrunk two inches over the years.
[00:01:42] Speaker E: Do you know why or no?
[00:01:44] Speaker B: Probably just bad posture. I don't know. Too Italian.
[00:01:47] Speaker E: I've been trying really hard.
Why does. What does being Italian have to do with your posture?
[00:01:52] Speaker B: I think, and this is only from observing my own family that mostly little old Italian ladies. But it extends to the men shrink over time.
[00:02:00] Speaker A: I thought you were going with like there were specific mannerisms of Italian families that caused the shrinking. That's why I was kind of like, why does the Italian have. I think people just shrink. That's just aging.
[00:02:09] Speaker D: I do have a 95 year old Italian man in my pocket and use this ton.
So I think that Italian do shrink like down really tiny. Tiny Tony don't like disrespect him like.
[00:02:22] Speaker A: Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: Tony.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: Tony, I'm sorry. You're very large in the chart.
You're right.
[00:02:27] Speaker C: When I was a kid I really thought like, like shrink wrap was inviolable, like, inimitable. Like, if so, like you could, like. I didn't realize you could re shrink wrap something.
So if something was shrink wrapped, I'm like, this must be brand new, like a video game. Like, I was like, this must be brand new if it's shrink wrap.
[00:02:46] Speaker D: Have you guys seen those things at the airport where they wrap like a luggage in like 50 things of like neon green plastic? You don't know what I'm talking about. But, like, it's like for security so nobody can get in your suitcase. Oh, I don't know that. Just ever since you said shrink wrap, that's been playing in my head and I've just been imagining suitcases getting wrapped up real tight.
[00:03:08] Speaker B: I don't want all my bedbugs getting out.
[00:03:12] Speaker C: I can't travel without my bed bugs.
[00:03:14] Speaker E: No, they're my bedbugs.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: And take them to the hotel so I can curl up with them.
[00:03:17] Speaker A: They're my pets.
[00:03:18] Speaker E: They're my guys. They keep me warm.
[00:03:20] Speaker C: Yeah. You know how hard it is to find a good bedbug sitter in this city? Like, I gotta take them with.
[00:03:25] Speaker D: It's impossible.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: They're so easy to take care of.
[00:03:28] Speaker B: Literally.
[00:03:28] Speaker A: Just lay on the bed and you're set. That's it. You fed them. You basically watered them with your sweat. You're good. It's like a pet rock, but better because they're actually alive.
[00:03:36] Speaker D: Yeah. They can hear you when you tell them your problems. A rock? No.
[00:03:40] Speaker C: In Verona, we find ourselves with the poor, sleeping three to a bed.
Ah, yes. Bed in which they snug. Bed in which they be like bugs.
And yes, they know in every sitch their skin be dry and it do itch. And yet they travel oft in pairs, for the itch travels in their hairs.
[00:04:06] Speaker B: But the bedbugs be a vital part of the city's beating bloody heart. One cannot travel to Naples or Rome without finding for your bedbugs a temporary home.
[00:04:21] Speaker E: For as they do say at the start or the end, bed bugs are but man's best friend.
And although they may fly below and up above, in their hearts they are filled with nothing but love.
[00:04:35] Speaker D: While some may need a bug to hold their hand, in other cities the bugs are banned.
[00:04:42] Speaker C: The Duke has banned them from Pamplona, so all must travel as a lona.
For without bugs you may not have friends.
And without bugs, your scratches come to an end.
Is it better to be comfortable and alone or itchy and together?
What is better?
What brings you more brethren.
[00:05:10] Speaker B: We cut to an end. Inn in Pamploma. It's next to where all the bulls are raised.
We see a poor old man making the the beds for his guests. But no one will come.
[00:05:27] Speaker A: Here in Pamplona.
I have lost many a customer. With the Duke's accursed temper.
He's taking away the bugs they've left with all their rugs. They've left me bereft of anything. No customers, no dinners to be had.
I sit alone.
A large man feeling small.
Anthony, my name is. But in my heart I consider myself Tiny Anthony.
[00:05:57] Speaker D: Ah, excuse me.
[00:05:58] Speaker F: Oh, hello.
[00:06:00] Speaker A: Welcome to my inn.
[00:06:01] Speaker D: Have thee room and board at this inn?
[00:06:04] Speaker A: Of course, of course I do. But I needs must ask you, stranger first. Your name. I am Tiny Anthony.
[00:06:11] Speaker D: Oh, My name she shall not have. Too tiny are thee.
[00:06:14] Speaker E: Good day.
[00:06:15] Speaker A: I pray thee stay a while. Stay awhile.
[00:06:17] Speaker D: I've walked away.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: No, please, please. I shall follow thee into the street. I do not beseech to rend thy privacy asunder, dear stranger. I merely seek to find.
I crave company.
[00:06:30] Speaker D: Get away or I'll hit you with a stick.
[00:06:32] Speaker C: Excuse me, I. I doth receive a request for a wall between you and said man.
[00:06:38] Speaker D: Yes, right away, good sir.
