[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare
[00:00:08] Speaker B: presented in Episode. Herein we have Maria Nelly, Russ o', Neill, PJ Nelly, and Drew Robinson.
[00:00:23] Speaker A: We did.
When I was in elementary school, we did a show. I. I was starting to get, like, tall and not much starting to get tall. And I remember I had been like Foley as a kid. We were doing this show where we were in Victorian ish era. Victorian, Mozart, Baroque bias. Remember that? Like, I'd be. I'd gotten big and didn't, like, realize it yet. So we're dressed in these costumes and we're children. And, like, some of the kids were now smaller than me, but I didn't understand this yet.
Were, like, doing something. I ended up stomping on this kid's foot, you know? Cause I was just like, hey, like, stop messing with me. I asked him, like, my mom, like, had to explain. She's like, hey, like, you are not small anymore. And like, yes, like, they shouldn't be doing that. But also, like, because of your size, people are going to assume that you're the aggressor. They're going to assume that you're the bully at a certain point, because just you are naturally getting into that.
[00:01:17] Speaker C: For everybody on the podcast who can't see you, how tall are you?
[00:01:21] Speaker A: I'm six three.
[00:01:22] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:01:22] Speaker A: I'm six three.
And I'm not a small man. I'm not a small human being.
[00:01:27] Speaker D: You're a baritone?
[00:01:29] Speaker A: Yes, I'm a baritone. But no, like, it was the first time I had to really kind of realize that, oh, you're perceived in a different way based on the size that you are, based on how you comport yourself. And there are certain things that when you are viewed, certain ways that you have to, like, be aware of. Yeah, Mandarin makes me think kind of like, of that journey of being like, oh, like, people perceive you and you do have to be wary of that kind of thing.
[00:01:53] Speaker C: That's, like, interesting because, I mean, obviously growing up, I mean, it's different for me because growing up as a woman, it was very like, people perceive you in a different way. Like, starting from probably. I mean, like, when I went through puberty, there was. My parents were very, like, monitored how I dressed very closely.
And my parents were, you know, like, more protective than they needed to be. But we would, like, get emails about dress codes from, like, choir or school. And my dad would be like, I don't know. When he would ask my mom, like, we got this email, do you think what she's wearing is appropriate? My mom was like, yeah, it's fine. But like, also the fad was like, to tie your shirt back as a kid, like, use a hair tie and tie your shirt back. And I was not allowed to do that. What I did engineer, because I still wanted my T shirts to look tight. So what I did engineer was I got two safety pins and I would fold my shirt over on one side and I would safety pin the fold and I would safety pin the edge so that it still had the look that I wanted without, like showing any skin, which my parents didn't like.
[00:02:57] Speaker D: You added a pleat to your T shirts?
[00:03:00] Speaker C: Yes, I pleated my T shirts so that I could wear them, but that left holes on all my shirts. But I didn't care. I just wanted the aesthetic so bad.
[00:03:09] Speaker B: We see ourselves in a fair old English town. A gentle giant discovering his height. I a strident young lady wishing the fashions of the day upon herself but finding her family's disapproval.
[00:03:30] Speaker D: A nerd who can't abide the lesser minds he's forced to show fealty to.
And a Visigoth who finds herself misunderstood by all those around, not slightly simply for the language barrier, but for her bizarre fashion choices.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Ay, she be limped in with Goths and other Gallic peoples. Far too often she be a Visigoth. It is its own thing. It's different than Goth. Okay, stop calling it Goth. The Gothics and the Visigothics are different.
[00:04:10] Speaker A: Within this humble prologue, this narrator does profess. I needs must crave more explanation from my previous thought pattern. Pray tell myself, what is the Visigoth?
[00:04:21] Speaker B: Ah, the Visigoths. The fiercest of the tribes that fought Rome for years. Many The Visigoths, the Goths, the Vandals. All groups. All groups from the northern regions of Europe, central western Ish, largely Gaul and sundry invading Rome. This one finding herself in England, within England.
[00:04:49] Speaker A: This Visigoth, this gentle giant, this nerd with burning passion and this woman non conforming to the towns have found themselves within a morning time gathering. One could call it a breakfast club, wherein they needs must discover for themselves their uniqueness, their similarities.
[00:05:11] Speaker C: They find themselves in a library in England, surrounded by books. These four young teens must figure out themselves, each other and their uniqueness together. Although they may be but an unlikely group, they may find that they have more in common than they do.
[00:05:30] Speaker B: But think the fist of the authorities shall be thrust down upon them and they shall fall, their hopes shall fall like a bolt from event.
We shall see in this play. Shall they come together or shall they be Crushed by the authority of old England.
[00:05:52] Speaker C: Yeah, so that's kind of how trigonometry works.
It'd be starting with the X axis and moving towards the Y.
In eventuality, I pray thee to understand that a Z axis will would take two dimensional figures, but turn them into three dimensional figures. And I figure that since we are all gathered here, I might as well help you with your homework.
[00:06:19] Speaker D: This is my favorite tea.
I've shared it with you all here in hopes that we could make this a proper breakfast club, not just a study club. But by gathering here our unique qualities, including my restrained yet elegant fashion, we might become more noble. All four of us.
[00:06:42] Speaker C: Regina, you do but make this a very positive experience. I must say, although we are here forcibly and not by choice, I do appreciate your optimism very much.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: I.
