[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: This episode containeth herein. Joanna Bornes, Ross Neal, Maria Nalley, P.J. nally and Drew Robinson.
[00:00:20] Speaker C: My grandfather, my father's father, started as a janitor at the bank, fought in World War II, eventually came back after a few years, continued to work for the bank and ended as the president of the bank.
[00:00:36] Speaker D: His life was a big old bank drama.
[00:00:39] Speaker C: Dale Schrader's life was a big old bank drama.
[00:00:43] Speaker E: Wow.
[00:00:43] Speaker C: I have one memory of him. He was sitting in his chair, and my dad just goes.
I was, like, looking at him. My dad just goes, hey, dad, take your teeth out.
Because he was wearing dentures. And so he took his teeth out. And I went, whoa.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: My grandmother's tonsils grew back twice.
That's almost teeth.
[00:01:09] Speaker D: Yeah, almost.
[00:01:10] Speaker E: You know what? I'm spending this right back on you, Joanna. What's your tooth story?
[00:01:15] Speaker D: Oh, where to begin, where to begin?
[00:01:18] Speaker B: How many you got?
[00:01:20] Speaker D: I mean, first of all, I don't know. The dentist said that, like, I got a small mouth, so, like, it's hard for them to all fit in there, the teeth. But, I mean, if we're talking about grandparents, I remember my great grandparents.
I would. They had, like, one bathroom in their house, and I would go in there, and there'd be, like, a little cup with, like, the dentures soaking in there. And seeing that as a child, you're just like, damn, that's crazy. There's tooth teeth in that glass. Not really understanding, but also not wanting to ask about the teeth in the bathroom.
Is that enough for his.
[00:01:53] Speaker C: Never ask about the teeth in the bathroom?
[00:01:55] Speaker D: No, I didn't want to ask about the teeth in the bathroom. It was uncomfortable. I was just like, whoa. Okay. That's something that can happen to you when you get older.
[00:02:03] Speaker A: There's your teeth in the bathroom.
[00:02:04] Speaker D: There's teeth and a little glass in the bathroom.
[00:02:06] Speaker C: The bathroom B but dark, the bathroom B but silent the bathroom be.
But still for it be midnight.
The only movement comes from the bubbling that be in the glass.
For in the glass, in the bathroom, in the dark, in the still in the midnight are the teeth, the teeth, the teeth, the teeth, the teeth, the
[00:02:40] Speaker E: teeth in jar do lie the teeth in substance dark like formaldehyde.
The teeth sitting, cleaning themselves minute by minute. The teeth fearful and giveth and giveth chomp to the elders.
[00:03:06] Speaker B: Some say they will rot from the last bones of an evil God save. Some say the spoils of a war long forgot.
But no child, no family member that hath gone through this ablution based hall will ever forget. The teeth's effect.
[00:03:28] Speaker E: The teeth.
[00:03:29] Speaker C: The teeth effect.
[00:03:32] Speaker A: Betwixt the hours of waking and dreaming the teeth remain inside there steeping.
[00:03:42] Speaker D: And in this kingdom there was an heir, a daughter, a princess with teeth so fair.
And though her mouth with perfect teeth did carry. The gentlemen of the kingdom all wished to marry her for her teeth.
[00:04:01] Speaker C: Teeth. The teeth.
[00:04:03] Speaker A: The princess sought the story of her tale. The teeth.
Perhaps her hands for sale.
The man who mayst proclaim the story for her liking May in time take her hand.
And there a happy tiding.
[00:04:21] Speaker E: A happy tiding, though you know it to soothe.
A happy tiding indeed. In tooth.
[00:04:30] Speaker C: Teeth. Good teeth. Her teeth.
[00:04:36] Speaker E: My princess.
My princess. 12 more letters come. 12 more letters from 12 more suitors. For they wish to see the teeth of such beauties.
[00:04:50] Speaker D: Surely the men would love me for something other than just my teeth.