[00:06:39] Speaker C: Indeed. Bricks lay. Shall I In Hamplona.
[00:06:42] Speaker A: Things move so fast. They move very fast.
[00:06:45] Speaker D: Needest only a few bricks. For this horrible man is quite tiny.
[00:06:50] Speaker A: I pray thee. I feel tiny. I am quite large. Dost thou seek? Why art thou in Pamplona? Thou hast come in. Thou hast made fun of me. I was baring my heart to thee, stranger. I apologize for the familiarity.
[00:07:03] Speaker D: I come from Verona and my doctor has said I must leave, for too much of my blood has been tainted by bedbugs, my only friends.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Thou hast the bedbugs of Verona?
Ay, stranger, thou. Thou art imperilled in this town. The Duke Ascalon. Ascalon is his name. Has claimed that the bedbugs shall not be allowed in Pamplona.
[00:07:32] Speaker D: Then good. This is why I seek refuge in Pamplona. I'm no longer allowed to commune with the bugs.
[00:07:39] Speaker A: But thou hast means to commune with thy bugs, dost thou not? If thou dost not, I again I have put thee off with my familiarity. I am quite sorry about that. But if an I may be so bold. If thou hast ways to commune with the bugs, or thou hast left a place for me, I may go find the bugs and therefore find familiarity.
[00:08:00] Speaker D: If familiarity is what the seeks, bugs are your best bet.
[00:08:05] Speaker F: Mistress. Mistress.
[00:08:07] Speaker D: They have followed no Bugs. You cannot be here.
[00:08:11] Speaker F: We're so hungry, mistress. Our bellies have nothing but knot in them.
[00:08:18] Speaker D: Oh, no, my sweet bugs.
[00:08:20] Speaker F: Me and my large family of bugs, we just seek refuge.
[00:08:25] Speaker E: Yes, refuge. We seek refuge. We seek.
[00:08:28] Speaker C: Please, we want refuge. Give us refuge, sir, please.
[00:08:33] Speaker D: There's nothing more in this earth I would wish than to give you refuge, sweet bugs. My only friends, as you see the humans in this world, are like this horrible man, Anthony. I can't talk to them. Only you, sweet bugs.
[00:08:49] Speaker E: And only you. May we talk to only you?
[00:08:53] Speaker C: Yes, only you.
[00:08:55] Speaker F: Only you.
[00:08:56] Speaker D: But you're not safe here. You've been banned by the Duke.
[00:08:59] Speaker A: Are you commuting with the bugs?
[00:09:01] Speaker D: Yes, I've been talking to the bugs this entire time.
[00:09:04] Speaker C: Should I. Should I keep up with the wall? Talketh more with this man you do.
[00:09:09] Speaker D: Uh, yeah. I guess we don't need the wall.
[00:09:12] Speaker C: Ah. Unbuild it. I shall.
[00:09:14] Speaker A: Thor, can we please stay in my inn? I shall not charge thee. Bring thy bugs inside. We shall keep thee there safe.
[00:09:22] Speaker D: They don't like you.
[00:09:23] Speaker F: He smells gross. I wouldn't eat his blood with my worst enemy's mouth.
[00:09:29] Speaker E: I wouldn't touch his blood with a ten foot pole.
[00:09:32] Speaker C: I would sooner suckle at the cheatable witch.
[00:09:36] Speaker D: They're insulting you right now.
[00:09:38] Speaker A: Oh, they'll. They'll grow ugly. It's fine. Please, come inside. Take a sucker. Take a rest. Keep them safe inside and away from the Duke's prying eyes.
[00:09:48] Speaker D: All right. We shall rest here for one night and no more.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: I'll get this stew going away meanwhile,
[00:09:57] Speaker E: at the Duke's palace.
Bring me my chalice.
[00:10:02] Speaker C: Your chalice? I have.
[00:10:03] Speaker E: Thank you so much.
[00:10:04] Speaker C: Yes, Duke.
It is my honor serving thee.
[00:10:08] Speaker E: It is my honor to be served by thee, Sir Charlie.
[00:10:12] Speaker A: Ah.
[00:10:12] Speaker C: May I say that you in highest estimation, I do think. And my regard for you never does shrink.
[00:10:20] Speaker E: Why, I thank thee profusely. Although thou do be but just a servant, my admiration for you is. Is truly astronomical. And may I just say that now that I have gotten rid of all the bedbugs in the kingdom, rats are next. I shall work my way up to the top until nothing is left but humans.
[00:10:42] Speaker C: I. Nothing but humans shall be. Shall be there. And all humans. Then must your birthday party attend.
[00:10:49] Speaker E: Yes, exactly. Because no animals shall attend my birthday party. But this year I would like for all of Pamplona to. To attend my birthday party. And next year, not only all of Pamplona, but all of Verona and all of Versailles as well.
[00:11:03] Speaker C: I. With all such people coming to your Party with animals, not to distract them. Popular thou shalt be and seen in estimation as high as I see thee when I think while looking out windows.