But such tea be so civilized, be so English, almost Roman.
Long I for an ale and mutton as I do carry in my box.
[00:07:06] Speaker D: Ay, Veronica, your fashion be so strange. Dressed both for battle but also sneaking around in the night. All these black leather and clasps.
[00:07:18] Speaker B: Ay, the clasps do jingle and scare dogs away, for then we shall raid the campments of the Romans.
[00:07:27] Speaker A: I pray thee, wherein thou needs must scare the dogs.
The dogs hast done no harm to thee, Veronica.
[00:07:38] Speaker B: Ay, dogs love I, but these dogs be trained to bite. Visigoths, Goths they let through Vandals they let through Visigoths. Only they trained to bite. So by scaring them, I may not attack them.
[00:07:55] Speaker C: I.
Veronica, if thou wouldst like to borrow a pen from my pocket, protected pocket so as thou could line thine eyes.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: Ay, my pockets lack protection. Ah, so little protection on the plains of Gaul. Ay, a pen I shall take. My eyes I shall line for lined eyes be the most fearful sight of a Roman.
[00:08:19] Speaker D: And ben you'll notice I gave you an extra large cup with an extra large handle.
[00:08:25] Speaker A: I thank thee, Regina. Is't might kind for thee to think of me in such a way?
I do desire the refinement of a good tea party here in the English hills. See how and where I may raise thy large but small for me cup with a pinky raised.
Alas, were it I am too large. Were I not more akin to the Visigoths, I could stomp and pray. But my heart doth not follow within the fields of battle.
[00:09:00] Speaker C: Ay, Ben, but the answer doth lie in geometry. So that you may not break' st your cup, instead of holding by the handle, do take but a napkin and hold by the bottom, so that there be no force.
[00:09:14] Speaker A: Good Patroclus.
I appreciate thee.
[00:09:17] Speaker C: Oh, why, thank thee.
[00:09:20] Speaker B: Oi.
It be me, the principal magistrate of this library.
[00:09:30] Speaker C: Hello, Principal Magistrate.
[00:09:32] Speaker B: Yes. I be Principal Magistrate. The principal magistrate of this library.
I.
I put you in this room for punishment for sins against the library.
[00:09:49] Speaker C: Yes, Principal Magistrate.
I'm sorry again for checking out books and trying to help these three with their homework, using the books that I checked out. That should have been for just my own use.
[00:10:01] Speaker B: Oi. Nothing makes me more angry than passing off another's effort as one's own.
I remember once a man came in here and said, look, I have tidied and dusted every book. Look at me. Look at me. He was married the next day to my lover.
[00:10:26] Speaker C: I'm sorry, Principal Magistrate. That sounds very hard for you. Yes.
[00:10:30] Speaker B: Who really dusted the books?
[00:10:33] Speaker A: Who?
[00:10:33] Speaker D: Who?
[00:10:34] Speaker B: Any guesses? Guesses?
[00:10:37] Speaker C: It was probably you, Principal Magistrate.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: Any other guesses?
[00:10:40] Speaker D: Wait. Did you force him to marry your lover as a punishment for cleaning when you didn't want it?
[00:10:46] Speaker B: What?
[00:10:47] Speaker D: You sounded upset that he claimed to clean, but he wasn't the one who cleaned.
[00:10:52] Speaker B: No. It impressed my lover so that she left me for him.
[00:10:56] Speaker A: I pray thee, Principal Magistrate, what has this to do with our punishment today?
[00:11:00] Speaker C: I.
[00:11:02] Speaker B: Each one of you misrepresented yourself in some way.
You misrepresenting to do their work.
You misrepresenting as a gentle boy attempting to play chess instead of the man's manly game of polo where you sit not on a horse, for you be as tall as a man on a horse, but play on foot with the men on horses.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: I prithee, Principal Magistrate, I crave the board.
Ah.
[00:11:35] Speaker B: Liar. Liar cannot be in your nature. And you, you fair fashionista, I see your shirt not tied. I see your shirt pinned.
Pinned is a lie.
Pinned is a lie upon fashion. And fashion be what attracts lovers.
And my lover left me, for I had not fashion in my bones or upon my limb.
[00:12:04] Speaker D: And you didn't clean fast enough, or something.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: Okay, I shall say it one more time. Cleaning, did I? Another man came in claiming the cleaning was his.
My lover was impressed with him, not me. But I cleaned the whole library for her. And I even spelled. I kept an outline of dust that said, I heart you, Matilda, which he claimed was his own.
And so she thought he hearted Matilda, but I hearted Matilda.
[00:12:35] Speaker D: What did Veronica do?
[00:12:37] Speaker A: I pray thee, I echo Regina's sentiment. What has Veronica done to earn thy ire?
[00:12:42] Speaker B: Veronica the Visigoth.
[00:12:44] Speaker A: Aye, Veronica the Visigoth.
[00:12:46] Speaker B: Ay, she doth jingle and scare my dog for My dog doth think it was another dog. She misrepresented herself to my dog. Dog and dogs be man's best friend. And when man have no lover, man need a best friend.
[00:13:08] Speaker D: Your dog, Norman. The Visigoths upset Normans.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: Yes. Norman was whimpering all night.
Norman had to sleep in my bed.