[00:04:55] Speaker E: Ah, men, you know, vain creatures they be.
[00:05:00] Speaker D: They only care about one teeth.
[00:05:04] Speaker E: Aye, indeed. For all other qualities go south. When they look upon the pearly whites of the mouth.
[00:05:11] Speaker D: Ugh.
Sometimes I look off at the dawn and I think, maybe I shouldn't have such beautiful teeth. Maybe my teeth should be replaced with the horrendous, disgusting teeth that everyone speaks, speaks about in hushed whispers. You know, the teeth. The scary ones.
[00:05:32] Speaker E: Ay, the scary teeth.
[00:05:34] Speaker C: The teeth.
[00:05:35] Speaker E: The scary teeth from the bathroom around which this palace was built. The only remaining piece of the previous palace.
[00:05:43] Speaker D: Ugh. If only I had those nasty teeth. Then I would know who truly loves me for me.
[00:05:48] Speaker E: Oh, Gertruda. I shall procure for you anything you need. For I be your greatest servant.
[00:05:56] Speaker D: Bartholomew. It is so dangerous to try and seek the teeth.
[00:06:01] Speaker E: Ay, but was it not prophesied that a friend of the princess would seek the teeth? Perhaps live, perhaps die.
But do no more than try.
[00:06:13] Speaker D: It is indeed the horrible, horrible prophecy.
[00:06:17] Speaker E: But duty it be to me, duty to you. For day and night I wish you to be seen more than as teeth of white.
[00:06:26] Speaker D: You are so brave. Been so true and so like. You don't have your own thing going on.
[00:06:34] Speaker E: Indeed no personality developed have I for would distract from all that is good in you.
Why? Why should I be in a room with thee and be noticed by others when thou art the princess?
[00:06:47] Speaker D: Tis true. No one noticed anything except my teeth.
[00:06:52] Speaker E: Indeed? Why, I once was a champion weaver, but only in my room, for that is where I kept my loom. And then someone caught me weaving and I gave it up for good. So that I may be only as under thee. Understood?
[00:07:09] Speaker D: Oh, I feel great Shame I knowest not of thy weaving.
[00:07:13] Speaker E: Tapestries abound enough to save the kingdom, for they were strong and bound with fabric swords could not break. But a kingdom sacrifice shall I. For there must be on you all eyes.
[00:07:28] Speaker C: Ah.
[00:07:29] Speaker D: Tis true.
You must make this horrible sacrifice. And I will be forever grateful.
[00:07:36] Speaker E: To the darkest depths of bathroom shall I? So that thou shalt have an opportunity to be seen for who you are. For thou hast developed many interests, for thou art allowed. Thou art an archer, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker.
[00:07:54] Speaker D: Tis true. My interests are many. Please, dear servant, will you say my name again?
[00:08:00] Speaker E: Gertruda. Gertruda. Gertruda. Gertruda.
[00:08:05] Speaker D: Thank you. It sounds so beautiful from thy mouth.
[00:08:08] Speaker E: For only when I say it, it lifts the angel's wings. For angel's wings otherwise do not lift.
[00:08:16] Speaker D: Only your voice speaking my name can lift the angel's wings.
[00:08:21] Speaker E: But tell no one of this, for is close to me having a thing of my own. If I have a special ability with the angels, a secret this must be between us.
[00:08:31] Speaker D: I shall tell no one.
[00:08:33] Speaker E: No one tell, and no one yell. And no one even say that I can spell. Let them think me a dead dummy. Let them think me ignorant. For thou hast the teeth of the whitest pigment. And I shall solve it. And I shall go to the bathroom.
[00:08:53] Speaker D: Deep, deep down, Please go to the cursed bathroom and find those wretched teeth.
[00:08:59] Speaker E: And I shall. And thou shalt be looked on as more than but a choice piece of beef.
[00:09:05] Speaker C: Meanwhile, in the bathroom below.
Doth someone disturb me?