[00:11:18] Speaker E: And I think of thee while looking out windows as well. When I look into the moon, I see but thee's face with mine, I mean. For I would like for everybody to admire me as thou do. And when animals are near, everyone ogles over animals and not me. Everyone except for you, Sir Charlie.
[00:11:36] Speaker D: Oh, excuse me, Duke. I'm the rat jester. You don't like me rats and my little rat show.
I brought some rats.
[00:11:44] Speaker E: Oh, God. Look at that rat gesture with the cute little crown and the cute little cane and the cute little tap shoes.
I can't stand it.
[00:11:56] Speaker C: Tis too cheesy.
[00:11:57] Speaker D: I'll go. I'll take me rats and go. I know when me rats are not wanted.
[00:12:03] Speaker E: Yes, absolutely. Take the rats and go and live for another day. For this may be the last day that thine will have. What?
[00:12:13] Speaker D: Oh, no.
[00:12:14] Speaker E: Oh, yes.
[00:12:15] Speaker D: Let's go, rats.
[00:12:16] Speaker F: I just wanted to attend a party, mistress.
[00:12:20] Speaker D: I'm so sorry. Little rat.
Don't cry.
[00:12:26] Speaker E: This be what I mean, for they even look cute when they cry.
[00:12:29] Speaker C: Ah. My attention was poured away from thee and toward the rat.
[00:12:35] Speaker E: See, Sir Charlie, this is what I cannot have. For now that bedbugs have been eradicated, rats must go as well. Please trap these rats.
[00:12:43] Speaker C: Okay, trap the rats. Shall I? Net acquiring.
Net acquired.
Net hoisting. Net hoisted. Net lowering. Net lowered. Rats acquired.
[00:12:56] Speaker E: Oi.
[00:12:56] Speaker F: Me rats? No, it was just I was hypnotized by his robotic tone of speech.
[00:13:02] Speaker C: Aye. Now. Rats acquired. Rats proceeding to load. Take to boat for exile to England.
[00:13:12] Speaker E: Thank you, Charlie. I shall see you anon.
[00:13:15] Speaker C: Anon, I shall see you entering into my calendar.
[00:13:21] Speaker E: Love, Charlie. Do I love Charlie so deeply?
But I am but a duke and he is but a servant.
For although he cannot love me as I love him, and although I cannot love him as he me, I can ask him to do things.
And for bedbugs. There are so many rats. There are so many. And Charlie, there is so few. Perhaps, while eradicating all animals and getting all humans to pay attention to me, Charlie will keep paying attention as well.
[00:13:54] Speaker C: Proceeding with left foot.
Proceeding with right foot.
See you later. I shall, my favorite man.
[00:14:02] Speaker E: Proceeding with looking and wanting.
[00:14:09] Speaker C: I wish I knew who my parents were.
Anon,
[00:14:16] Speaker A: my lord, the duke.
[00:14:17] Speaker C: Why.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: Why art thou so sad, my liege? Oh.
[00:14:21] Speaker E: Oh, father, I'd be so sad for
[00:14:25] Speaker A: thou was in love.
[00:14:28] Speaker E: Oh, father, I do understand.
[00:14:31] Speaker A: Ay, thou hast the look of the line, the lineage thou has proclaimed.
Thou dost love thy servant, O father.
[00:14:41] Speaker E: Thou dost know.
[00:14:42] Speaker A: Ay, ay, my son. Thou hast been looking for love from other people.
Thou hast a froward look about thy brow. Thou hast tears upon thy eyes, tracks upon thy cheeks.
[00:14:54] Speaker E: Be it that obvious?
[00:14:57] Speaker A: Thou art my son. My eldest son.
And thou art like a book to me.
Thou needs must follow in thy steps. If thou cravest the animals of the kingdom of Pamplona to be gone, thou needs must follow through. But if thou cravest the love of thy Charlie, thou needs must pursue it.
Speak the word. Speak the speech unto the man.
But I hear rumors, my son, the Duke.
Rumours of new bugs afoot.
[00:15:30] Speaker B: No.
[00:15:31] Speaker A: Ay, ay, thou needs must. If thou cravest the love of thy Charlie, Thou hast time to spend with him. Needs not send him away upon his own, upon his lonesome. Take thy time with him.
[00:15:45] Speaker E: I shall take time with him.
I shall take time with him to eradicate the bugs. And I shall take time with him to eradicate the bugs. And make sure that I have attention at my birthday party.
[00:15:57] Speaker A: My boy, I'm so proud of you.
Thou has found love in thy servant. Thou hast found the vocation.
It's going to be very difficult. There are lots of bugs.
A lot more bugs than there are us. But I'm so proud of you. Come, let us away. Let us find your child. Let us begin and follow through on this rumor that I have heard. Come, my son.
[00:16:18] Speaker B: We cut back to the end.
[00:16:20] Speaker F: Ah, Mistress. This has been a wonderful place to set up. I feel like I've truly infested this bed.
[00:16:28] Speaker E: I feel that I have made myself comfortable in every nook and every cranny.