And Norman be a wiggly boy at night.
Love, Norman do I. Were he a calmer boy, I would let him lie in my bed with me, me at the foot. Tis not a bad thing. But he wiggle. He wiggle and jiggle. He be a wiggily jiggly boy at night, calm during day, but a wiggly jiggly boy.
[00:13:40] Speaker A: I pray thee, Principal Magistrate, dost feel as if thou art taking thy lack of sleep and thy lack of love are out upon us, the fair students of this university.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: Oh, be that so. Be that so? Well, then, thou shalt think about it for one more more hour.
[00:13:57] Speaker D: Click.
[00:13:59] Speaker B: Tis right. Your time has increased from 2 hours, 58 minutes to 3 hours 58 minutes.
[00:14:05] Speaker C: Well, thank you, Principal Magistrate. We promise not to bother you again,
[00:14:09] Speaker B: and not a word shall be spoken. I shall return in an indeterminate amount of time, and I swear upon thee, if I shall sense malfeasance, all the shall be brought booted from the library for good.
[00:14:25] Speaker D: Yes, Principal Magistrate.
[00:14:27] Speaker B: I.
I shall be in my study, petting my good, good boy.
Cuckoo.
[00:14:38] Speaker C: The latch is closed. And it would take so much force to open it, even if we created a wedge, so we wouldn't be able to.
[00:14:48] Speaker D: A wedge? That's a simple machine, right?
[00:14:52] Speaker C: Yes, of course. Kind of like a teeter totter, only without the teeter and only the totter.
[00:14:57] Speaker B: Ah. We used those to attack the Romans. One stood on one end of the teeter totter, the other jumped on the other and fling like a catapult into their camps, we did, over their dogs.
[00:15:11] Speaker D: And I've used simple machines before.
I used a lever to open a little sachet from France that contained the rarest teas. And then I brought them for all of you.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: Regina, thou art not a mean girl. Thou art incredibly sweet and well thoughtful.
[00:15:30] Speaker B: Thou art a goody. Two shoes. Look at your two shoes. But half a sandal have I.
Veronica.
[00:15:39] Speaker A: Thou needs not attack Regina. Regina's brought us tea.
[00:15:44] Speaker B: And you, you breaking her mug, forgetting how big you are. You English look down upon us.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: I'm tall. That's not my fault.
[00:15:57] Speaker B: Well, I swear it. I could be locked in this room with you for 400 years and not a friendship. Should I swear 100%? I shall not change my opinion and grow to love any of thee.
[00:16:15] Speaker C: Okay, Be that as it may, then I shall not help you with your bath homework.
[00:16:22] Speaker A: No, please, Veronica. Thou canst not have it both ways. Thou needs must choose. You need to pick a lane. You need to pick a lane.
[00:16:32] Speaker B: I picket the lane of hating you, insulting you and. And having you do my homework.
[00:16:38] Speaker C: Friendship this is be naught but Elaine,
[00:16:40] Speaker D: as my friend the French regent says you can't have your cake and eat it too.
[00:16:45] Speaker B: Oh, don't get me started upon the French. I doth catapulted into their cakes and ate them all while their little French poodles went doo, doo, doo, doo.
[00:16:55] Speaker A: Veronica, where thou dost hate the French? We English are the same.
[00:16:59] Speaker D: We hate the French.
[00:17:00] Speaker C: Intrinsically, we hate the French as well.
[00:17:02] Speaker B: Impossible thou be so like the French.
[00:17:05] Speaker A: Hast thou heard of Agincourt? We hate the French.
[00:17:09] Speaker B: Agincourt.
[00:17:10] Speaker A: Agincourt. Wherein we lost one of our most famous kings.
[00:17:13] Speaker D: Yeah, we all learned about it.
[00:17:15] Speaker A: Ay, we hate. There's a lot of calumny and consternation. They should be ours by right. The fact that they have defected from the throne. I will not fight them. I am a gentle giant. I would like to reiterate this point.
I am a gentle giant. I will not fight the French with thee, but I will enjoy and take part in the hatred of the French.
[00:17:37] Speaker C: Ben, I must say, I do believe that you have been studying up on the history that I've been helping you with.
[00:17:45] Speaker A: Patroclus, thou art a good friend.
Thou art a worthy, intelligent teacher. Thou shouldst be the principal magistrate.
[00:17:56] Speaker C: The principal magistrate? Why, I that be easy for you to say. For you be the tallest in the room, even taller than the principal magistrate. But I be but the shortest. I be not only shorter than you, shorter than the principal magistrate, but shorter than even the principal magistrate's dog. Norman. I be but so short that no one would ever take me seriously as a figure of authority.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: Thou mayest be small in stature.
Thou mayest be soft spoken in word.
But wherein the wisdom of thy heart and the power of thy words, thou art truly a giant beyond me.
Thou art a titan of mathematics and trigonometry.
Thou art another historic. Thou art a God of the power of philosophy and rhetoric.
Thou needs must believe in thyself.
[00:18:50] Speaker D: You should be the magistrate.
[00:18:52] Speaker C: Why? But the only way that I could be the magistrate would be if the previous magistrate or the current magistrate dies. And the current magistrate is not going
[00:19:01] Speaker A: to die, not by mortal means. Or rather, not by.
[00:19:06] Speaker B: No, no, no, that one.