Doth someone disturb me? The teeth.
The teeth that were once in the mouth of a witch, but now contains the spirit of her.
[00:09:26] Speaker E: Madam.
[00:09:26] Speaker B: Madam. What bothers you such?
[00:09:30] Speaker C: For I do sense a presence, for someone is coming down to take me away from you.
[00:09:38] Speaker E: No.
[00:09:39] Speaker B: I have jealously hoarded you these many years, like Sauron's ring with Gollum has many fears. I shall keep you away from the prying eyes. Their many traps shall be their demise.
[00:09:53] Speaker C: Why, yes, keep me away and hoard me still, for I shall only go away from you against my will.
[00:10:03] Speaker B: O Teethsome.
I shall never regret stealing you from that witch. I shall never regret putting a small pair of eyeballs upon you and a small wig made of horse hair.
[00:10:19] Speaker C: Why, never regret it, and always prepare. For I do think I look better. You see, with the eyes and the hair. I look more like Me.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: And I look more like a terrible gnome who reeks and reeks of not bathing at home. It's me, Michaniel. The stealer of teeth. And I think that it shall take them to find me. Just about one week. That's the time we have to prepare our forces to marshal our magic and steal more hair from horses.
[00:10:59] Speaker C: Why, yes, more hair from horses shall be. The only reason that you'll go outside is to protect me.
[00:11:06] Speaker B: Yes. But unfortunately, right now, outside the gate are hordes of men waiting to get to the princess and her shiny teeth. Her disgusting white chalk.
[00:11:16] Speaker C: Her disgusting white teeth.
For the reason that the witch did die underneath was of course, that although she was perfectly hairy, no man did she ever find to marry, for her teeth were always ugly and her teeth were always old.
And no one did find her to have and to hold.
[00:11:38] Speaker B: I shall away. As much as I hate to leave you, I must embolden our fortifications in this, the one week we have for the interloper to climb down the spiral stairs and unweave the traps.
[00:11:54] Speaker C: Why, yes, it do be but a long staircase. And even though you shall go now, make haste elsewhere.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: I pray thee, friend Bartholomew, thou hast left our company askance. Thou hast found a thing.
[00:12:12] Speaker C: Yeah, Bartholomew, thou hast found a thing.
[00:12:15] Speaker A: Thou art not with the princess. Thou hast been preparing these last days some sort of quest.
[00:12:23] Speaker C: Yes. All of us are trying to get with the princess.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: And all the angels outside the castle keep flying higher and higher.
[00:12:29] Speaker E: Indeed. Fear not the thing, but be the princess. I be but a vessel of the princess thing.
Fear not. I dare not a personality have. For should I have a personality, Be I a servant?
No, a servant be not one for a personality. Name me one story focused on a servant. Name me one single story ever focused on a servant, even in this medieval age. I bet thou cannot name me one.
[00:13:05] Speaker C: Well, I do have a friend whose name was Cinderella and a friend named Prince Charming, for that do take place in this era.
[00:13:15] Speaker B: And what end did they come to? Was the story written when they were but servants?
No, the story was written when they were famous.
[00:13:24] Speaker C: Ah, yes, Brady.
[00:13:26] Speaker A: Does not being a servant first not preclude the story being about a servant?
[00:13:30] Speaker B: Once a servant, always a servant, or
[00:13:33] Speaker E: a servant be, when serving be done is possible.
[00:13:37] Speaker A: The highest office of the land may indeed preclude some serving, but wherein one mayest take upon the task appropriately, one mayest find it. But I dare say, Bartholomew, thou needs not forget that thou art a human too. A servant may be a human?
[00:13:54] Speaker E: Ay, indeed, a human I be. And I eat food and I do pee. I go round a human task, stewing.
[00:14:05] Speaker B: What are such tasks that you've Been assigned by our lady Gertrude of Teeth.