[00:16:33] Speaker C: I feel ensconced in its fabrics like a good old lady in a quilt.
[00:16:38] Speaker D: I'm so happy for you, my beloved bugs. But I fear you may be in danger, for you're not allowed in this place.
[00:16:45] Speaker F: But we have to find your son.
[00:16:48] Speaker E: We certainly must. We must find your son.
[00:16:52] Speaker C: Ah. Find your son, Brison d'. Etre. I think I say that wrong, but get the point. You do.
[00:16:58] Speaker D: No, it's true. Ever since my son was lost, I've had only bugs to speak with. I wish not speak with any other human.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: Oh, please. I brought the shoe up to the room.
The bugs talking nice about me?
[00:17:12] Speaker D: They're not speaking about you at all. Not everything's about you.
[00:17:15] Speaker C: Oh, I be dost bugged by this.
[00:17:19] Speaker D: Okay, now they're talking about you. And it's not good.
[00:17:21] Speaker F: He's a cardwaller. A lily livered face licker.
[00:17:25] Speaker D: It's insults again.
[00:17:26] Speaker C: He's a lolly licking loop lopper.
[00:17:30] Speaker E: He's a lolly licking loopy logging loo. Ly looly lully lugging loop logger.
[00:17:36] Speaker D: There's much speculation about what thou licks.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: I lick most things in the inn. It's true. The bugs are correct about that. Look, tell them wherever I've looked, they're welcome to be. It's not an ownership thing. I just. I just like to do it.
[00:17:52] Speaker D: I'm starting to understand why no one wants to stay at your inn.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: You know. Well, you know that thing where like you can look at something, you can tell what it's going to feel like on your tongue.
So it's called an intrusive thought.
[00:18:03] Speaker D: So don't do this.
[00:18:05] Speaker E: I and he but think that we are gross.
[00:18:07] Speaker D: No, no, sweet bugs, he does not. He loves you as all must love you.
[00:18:13] Speaker A: It's true. I do love the bugs. I love them. I love them a lot. Look, whatever you all need. You're free to stay here as long as you can. There are some shady figures loitering outside. A bit robotic, but I do love just having people in the inn. Well, a person and bugs.
[00:18:30] Speaker E: What?
[00:18:31] Speaker D: What shady figures are outside?
[00:18:33] Speaker A: It's a tall fellow, about six two, maybe six three.
Somewhere in between, one might say. Six' one. You're six' three. Let's say somewhere in that range, but moving very like.
[00:18:45] Speaker D: Oh, pray tell. Are my bugs in danger?
[00:18:49] Speaker A: They are outlawed.
I mean, maybe.
[00:18:52] Speaker D: We must protect the bugs at all costs.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: I'll lick every surface for him. I'll keep a look outside.
[00:18:57] Speaker D: I don't think the licking will help anything, but thank you.
[00:19:01] Speaker A: Of course.
Make sure the bugs say nice things about me. I'm gonna go keep watching. But watch out.
[00:19:06] Speaker D: I don't control the bugs away.
Don't worry, bugs. I won't let anything happen to you. I don't care if a 6 foot 2 or 6'3 man wants to harm you. I won't let them. Because no one else can help me find my son.
[00:19:21] Speaker F: It's true.
We shall know him by his strange abilities. Same as yours, mistress. To detect the vocal stimulations of insects.
[00:19:32] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:19:33] Speaker C: I protect you with our lives. We shall.
[00:19:36] Speaker D: Great. I'm glad we have this mutual understanding. Is so beautiful.
[00:19:40] Speaker C: Then let us pray he not come in outside.
[00:19:47] Speaker E: I do believe, father, that this is the only place where the bugs could be. For this is the only inn all of Pamplona.
[00:19:53] Speaker A: My son, I'm so proud of you. You know your city like the back of your hand. Now, if this is where you think the bugs do lie, take your love and go inside and seek them out.
Find yourself a passionate romance. It's a great time. Go inside, chase the bugs.
[00:20:11] Speaker E: Why, it do look as though Charlie is coming.
[00:20:15] Speaker C: Approaching, approaching, approaching.
[00:20:20] Speaker A: I don't get it, but I'm very happy for you, son.
[00:20:23] Speaker C: Approaching it do be, but obviously approaching.
[00:20:26] Speaker F: Please let me out of the net.
[00:20:28] Speaker C: In net thou shalt stay. This be the way to the docks for boats. Boats to England, where rats all shall live.
[00:20:35] Speaker E: Now, Charlie, please make waste with the rats very quickly, for I hath another task for the two of us.
[00:20:43] Speaker C: Thou wishest me to make waste?
Made waste an hour ago, I did. And the rats too shall be a long time. For before we can do it again,
[00:20:53] Speaker F: he doth push on my stomach until I expel it. It was not a pleasant experience.
[00:20:58] Speaker C: It was to make sure not in transit. You do it for soiling yourself such would make for a bad journey.
[00:21:04] Speaker E: Charlie.
[00:21:07] Speaker C: Yes, my Duke?