[00:19:08] Speaker D: That idea. Say more.
[00:19:09] Speaker A: By mortal means. Yes, well. Wherein? We have amongst us the power of multiple factions of the university.
The principal magistrate may not die by any one of our supposed efforts, but with thy wits, with Regina's power over fashion, with Veronica, the Visigoth's knowledge of war, and with my height, wherein combined, we are not one mortal, our life expectancy would exceed most mortals.
[00:19:39] Speaker C: Oh, but Ben, I pray thee. For to.
To go anywhere near the magistrate, if the magistrate were to die of mortal means would put you in harm's way. For everyone would assume that you are the aggressor because of your stature.
[00:19:52] Speaker A: Wherein. Patroclus, thou art the principal magistrate. Thou mayest shield me from the decisions of the faculty.
[00:19:59] Speaker C: Oh, why, yes, of course. For the final say would be mine.
[00:20:02] Speaker B: Far be it from me to not say, let's get dark, but canteth the magistrate resign?
[00:20:13] Speaker D: I think I'm having an idea.
An idea?
[00:20:20] Speaker C: Close enough that be we four could
[00:20:25] Speaker D: sneak through the fence. Though they be for air, they could also be for bodies in this moment.
[00:20:31] Speaker B: What?
[00:20:32] Speaker D: And we go to the room of shadow.
And we use simple machines to put petroclus on Ben's shoulders, achieving height. And me. I'll be the clothes, achieving a shield. And Veronica will be weapons.
And with these four powers combined, we could convince others at the university that we are the magistrate.
And then we do something so terrible, he is fired and sent away.
[00:21:08] Speaker B: To France.
To France.
Ah, finally you speaketh my language. I shall have a lane with three things now.
One, hating you, two, sending the magistrate to France, and three, you doing my home.
[00:21:29] Speaker C: I do but promise that by the end of this journey, you, Veronica, will but not hate me. Perhaps we could even be friends. To the vents.
[00:21:39] Speaker B: To the vents.
[00:21:40] Speaker D: Away starts the tech music like in an Ocean's eleven.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: Principal magistrate, thou hast a hatred for these children.
Thy face is scrunched, thy eyes. Wherein thou hast elucidated some of thy story to the children.
Where dost thou hate them so?
[00:22:08] Speaker B: They be but misrepresenters.
I just don't want that anymore.
I miss my wife.
I shall not tolerate.
[00:22:24] Speaker A: I pray thee, Principal magistrate, she never was my wife.
[00:22:27] Speaker B: She was just my love. I just did that.
[00:22:28] Speaker A: Yes, I was gonna say thou art misre. Thou art misrepresenting thyself.
That I. Don't do that in front of me. Thank you, sir. I pray thee.
Thou art.
Thou art. These are young minds.
They have the life. They have come to university, wherein to study, wherein to seek their arts, wherein to seek Their passions and follow the flow of their lives. Tis not misrepresentation when one believes a vocation ist of the arts and then discovers ist of politics or discovers ist of mathematics. Thou seek exploration. Thou seest exploration as some kind of falsity.
[00:23:13] Speaker D: We see. This is the dog talking to the magistrate.
[00:23:16] Speaker B: Norman, thou art my better half, I pray. I know, I know. Without you, no goodness would enter the cockles of my heart.
[00:23:25] Speaker A: Thou. Thou art my savior. Thou feed' st me and give' st me good pets and knows I am very wiggly.
[00:23:33] Speaker B: Norman, lonely be I, for you be my best friend, but not my companion.
[00:23:42] Speaker A: Ay, thou art, my lord, thou art my master. And whereas I am a dog, I may only speak to thee within thy mind. But methinks that thou hast, mayhaps in the craving of thy position and thy authority, thou hast lost sight where and there thou couldst create companionship amongst the students. Thou couldst be some form of figure for them. A figurehead. A figure of authority.
[00:24:10] Speaker B: A figure of authority.
Norman, what be in this for you?
[00:24:18] Speaker A: More pets?
More belly rubs?
[00:24:21] Speaker B: Oh, you know, when my face is scrunched, I cannot pet, for my muscles be too tensed to rub along the back of a dog.
[00:24:31] Speaker A: Look, I pray thee, consider the facts.
Thou needst must get over thy mistress that was not thy wife.
[00:24:39] Speaker B: Or was thy mistress Lover.
[00:24:41] Speaker A: Only lover? Thou didst not define the relationship, my lord. Thou didst not define the relationship, did
[00:24:48] Speaker B: not think necessary at the time. Going along, having good times were we,
[00:24:53] Speaker A: thou needs must have the conversation wherein
[00:24:56] Speaker B: we be dating exclusively. But not more didst thou define the relationship.
[00:25:02] Speaker A: Was she thy mistress and thy lover? Was she thy partner?
[00:25:05] Speaker B: I said lover. She said roommate.
[00:25:11] Speaker A: I pray thee, principal magistrate Telomus, thou hast lost much of the plot in this retelling to me. I pray thee, thou needst must redefine thy relationship, not with thy former roommate, who is no longer here, but with the children that are in thy care.