[00:14:10] Speaker E: Well, I shall on occasion go out with a big stick and ensure that the angels are thrust down so that not too high they may fly and away from the castle. For she doth make them fly so high.
[00:14:28] Speaker C: Why, I do understand. She doth make them fly so high, for her teeth are so pearly white. I. I long to marry Gertruda. I long to marry her, for her teeth are so white. And I shall do it. All of you think that you shall except Bartholomew, for you are her servant and except for you, for you are an angel. But I do think that I shall.
[00:14:49] Speaker A: I do crave to marry those teeth I may see within their pearlescence of you upon myself.
I crave it. I crave the wedded bliss of being able to see unto teeth so lovely.
[00:15:01] Speaker E: Think you not of more than teeth?
Think you not of her butching, her baking, her candlestick making and archery?
[00:15:12] Speaker B: Even I, a celestial being, can only focus on these pearly whites shining forth from her mouth. A second sun in the mouth of a mistress?
[00:15:21] Speaker C: Why yes, a second sun and a second moon. I wouldn't look on anything else so
[00:15:26] Speaker E: soon Marriest thou the sun thou wishest to rise to the sky like an angel by our mistress scent.
[00:15:33] Speaker A: Ay, if t' possible to attain the mountains, I twould marry the sun, the
[00:15:38] Speaker E: sun be a burning ball and the
[00:15:41] Speaker C: next closest thing be the princess Mouth.
[00:15:44] Speaker A: Ay, Bartholomew, our friends speak as true. Bartholomew and Matthew. Matthew, thou dost speakest quite true. But again thou seem' st to have a thing. Thou art protecting the princess. Thou art affecting her valor.
[00:15:58] Speaker E: Ah, indeed, affecting her valor. So not my valor it be. Ah yes, a servant I may still be. And never free shall a servant you
[00:16:07] Speaker B: be at the end of this journey that she assigneth to you.
[00:16:11] Speaker E: Hopefully. Tis not a journey that should make me some sort of hero. Ha. What? A hero's journey. Name me one story with such feature.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: Listen. The castle stairs are so dark and dangerous with traps they doth bestrewn every day up in heaven. All of us angels look upon these stairs with fear and trepidation.
[00:16:35] Speaker E: Hey, just because stair descending shoes wearing eye mean not that I be descending the stairs soon thou doth read too much into my actions.
[00:16:46] Speaker C: What other reason would thou have for wearing stair descending shoes?
[00:16:49] Speaker E: To break them in.
[00:16:52] Speaker C: Why wouldst thou need to break them in if thou didst not intend to
[00:16:55] Speaker E: descend the stairs or future ser descension upon vacations.
[00:17:01] Speaker B: Lads, lads, smarten up. The princess this way comes.
[00:17:06] Speaker D: I wish not to open my mouth.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: Your Toothiness, we praise thee.
[00:17:13] Speaker C: We praise.
[00:17:14] Speaker D: Don't look at me.
[00:17:16] Speaker C: If the princess wishes that I shall not look, I shall keep my eyes closed. For if I do open them, then all I shall see is the sun, the moon and the stars. For all of them do radiate from the princess's mouth.
[00:17:28] Speaker D: Dear suitors, name me one quality about me besides. Besides my teeth.
That you would be interested in
[00:17:40] Speaker E: Gums.
[00:17:41] Speaker B: No, no, no, no. Not the gums.
[00:17:43] Speaker D: You say gums.
[00:17:45] Speaker C: Are you not but an angel?
[00:17:48] Speaker B: An angel is still a servant, I
[00:17:52] Speaker C: suppose, to the princess. Even God himself still be a servant to the sun, to the moon, to the stars, to all that shines but bright from the hole in thine head.
[00:18:03] Speaker D: Bartholomew, that angel's flying too high. Bring him down with your stick.
[00:18:10] Speaker E: Stick
[00:18:14] Speaker B: descent.
[00:18:15] Speaker D: Thank you, dear Bartholomew.