What? What troubles you, my Duke? Thou have trouble with speech.
[00:21:13] Speaker E: Wait. The rats could be of use for all of Pamplona knows that rats eat bed bugs. And I do have but knowledge from my father, the Grand Duke, that there is but bed bugs in this inn.
The bedbugs that I have but banned the bed bugs.
[00:21:30] Speaker C: But thou have but banned the bed
[00:21:32] Speaker E: bugs that I have but banned for my birthday party.
[00:21:35] Speaker B: Did somebody say a butt ban?
[00:21:37] Speaker C: What?
[00:21:38] Speaker B: I gotta take this huge cake somewhere else.
[00:21:42] Speaker C: A butt band.
[00:21:43] Speaker B: Oh, bedbug ban.
[00:21:45] Speaker C: What did you think?
[00:21:46] Speaker B: I don't know. I'm just the guy with a big rumpus.
[00:21:49] Speaker C: Oh, so the cake not have nothing to do with it. Be it be a physical form.
[00:21:53] Speaker A: The cake is a metaphor.
[00:21:56] Speaker B: Well, this guy gets it.
[00:21:57] Speaker C: I doth not hear cake as metaphor for posteriors.
[00:22:01] Speaker B: I was just passing through.
[00:22:03] Speaker E: For now the big butt may stay. But if the big butt causes any energy or attention but to be not upon me, then the big butt must go.
[00:22:12] Speaker C: My duke, careful be thee, for if thou order waste from the big butt shall be a large quantity that may bury us.
[00:22:19] Speaker E: I naught but order waste I but order. Perhaps a ban. A ban of the big butt. A big butt ban. But right now I must focus on the bedbug ban. And if the bedbug ban does not get my attention, then the big butt ban will come next.
[00:22:33] Speaker C: Did someone ask for Big Bob Band?
Big Bob's band Rolling through Verona, Pamplona
[00:22:40] Speaker A: and all Italy town Big Bob's Band is well renowned throughout the land the battalions of Big Bob's Band My son is quite fantastic. I'm a big fan, a big fan of Big Bob's Band with the Big
[00:22:53] Speaker E: Butt Band Big Bob's Band will be banned. If it causes more attention on me, it will be less attention on me. It will be first the Bedbug Band Then the Big Butt Band Then the Big Bob's Band.
[00:23:07] Speaker C: The Big Bob's Band shall be banned or play For Big Bob's Band loves to play.
[00:23:12] Speaker A: Aye, dear son, it was very confusing. The very last sentence you said.
[00:23:16] Speaker E: Number one, Bedbug Band. Number two, Big butt ban. Number three, Big Bob's Band ban.
[00:23:23] Speaker C: Ah, well, that clears it up.
Well, why. Why, we could sing a song of these.
[00:23:30] Speaker A: I'll clap my cheeks, I pray thee. I, as the. As the Grand Duke, I do wish to hear this.
[00:23:36] Speaker E: That would be attention on me.
[00:23:39] Speaker C: Well, there's Duke He's a big old duke and he likes to bang big butts and ban bos band and ban the bedbugs too oh, there's a Duke, There's a Duke yes, there's a Duke yes, there's a Duke and he likes to ban bedbugs Ban bob, ban Then ban all the butts He's a duke, duke, duke He's a duke, duke, duke He's a duke, Duke, Duke, Duke, duke and that be but my first draft, Charlie.
[00:24:12] Speaker E: I do think that that would be but a wonderful thing to have at my birthday party. I think that Big Bob's band could be at my birthday party.
[00:24:20] Speaker C: Aye, Big Bob's band at your birthday party. I shall load the funds to your account so that thou may compensate Big Bob's band for the party.
[00:24:29] Speaker E: That would be wonderful.
[00:24:30] Speaker C: Would be bodacious. For you be my best bud and
[00:24:33] Speaker E: you be but mine.
[00:24:35] Speaker C: Ay, I be but yours. Like his big butt, I be your big friend.
[00:24:40] Speaker E: Why, like his.
Why, like Tearing up. Thou art tearing up. But I am. For like his big. But we do be but together.
[00:24:51] Speaker C: Ay, and we be two cheeks touching all times.
[00:24:55] Speaker E: And we do be but two parts of a whole.
[00:24:57] Speaker C: Ay, indeed. Though a whole sometimes lie between us.
[00:25:01] Speaker B: From upstairs.
[00:25:03] Speaker F: Mistress. Mistress, I can. I can understand another human voice near. And I can only understand your voice normally.
[00:25:11] Speaker D: How is this possible?
Let's look out the window anyway.
[00:25:16] Speaker C: I wish I knew who my parents were.
[00:25:19] Speaker E: Oh.
[00:25:19] Speaker D: All I can see is a man with cake for days. It's blocking out the view of anything else.
[00:25:25] Speaker E: Mistress, does cake mean but. But cake for a party?
[00:25:30] Speaker D: No, why?
[00:25:32] Speaker C: What Cake not for a party?