[00:25:27] Speaker B: Ay, for you and for the sake of old Matilda, I. I shall do good. I shall a new leaf turn, for nothing can tarnish my image. Now for a new leaf I have turned. And God forbid something should ruin my image in the meantime, before I hath turned time to repair it and restore it. God forbid someone should impersonate me and ruin any chance of hope. I shall have in this moment. Not suspect it do I, my master.
[00:26:02] Speaker A: It pleaseth my heart to hear thee say thus. I do crave that the lack of tension thou mayest rub my belly, that really. Oh. Oh, thou really Needs must forget about Matilda, though. That's not gonna fly. That's not gonna fly.
[00:26:21] Speaker B: Come, Norman. To the library. Go we. And we shall find them sitting in the spot where they were, for they be too afraid not to away.
[00:26:35] Speaker D: We cut to the shop room, and there's Elizabethan steampunk technology.
Everything's made of wood, but it's on like arms. And like there's power tool sounds, but also like cuckoo clocks and clockwork everywhere.
[00:26:51] Speaker B: Welcome to the shop.
[00:26:55] Speaker D: An automaton.
[00:26:56] Speaker B: Hello. I welcome you to the shop.
[00:27:00] Speaker C: Thank you very much, Automaton. We are very happy to be here.
[00:27:05] Speaker B: Welcome to the shop.
[00:27:07] Speaker C: You already said that. Automaton. You repeated yourself.
[00:27:10] Speaker B: Press button B.
[00:27:12] Speaker D: It's like it can only steal the words that it learned from several other authors before it.
[00:27:20] Speaker B: Steal words only from authors prior.
[00:27:23] Speaker C: That would be. But plagiarism, lest they be in a
[00:27:26] Speaker A: different order, is some form of artificial intelligence. Methinks the prompts wherein may guide how it responds to us,
[00:27:36] Speaker B: respond to us.
[00:27:38] Speaker C: Oh, this might be but good. For if we had an actual human working here, we would have to trust them as a confidant. But we can use this artificial intelligence to our advantage. For this intelligence, be it artificial, means that our secrets shall not be repeated. Automaton do not reveal our secrets.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: Secrets not reveal Secrets I love.
[00:28:03] Speaker C: Oh, good. Automaton, please bring us an outfit so that we may dress as the magistrate.
[00:28:12] Speaker B: Dress as the magistrate?
[00:28:14] Speaker A: He thinks when we're wearing this kind of outfit, we may be a Gemini twin of this here principal magistrate.
[00:28:21] Speaker C: Methinks that would be perfect outfit and
[00:28:25] Speaker B: wood for building you, Claude.
[00:28:29] Speaker D: These clothes are terrible.
Listen up, other three people. I shall be our clothes. And you see, Regina does like a Sailor Moon transformation and becomes a large cloak like the magistrate was wearing, with a face pressing out the back that
[00:28:48] Speaker C: bebop on so impressive.
[00:28:50] Speaker A: What?
[00:28:51] Speaker B: What? Such wizardry I hath not seen.
[00:28:55] Speaker D: This be the power over clothes that I have. Yet my talents here are wasted being in this astrophysics program.
[00:29:04] Speaker A: Well, thou needs not follow.
Dost thou crave the power of clothes?
[00:29:08] Speaker D: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Direct your voice to the back of the cloak where my face is.
[00:29:13] Speaker A: Oh, dost thou? My apologies. I shall approach. Dost thou not seek just clothing thou needs not? University is somewhat of a choice.
[00:29:24] Speaker D: Aye, but being the third eldest daughter, what else choice was there for me?
[00:29:30] Speaker A: Thou couldst be a seamstress.
[00:29:33] Speaker D: No, that's for the fourth eldest daughter.
[00:29:36] Speaker B: Ah, English with your customs all the time. But so beautiful you be. I though I Be but a Visigoth dressed in Visiblack.
Ask I not to make me a robe, but to make over me a makeover sequence.
[00:30:00] Speaker C: Why, that would be such fun. And, Regina, you would do such an excellent work.
[00:30:06] Speaker D: I'll transform into a whole set of makeup tools. And a wig and a skirt.
Oh, by the time we're done here, we'll be best of friends. I do declare.
[00:30:20] Speaker B: Aye. A fourth thing added to my lane. Being dressed by you in addition to you doing my homework.
Me hating all of you.
And hating the French. Us hating the French.
[00:30:36] Speaker D: And now a makeover.
Second montage.
[00:30:41] Speaker B: Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my eyes shining now.
[00:30:46] Speaker D: You look just like that woman who used to always visit the school. Matilda.
[00:30:52] Speaker C: You. You do look like a younger version of Matilda.
[00:30:55] Speaker B: The most beautiful woman in England.
[00:30:57] Speaker C: Why, yes, of course. You may be a Visigoth, but you appear to be the most beautiful woman in all of England.
[00:31:05] Speaker B: Oh, my.
A change of plans, I propose.
I shall distract with the visage of Matilda, calling him down the halls, but never letting him find me.
[00:31:17] Speaker D: You'll be a visage Goth.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: I shall be a visage Goth.
But still not your friend. Still not your friend. For though warmness warms my heart, I shalt not, though your look doth give me courtesy.
[00:31:36] Speaker A: Thou talk some warmth within thy heart.
[00:31:39] Speaker B: Nope. Hate you still. Shall I? I is still in my lane. Love lane is four lanes over and traffic be too thick for me to cross.