[00:18:17] Speaker E: Of course I be so sorry that all your suitors doth read texts of a sun God and thus be such enchanted bodies. My ancient thoughts as to believe your teeth so shiny they may be as to be better than such sun. I shall endeavor to do your will not descending stairs apace.
[00:18:39] Speaker D: Thank you.
Now, to the suitors waiting.
Give me something.
Why do you think you deserve to marry someone with such beautiful teeth?
[00:18:50] Speaker A: I'd look great. And I would the reflection of myself in thy teeth.
[00:18:55] Speaker D: That's crazy.
[00:18:56] Speaker C: Princess, I do believe that I deserve to marry you. For thou hast asked that I not look at your teeth. And mine eyes have remained closed this entire time, for even just the image of your teeth in my mind is but good enough.
[00:19:12] Speaker D: It disturbs me that this whole time I've been speaking to you, you've been thinking about my teeth, imagining them. That's disgusting.
[00:19:21] Speaker C: Is that better than. Is that worse than looking at them? Is that.
[00:19:27] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:19:29] Speaker C: So then may mine eyes open.
[00:19:31] Speaker D: Fine. Do whatever you want.
Oh, take a good long look at these teeth.
Fine.
[00:19:41] Speaker C: I shall paint a painting, for that shall last longer.
[00:19:44] Speaker D: I guess I can't stop you from looking and painting my teeth at the painter's shop.
[00:19:51] Speaker E: Sorry. No, no, no. More shiny whites than this have I. This be my shiniest whites of chalk.
[00:20:01] Speaker C: Oh, but I do need a white even shinier. A white shinier than the sun, shinier than the moon, Shinier than all the stars and the dust that befalls them.
[00:20:10] Speaker E: Mmm. That be a shiny, shiny white.
O, my goodness. There be not one of those in here in hundreds of years.
[00:20:21] Speaker C: We'll be there one today.
[00:20:23] Speaker E: Be there one today.
Dost thou have the song?
The song I accept as payment for secrets.
[00:20:40] Speaker C: Why?
Only because thine do ask.
I Do have the song deliver.
I tell thee secrets in thy shop. Tell thee secrets in thy shop. I tell thee secrets in thy shop until thy gives me what I want. Then I stop. Bartholomew is wearing stair descending shoes. I think that that is something he doth choose. He tells me he is breaking them in, but I believe the staircase he's about to go in. I tell you secrets in your shop. I tell you secrets in your shop. I tell you secrets in your shop.
[00:21:25] Speaker E: And now you may stop.
[00:21:27] Speaker C: Ha ha.
[00:21:28] Speaker E: Well done.
[00:21:29] Speaker C: Oh, I thank thee.
[00:21:30] Speaker E: Tis so glorious, finally, that such such verse of Bartholomew and shoes be relevant to the situation. All others who sing the song to get my advice be singing of it for no reason. What grateful coincidence have we now?
[00:21:47] Speaker C: Why, yes, Bartholomew, you be descending the stairs.
[00:21:51] Speaker E: Descending the stairs. A coincidence too, that be, for I know where the whitest thing doth be.
[00:21:59] Speaker C: The whitest thing?
[00:22:00] Speaker E: Yes. The whitest pigment it be contained inside a witch's teeth for gross.
[00:22:08] Speaker C: Teeth, teeth, teeth
[00:22:13] Speaker E: for gross. On the outside they may be inside the whitest teeth of all the kingdom I ever did see. Ah, what a woman in a youth she was.
[00:22:29] Speaker C: Did thou know her in life?
[00:22:32] Speaker E: Ay, indeed. Did I know her in life? O, did I wish her to be my wife.
[00:22:39] Speaker C: Oh, Thou gazest so wistfully as though thou canst see her perfectly.
[00:22:43] Speaker E: Indeed, a painting of her so beautiful. I.
[00:22:48] Speaker C: Why is it hangs right there on thy wall?