[00:25:35] Speaker D: Well, I guess it depends on the party.
[00:25:37] Speaker F: I want to have a party with cake.
[00:25:39] Speaker D: I mean, it's not. Not for a party.
[00:25:41] Speaker F: I'm gonna get down on some cake.
[00:25:44] Speaker C: Yeah. I would like to dive my mouth into some cake.
[00:25:47] Speaker E: Yes, I would like to dig deep into some cake, please.
[00:25:52] Speaker D: All right, outside. We must go.
[00:25:54] Speaker F: Yay.
[00:25:55] Speaker C: Huzzah.
[00:25:56] Speaker A: You're coming down the stairs. Have the bugs said anything else about me?
[00:26:00] Speaker D: No. Again, they're not talking about you right now.
[00:26:02] Speaker A: Okay. Are you sure? Okay, well, there's more stew for you. I promise I'll keep it warp. Okay, bye.
Enjoy the street.
[00:26:09] Speaker D: We have to get outside.
My. My son might be out there.
[00:26:13] Speaker E: Stew be but terrible. Cake be but delicious.
[00:26:16] Speaker D: I.
[00:26:17] Speaker C: Initiating knocking sequence.
[00:26:23] Speaker D: I think. I think someone's at the door.
It's on. It's not clear, though.
[00:26:28] Speaker E: Answer it. Mistress, you may answer, for you are a guest at this establishment. That is but one step next to a house owner.
[00:26:36] Speaker D: Okay, I'm opening the door.
[00:26:42] Speaker C: Hello. Reports of bed bugs, have we at this establishment?
[00:26:46] Speaker F: It's him. It's him.
[00:26:47] Speaker E: I can tell why, yes. And bed bugs have been banned at this establishment. Bed bugs and big butts. But not Big Bob's band.
[00:26:55] Speaker D: Well, surely there must be some mistake. There can't be bud bugs here, since they are indeed banned.
[00:27:02] Speaker E: Aye, but rumors have been afoot that there are bedbugs here, and so we must search.
[00:27:08] Speaker C: Let me use my bed bug ears, for thou knowest that I have a special ability that be but ability of few and genetic that allows me to hear. Bed bugs.
[00:27:19] Speaker E: Why, yes, of course. And let me use the rats that thine has captured and see if they can sniff out any bed bugs.
[00:27:27] Speaker C: Yes, they shall sniff and I shall hear. Two senses covered.
[00:27:30] Speaker E: Yes, absolutely.
[00:27:32] Speaker C: And thou shalt look for when they be uncovered, thou hast eyes to see them.
[00:27:36] Speaker E: Oh, if only there were one who could taste.
[00:27:39] Speaker C: Ay, we need one who could taste to assist in search for bed bugs.
[00:27:43] Speaker A: Ah, hello. I'm the proprietor of this establishment.
[00:27:47] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Mr. Tasty.
[00:27:50] Speaker A: Tiny Tony Tasty. That was my name.
How was my day when I was a younger man, I licked everything in this room. I can find. What you're looking for. You tell me where to lick. Whether it's a doorknob, whether it's some cake, whether it's the other kind of cake.
I'll lick it.
[00:28:07] Speaker C: Bugs we wish licked, not butts.
[00:28:10] Speaker A: I've wanted to lick the bugs.
The ban has made it so difficult to find.
[00:28:16] Speaker E: Well, that is too bad for Thou cannot lick any bugs, but if thou finds bugs, then thou shalt get the greatest reward. An invitation to my birthday party.
[00:28:27] Speaker A: I pray thee I'm to look around.
Lick around. Not look around, lick around.
[00:28:32] Speaker E: I shall look around. Thou shalt lick around.
[00:28:34] Speaker C: Aye, if I look around, I'm the rat.
[00:28:37] Speaker F: I shall eat around.
[00:28:39] Speaker D: Don't worry, bugs. While they were talking, I ran away. I escaped. And I'm not there at the inn anymore, so you don't have to worry about being discovered.
[00:28:49] Speaker F: So smart.
[00:28:50] Speaker C: That was really smart. For they were talking for quite a long time when they could have been searching.
[00:28:55] Speaker B: And we see they're doing like a Benny Hill where the people at the inn are just going door to door, missing each other.
[00:29:02] Speaker A: Whoa.
[00:29:06] Speaker C: Oh. Oh, no. All of us collide at once and fall backwards in a circular formation.
Oh. Ow.
[00:29:13] Speaker F: No one's ever licked me a rat before.
[00:29:16] Speaker C: Ah.
Only one more hope we have Mr. Cakeman.
[00:29:20] Speaker E: Mr. Cakeman do be but our final hope. For if I will look around and you will look around, and you will hear around and you will e around
[00:29:32] Speaker B: then me from outside.
[00:29:35] Speaker C: Yes, you shall touch around, for all five senses are inconquerable.
[00:29:40] Speaker B: I will sit wherever I could be used.
[00:29:44] Speaker C: Fantastic. All right, sense team. We shall scour the countryside.