[00:31:50] Speaker A: We have four things in the lane. Know how many lanes get to the love lane? Four lanes.
[00:31:55] Speaker D: That's what everyone says. That common English saying.
[00:31:59] Speaker A: For her lanes to the love lane.
[00:32:02] Speaker D: Quickly, Patroclus, climb up on Ben's shoulders. I'll wrap around you. Veronica, guised as Matilda, her visage Goth shall distract the magistrate and. Oh, we still need to come up with something embarrassing to do.
[00:32:21] Speaker A: Proclaim our love for the students is something the man would never do. He has no warmth in his heart.
[00:32:29] Speaker C: Why, yes, of course. He only loves Matilda. He doesn't love his college students. He doesn't think that they're wonderful.
[00:32:37] Speaker A: He thinks we are misrepresenters and we are merely finding ourselves. We are fellow travelers on the path.
[00:32:43] Speaker C: Yes, of course.
[00:32:44] Speaker B: So him loving the students would mean the student.
He would be embarrassed. So he would resign.
Because if students think his love be for them, why make him leave?
It seems backwards with regards to students. If we wish students to wish him to leave, if he should love them,
[00:33:08] Speaker A: There is a third method we could discuss. We're in a workshop, and Veronica, thou hast much experience within the power of planes and simple machines in order to launch something across a way.
[00:33:21] Speaker B: Aye, aye. More plans have we now?
[00:33:25] Speaker A: No, no, no, you're right, we should.
[00:33:26] Speaker B: No more plans. No more plans, please.
[00:33:29] Speaker A: I say we use a catapult.
[00:33:31] Speaker B: Shall we combine plans 2 and 3 in an AS yet unnamed fashion? Shall discover such ways and settle it.
[00:33:40] Speaker C: Why? Actually the catapult might not be the worst idea. Well, for we could catapult the magistrate straight to France.
[00:33:47] Speaker B: Okay, so plan two be gone now plan three be in. And a catapult be so fucking large as to launch a man to France without killing him. A yet further plan from the past. We said not for being catapulted to France surely be lethal. For the distance be really, really long.
Yes. Let's go to plan three.
Zero. Oh, what happy day for me.
[00:34:19] Speaker A: Veronica, we are seeking our path along this.
Thou needs not think we're misrepresenting our ideas. They merely evolve as time goes on.
[00:34:28] Speaker B: They evolve and add onto each other into such a mess that Mr. Non Violence wishes to fling a man to prance to.
[00:34:37] Speaker A: I wish to fling him away from the universe safely.
[00:34:40] Speaker B: Safely to France. A distance of hundreds of miles from this spot.
[00:34:45] Speaker D: Cake.
[00:34:47] Speaker A: It's France.
[00:34:49] Speaker D: They have cake there.
[00:34:51] Speaker C: Ah yes. Didn't you but say that you yourself catapulted to France and landed on a cake,
[00:35:02] Speaker B: Was in France and catapulted within France?
[00:35:06] Speaker D: There's no way to know I landed
[00:35:09] Speaker B: on cakes, did I? While catapulting over dogs. But from England was not the distance.
[00:35:15] Speaker C: But I pray tell thee, Veronica, the cake could be very, very large. If the circumference of the cake be but 30 centimeters and the diameter of the cake be but 10ft, then the cushion would be soft enough that it would slow the rate of of speed at which the magistrate would enter the cake.
[00:35:39] Speaker B: 30 centimeters. 30 centimeters of cushion.
[00:35:43] Speaker D: Veronica. Veronica, be aware of thou's attributes.
Patroclus is the smart one. You are the warrior. Do not question his math skills.
[00:35:54] Speaker B: We know not where such a cake exists, if it does at all. How ensure we that the magistrate shall fall on this cake.
[00:36:02] Speaker D: And there's a screen wipe to to France.
[00:36:07] Speaker A: Ah yes. I'm the finest bacon France in Agincourt. This cake will be 21cm high.
[00:36:18] Speaker B: Excuse me? 9 Be nuff be my favorite number.
I wish to add nuff to the 21cm.
[00:36:29] Speaker C: I do believe that we should make the circumference of the cake 30 centimeters. Adding 9 to the original 21. And then perhaps make the cake as big as possible. Perhaps make it 10ft high.
[00:36:41] Speaker A: It's a beautiful cake. I love a good cake.
[00:36:44] Speaker D: And then we shall send out letters to all the countries around bragging about the exact dimensions of our cake. We shall send out messenger pigeons to inform all the people in the universe. To the university students to let them know about this grand cake that they cannot eat. For. As revenge for fighting an Agincourt.
[00:37:11] Speaker C: Yes, of course. I am so glad to be stuck in the library with you.
[00:37:15] Speaker D: Yay.
[00:37:16] Speaker B: And the cake shall be placed outside the library for all to see for it. If it be inside the library, no one shall see. And my friend, the latitude and longitude we shall encourage include. For they shall know. It shall be in France, of course.
[00:37:32] Speaker C: And it be so annoying that we do not have a magistrate. A magistrate we really do need. Perhaps we should include in the letters that we have been able to govern ourselves all along.
[00:37:43] Speaker A: We need an authority figure.
[00:37:46] Speaker D: The French are famous for desiring further authority figures.
[00:37:51] Speaker B: I. Oh, we wish. We wish a good, strong authority figure to follow.
[00:37:57] Speaker D: But not Zephope.
[00:37:58] Speaker B: No, not Zephop.
Maybe a short man with a fancy hat and white horse. I don't know.
[00:38:05] Speaker C: We.
[00:38:06] Speaker D: We screen, wipe back to England.
[00:38:08] Speaker A: Wait, Veronica, wherein thou hast many an argument against Plan C.
Hold one moment.
A bird at the window.
[00:38:17] Speaker C: Oh, a carrier pigeon. Those usually carry messages. They were very reliable during several wars of which you should know.
[00:38:25] Speaker A: Patrocal is for you.
[00:38:27] Speaker C: Oh, my goodness.
There's a cake that has been made in France.
The cake is 30 centimeters in circumference.
[00:38:36] Speaker B: No.
[00:38:36] Speaker C: And the cake is 10ft high.
[00:38:38] Speaker B: No.
[00:38:39] Speaker C: And also in France they are bragging that they do not have a magistrate at this library. And the exact.
Veronica, we certainly must build a catapult. And we must catapult the magistrate to them. And with the magistrate gone, that magistrate could safely land and then be the magistrate of the French school. And then I, short as I be, could be the magistrate of this school.
[00:39:06] Speaker D: Veronica, though we be friends now, I do must say, in your fucking face. In your fucking face, bitch.
[00:39:14] Speaker A: Veronica, this is Regina's lane. You gotta let her have it. You gotta let Regina have it.
[00:39:20] Speaker D: You say I be a mean girl and maybe this new power within me beyond controlling clothes, agrees with me. But in your fucking face, friends not be us.
[00:39:33] Speaker B: A fifth thing adds to my list. I do and it be wishing in it's to be in your fucking face one day as it is in my fucking face now.
[00:39:48] Speaker D: Dear Momsy and Popsy and Popsicle.
[00:39:51] Speaker B: My dear Visigoth, there hath be some confusion over trebuchets.
[00:39:59] Speaker D: In England.
[00:40:02] Speaker C: But of course I'll care for the group.
[00:40:05] Speaker B: And of course I shall catapult above it, for I know that's how you'd want me to respond.
[00:40:14] Speaker A: I
[00:40:16] Speaker B: there be summit confusion, for you see, my library mate is annoying and exceedingly a robe.
[00:40:29] Speaker D: Goth.
[00:40:34] Speaker A: Principal magistrate, my master.
What wilt thou do? These students are not in the library wherein thou hast left them. Thy face do scrunch, thy looks do look askance.
[00:40:50] Speaker B: Hate this I do. For I was ready to love them and now they begone.
[00:40:58] Speaker A: Thou needs my.
[00:41:00] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:41:00] Speaker A: Oh, I smell something.
There.
Look for my snout. Towards the wood shop.
[00:41:11] Speaker B: Oh, the visage of Matilda.
[00:41:15] Speaker A: Look, man, I pray you.
[00:41:20] Speaker B: Ooh, wowee, wowee, wowee.
[00:41:22] Speaker A: Dost thou not see attached to the visage of Matilda a string attached to a box?
[00:41:27] Speaker D: A box.
[00:41:28] Speaker B: Oh, a box.
We once had a box full of apples.
O we two lovers, undefined.
[00:41:39] Speaker A: Roommates, my master. She was thy roommate.
If thou seek' st resolution, I pray thee, go and see what lies within the box. But afterwards, do not come swimming to me. If thou needs must discover for thyself
[00:41:54] Speaker B: almost kissed did we anyway. Follow the box do I. The box groweth further. The box groweth further and further the box. Go out the door of this here university.
[00:42:05] Speaker C: Keep pulling the box. Keep pulling the box. Ben, with your strength.
[00:42:09] Speaker A: Don't worry.
[00:42:10] Speaker B: Matilda. Matilda. It be I your once something. Matilda. Leave me. Not now. Matilda. Matilda. Matilda. Matilda. I see you. Why run from me?
[00:42:23] Speaker A: Master, she's climbing into a bowl. I pray thee. I know she's looking like Matilda. She's crawling over the bowl. Do not follow her.
[00:42:31] Speaker B: Ah, a bowl. A circle. Things come full circle now. Must be the sign. And, ah, the box be on a plank. A plank. Ah, the plank. The sturdiest of things. Wood, hard and sturdy, like love that endures.
[00:42:46] Speaker A: I pray thee, master, do not continue thy metaphor.
[00:42:49] Speaker D: And now an exact replicate of the magistrate rises up of Voltron, of Ben and Petroclus and Regina.
And he's so shocked by something that looks just like him that he trips.
[00:43:06] Speaker B: Whoa.
Ah, the groundeth beeth greased.
Pull the lever. Pull the lever now.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Dieth shall I. For I be thousands of feet in the air and flying for, oh, many minutes. Many minutes turned to hours. Ah, the channel of England. My favorite place. Ah, where Matilda lies. Oh, no. Know what shall become of me flying hours and hours more? For I be at a speed of perhaps 50 miles per hour, and France be at least 500 miles away, so perhaps 10 hours of flight it shall require for me to reach it.
[00:44:03] Speaker C: Our cake is the best cake.
[00:44:05] Speaker A: It is beautiful. I appreciate it.