[00:29:49] Speaker A: I'll look around anywhere I've got friends and connection and familiarity.
[00:29:55] Speaker C: On a road just outside of town.
Hmm. Hear something in the distance, Do I?
[00:30:01] Speaker A: Thump, thump, thump.
[00:30:03] Speaker B: My butt doth detect the vibrations of walking on the cobble streets.
[00:30:08] Speaker A: The butt.
[00:30:10] Speaker E: I do see that the dust hath been moving ever so slightly, which makes me think that something is moving.
[00:30:16] Speaker C: I as dust might.
[00:30:18] Speaker A: The road's quite dry.
People walked by recently.
[00:30:23] Speaker C: The house can stop licking for two fucking seconds.
[00:30:27] Speaker A: I just want to be useful. That's okay. I understand the road's quite dry because people recently kicked the dust up. Someone's been by very nearly. Mmm.
[00:30:36] Speaker C: Wait a minute. Voices in the distance. Hear I bugly voices, Mistress.
[00:30:41] Speaker F: I don't know if this is a safe place to hide.
[00:30:44] Speaker E: Mistress. I understand the man was very nice to build a wall around us, but there is no top. For he can build a wall, but he cannot build a ceiling.
[00:30:54] Speaker C: I'm sorry, but the. But the roofers were bugs, and they have been banned.
So all homes now built in this city be but walls without roof.
[00:31:05] Speaker E: Oh, the city is worse for no bugs.
[00:31:08] Speaker D: Don't worry, my sweet little bugs.
Maybe if I can put on a disguise, they won't detect us.
[00:31:18] Speaker E: Why, yes, we the bugs shall be your mustache.
For all knows that a mustache Works as an impeccable disguise.
[00:31:26] Speaker D: All know that a mustache is an impeccable disguise. Truly the smartest bugs in the entire kingdom.
[00:31:35] Speaker C: Excuse me. Excuse me. I hear a mustache behind this wall. Hello.
[00:31:41] Speaker D: Yes, you can look over the wall.
[00:31:43] Speaker C: Hello. It is nice to see you. Your mustache sounds like bugs.
[00:31:50] Speaker D: What an odd thing to say, for it's purely a mustache made of hair and not bugs.
[00:31:55] Speaker E: And I will say that I do not think that I recognize you at all, for I have never seen a mustachioed person.
[00:32:03] Speaker D: Exactly. And you are a stranger to me as well.
[00:32:06] Speaker A: You look like a person who was staying at my inn. But they didn't have a mustache, so thou canst not be the same person. They never gave me the name.
[00:32:15] Speaker C: A request I have of thee, and thou art welcome to say no, for this be the strangest request I doth ever requested.
May this man lick thy moustache.
[00:32:25] Speaker D: Absolutely not. No.
[00:32:27] Speaker C: Fair enough.
[00:32:28] Speaker E: I do have a request, and thou may say no, for this may be the strangest request. But in the name of the Duke, may this man listen to thy moustache.
[00:32:39] Speaker D: Well, I can't see a problem with that, to be honest. Go ahead,
[00:32:46] Speaker F: fair sun.
Lost at sea.
We missed you'd return.
Your mom
[00:32:59] Speaker E: has missed you, Charlie.
[00:33:04] Speaker C: Whoa. Hold on, Charlie. Tears spewing forth eyes from mine.
[00:33:08] Speaker E: Oh, Charlie, thou art crying. I have never seen thou express emotion as such.
[00:33:14] Speaker C: The bugs speak of a son lost at sea. And my first memory be of me on a small boat made for a baby.
[00:33:22] Speaker D: Wait.
You could understandeth the bugs?
[00:33:28] Speaker C: Bugs? I thought only a moustache had you.
[00:33:32] Speaker E: Art thou having of a mustache with bugs?
[00:33:38] Speaker D: No. No.
[00:33:39] Speaker E: Yes. Yes.
[00:33:40] Speaker D: They're bugs.
[00:33:41] Speaker E: They're bugs.
[00:33:42] Speaker C: Thou. Thou fiend. Thou dost steal abilities from my family for my mother. A good, good woman must have been pilfered from her abilities by thee.
[00:33:54] Speaker D: No. No one has pilfered my abilities.
They are only mine.
[00:33:59] Speaker E: Only yours? But that would only be the case if thee were the mother of Charlie.
[00:34:07] Speaker B: But. But. But.
My butt senses a strong family connection. Like blood calling from veins to a.
A mother's love deeply regressed.
[00:34:21] Speaker D: This man's huge butt understands a mother's love for her lost son.
[00:34:26] Speaker B: I shall create a space where only a mother and son could talk in private. Removed from the judgmental eyes of Pamploma. Quickly, jump in my cake,
[00:34:45] Speaker C: Wall guy. No, Wall guy gets bound up and.
[00:34:49] Speaker E: Yeah, Wall guy's right here.
[00:34:50] Speaker C: Yeah, I wish. Anything but inside the butt.
[00:34:53] Speaker E: All right. Yep, yep, yep.