[00:44:08] Speaker C: I appreciate it very much. I love it so much. I feel it is a magistrate bait, if you will. I feel like it is only a short amount of time.
[00:44:18] Speaker B: Come, let us stand close to the cake. So that. I don't know, Perhaps we shall imbibe its scent ever the more.
Ah, so glad am I that we French all be friends already and require no character development.
[00:44:35] Speaker C: What is that coming in the sky?
That be but someone very, very dense in space.
[00:44:43] Speaker A: The robes are very fancy.
It's possible.
[00:44:47] Speaker C: If it were a magistrate sent from a worthy school, Then they would land exactly in the cave.
[00:44:58] Speaker B: We be cavalcake. But we have a new magistrate. Look at that vase.
Where am I?
[00:45:09] Speaker A: Thou art in France.
[00:45:11] Speaker B: France. France. I hate France.
[00:45:15] Speaker A: So. Has already recovered from the French.
[00:45:18] Speaker B: What?
[00:45:18] Speaker A: Thou has already recovered from the French of it. The face.
[00:45:21] Speaker B: What?
[00:45:23] Speaker D: Your face. Though when you were flying through the air, it was all scrunched. But now, now that you have landed in our big cake, the tension, it flows away.
[00:45:33] Speaker C: There is no tension in your face.
[00:45:36] Speaker B: This cake. This cake has qualities that loosen my skin.
[00:45:43] Speaker D: Ah.
[00:45:44] Speaker A: And.
[00:45:44] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:45:46] Speaker D: Hello.
[00:45:47] Speaker B: Hello to you all.
[00:45:50] Speaker A: Bonjour.
[00:45:51] Speaker C: Bonjour.
[00:45:51] Speaker D: Bonjour.
[00:45:53] Speaker B: Oh, my.
Such kind students.
I bet none of the ever misrepresents a thing.
No, no.
[00:46:03] Speaker A: We bake cakes.
[00:46:05] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:46:06] Speaker D: Oh.
[00:46:07] Speaker B: So happy be I. If only my dog.
[00:46:14] Speaker C: There is enough leftover cake for the dog to land. Saf,
[00:46:21] Speaker A: my master, I could not leave you alone.
[00:46:23] Speaker B: Norman.
Norman. A new man be I now.
[00:46:27] Speaker A: Thou hast found the same spark I sought, and thou hast not mentioned that most dreaded name wherein I fear to listen.
[00:46:34] Speaker B: I know I shall not represent that name anymore.
[00:46:41] Speaker A: Thou needs must be true to thyself, Become a teacher to these fine French students.
[00:46:47] Speaker B: Ahaha.
[00:46:48] Speaker A: See?
[00:46:49] Speaker B: Ahaha. Ahaha.
Ahaha. Ahaha.
I'm laughing again. I'm laughing again.
I shall define to you our relationship, I hope.
[00:47:09] Speaker D: Here says magistrate and students.
[00:47:12] Speaker B: Magistrate and students.
[00:47:15] Speaker D: Yay.
[00:47:18] Speaker C: It would have been cruel not to send the dog too. So we had to also send Norman.
[00:47:23] Speaker A: That was a great idea.
[00:47:25] Speaker C: And with the magistrate gone, I do believe that I am now the magistrate.
[00:47:30] Speaker A: Thou hast charted thy own course and claimed thy own destiny.
[00:47:34] Speaker C: Why me? The smallest, the meekest of all of us has become the teacher.
[00:47:40] Speaker B: Congratulations, all of you.
Thou art the most honorable students in England.
Too bad be it that I now must return on this catapult.
[00:47:55] Speaker D: No.
[00:47:55] Speaker B: To the lands of Ghats, for never your friend could I be put down.
[00:48:01] Speaker D: All Your clasps, fair Veronica. And clasp this our hands together.
[00:48:08] Speaker C: Yes, hold each of our hands and accept that all of us are friends.
Let's walk away from this literally together as a new group of unlikely friends.
[00:48:24] Speaker B: Amazed be I clasped to your hands. Your hands be the metal chains that once hung from my garments. Thou hands be the toughened leather that once adorned my breast.
Thou hands be the shadow under my eyes, for it helped me see though the light of our friendship be so bright. Who'd have thought me toppling over four lanes to love and being friends with a friendly giant. I, a nerd turned magistrate. Ay, and a shapeshifter who currently takes the form of robes.
[00:49:10] Speaker A: Ay. Thou mayest be no longer just a Visigoth, but a Visigoth, taking the time to be what thou mayest amongst friends.
[00:49:21] Speaker D: A Visigoth.
[00:49:23] Speaker A: A Visigoth.
[00:49:25] Speaker B: Ivizagoth hath received to remain in England forever. I can.
[00:49:30] Speaker D: Huzzah.
[00:49:31] Speaker B: Huzzah.
Don't you forget about me.
[00:49:36] Speaker D: That's our show.
You just heard PJ Nally who was our co producer and played Principal Magistrate Veronica the Visigoth, the automaton and a French student. Ross Neil who played Ben Norman the dog and a French student. Marie Annalee who played Patroclus and a French student. And Drew Robinson who is a co producer and sound designer and played Regina and a French student. If you liked this, check us out on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube as alasimprov. We don't have any posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready when we do. If you want to get in touch, email
[email protected] Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare is a hell yeah production.