[00:34:56] Speaker A: My son, Barbeer. For me to claim you found odd bedfellows Thou hast got a very odd group of bedfellows. I highly recommend.
Maybe just make a proclamation. Talk with Charlie your love. It seems like he could use support. Maybe not from the large butt fellow.
[00:35:14] Speaker E: Why, yes, Charlie, go behind the wall and talk to thy mother. For I do but think that the. That she is thy mother. But afterwards, come and talk to me. For Charlie, while your mother doth love thee as a mother loves a son, I do love thee as a lover loves a lover.
I'd be so sorry, Charlie's mother. I did not mean to steal thy moment.
[00:35:36] Speaker D: No, it is. It is a much overwhelming moment for all involved.
[00:35:42] Speaker C: Two loves have I where four were none.
Processing, processing. Overload of mind woe.
Perspective changed. Perspective loaded.
Perspective discovered. Love found.
For my bosom buddy.
[00:36:01] Speaker E: Thou dost love me too.
[00:36:03] Speaker C: Love you like anything, but thou be' st a duke, and I but a servant, so was filed away in my mind in land of impossible.
[00:36:13] Speaker E: It be but blessed by my father, though, who hath been encouraging to me. And with the blessing from thy mother, we could finally be together.
[00:36:21] Speaker C: Two parental blessings have we, and so much love tween us.
[00:36:26] Speaker E: And two parental blessings and so much love overcomes the distance in social class
[00:36:31] Speaker C: we be but two cheeks squeezed together.
[00:36:34] Speaker E: We be but two cheeks squeezed together and your cheek plus my cheek doth make a whole.
[00:36:40] Speaker C: Indeed, I realize now I was but one half of this, But I also
[00:36:47] Speaker E: be but one half of this. But.
[00:36:50] Speaker C: Wow.
Wow. In love am I.
[00:36:57] Speaker E: In love am I as well. And that could not have happened without the bugs. The bed bugs that came into the kingdom. Charlie, release the rats. And Charlie's mother, you and the bed bugs may stay.
[00:37:13] Speaker D: Truly?
[00:37:14] Speaker E: Of course. You and the bed bugs may stay in the kingdom. By order of the duke, all bed bugs are allowed to return to Pamplona.
[00:37:22] Speaker D: Oh, this is such joyous news. Bugs, you're no longer in danger of extermination.
[00:37:28] Speaker F: Yay.
[00:37:32] Speaker C: Amazing. Thanks, friend.
[00:37:35] Speaker D: Sure thing, little bugs.
[00:37:36] Speaker C: Wow. And now all creatures can be invited to your birthday party.
[00:37:43] Speaker E: Well, yes, of course, for I wanted attention from all humans. But really, I just wanted attention from you. Oi.
[00:37:51] Speaker D: I can bring the ret show to your birthday party.
[00:37:55] Speaker E: Yeah, bring the rat show.
Bring the. Bring the. The top hat, bring the cane, bring the tap shoes.
[00:38:03] Speaker D: And all the rats can pop out of your birthday cake.
[00:38:06] Speaker E: Why, yes, of course.
Pop out of the birthday cake. And pop out of this man's cake as well. Whatever cake thou dost desire.
[00:38:14] Speaker D: Oh, I talk to me rats about that.
[00:38:17] Speaker B: I'm being piloted by a rat in My pants that's holding one cheek in one hand and the other cheek in another.
[00:38:24] Speaker A: Rat a butty.
Yay.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: Rat a butty.
[00:38:29] Speaker A: Son, let us go to your birthday party and we shall tell the story of your loves discovered, the story of your mother found and the story of Pamplona's rebound. Away,
[00:38:49] Speaker E: Away.
[00:38:50] Speaker C: There was a duke who banned the bugs and banned the butts as well but he could never ban a Big Bob's band. And so it all went swell, swell. He had a friend that became a lover. He had a lover who found his mother and then they had a party.
Big Bob's band at the party now. Big Bob's band at the party now. Big Bob's band at the party now. Everyone happy now? This one licks, this one touches, this one hears, and this one does other things. Because there are five senses and I have not named all of them yet. There is touch, there is hear, there is sea, and there is smell. Ah. What? What is that, man? Taste it all as well.
That's party. Birthday party. Ha ha ha ha. Big Bob's band.
[00:39:45] Speaker A: That's our show.
[00:39:48] Speaker B: You just heard. Joanna Bornes, who played the mother of bedbugs and the Ratchester. Ross Neil, who played Tiny Tony Tasty, the hotel owner and the Duke's father. Maria Nally, who played the duke and a bedbug and the construction guy, P.J. nally, who was our co producer and played a bedbug, a construction guy Charlie, the Duke's assistant and Big Bob of Big Bob's band. And Drew Robinson who is our co producer, sound designer and played a bed bug, a rat and a guy with cake for days. If you liked this, check us out on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube as alasimprov. We don't have very many posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready for when we do. If you want to get in touch, email
[email protected] Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare is a hell yeah production.