[00:22:52] Speaker B: We see it's a painting of a pair of teeth with fake eyeballs and a little horsehair wig on it.
[00:22:57] Speaker C: Ay.
[00:22:59] Speaker E: But could not past her teeth Look.
And that is why I had banished myself from the kingdom, for I learned not enough of her as a person.
Only her teeth as people for teeth, not people be.
[00:23:17] Speaker B: Ay.
[00:23:17] Speaker C: For though thou focused on what was on the outside, thou didst not focus on what was on the inside.
[00:23:23] Speaker E: Indeed, the inside of the teeth bears the inside of the soul.
[00:23:32] Speaker C: I understand.
[00:23:34] Speaker E: So a pigment you may seek.
But thou shalt make thyself meek.
[00:23:39] Speaker C: That shall be my goal.
[00:23:41] Speaker E: Don't make my same mistakes again, for thou shall be a hunched paint seller like me.
[00:23:50] Speaker C: I would never make that mistake. And on that I do agree. I must get to know the princess if I am to marry her. I must get to know her for who she is. Besides the teeth.
Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.
[00:24:07] Speaker B: We cut to. What was your character's name?
[00:24:09] Speaker C: I don't think I had one.
[00:24:11] Speaker E: No, I think it was just teeth.
[00:24:12] Speaker A: Oh, Matthew. Matthew.
[00:24:13] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:24:14] Speaker B: We cut to Matthew's dreams at night.
Mitchathaniel, the caretaker of the evil witch's teeth doth traips into his dreams.
Young Matthew, thou desirest teeth.
[00:24:35] Speaker C: Teeth, Teeth.
I. I do. I do desire his.
[00:24:41] Speaker B: What teeth do you seek?
[00:24:43] Speaker C: I seek the witch's teeth. I seek the witch's teeth at the bottom of the stairs. The stairs that it but do take a week to get to. And that you cannot get to without the special shoes.
[00:24:53] Speaker B: But thou already hast such powerful teeth nearer within thy grasp.
[00:25:00] Speaker C: Nearer within thy grasp.
[00:25:01] Speaker B: Did some wizens paint tell you that the brightest pigment was in my love's teeth for an even brighter pair of teeth? Be close, don't they?
[00:25:14] Speaker C: Ah, yes, the teeth of the princess. Teeth.
[00:25:18] Speaker E: Teeth.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: I bet the princess would be mighty keen on your efforts if you were to somehow grind her own teeth into white pigment.
[00:25:29] Speaker C: Why, yes, of course. For if I ground her own teeth out of her mouth, then I would but have them forever.
[00:25:36] Speaker B: And she would have. No, you would have to fall in love with her for something other than her teeth.
[00:25:43] Speaker C: Why, yes. But by removing her teeth, could I fall in love with something other than her teeth and see her for who she be?
[00:25:52] Speaker B: Thou could paint a painting, a simulacrum of her teeth at the height of their powers. Where in life they would naturally fade and yellow and crack and list.
But a painting made from those teeth shall remain perfect forever.
[00:26:10] Speaker C: A favor to her I be doing. Yes.
[00:26:13] Speaker B: Thou could hang it upon above the marital bed, higher than an angel could fly. And thou couldst look upon those perfect teeth every day.
[00:26:23] Speaker C: Ah, yes, For I shall do it. I shall go to the princess now, and I shall grind her teeth.
Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.
[00:26:35] Speaker E: Step number 199.
Step number 200. And not one trap yet.
[00:26:45] Speaker A: Dear Bartholomew, you.
Why must thou count every step?
I have followed thee on this journey, for I have made an ass of myself in the princess's teeth needs. Thou must count every single step.
[00:27:01] Speaker E: How else shall we find our way back?
[00:27:05] Speaker A: There's one stairwell, Bartholomew.
[00:27:09] Speaker E: Indeed. And an unknown number of stairs.
How shalt we calculate if we not know the number of stairs down? How many up to go?
[00:27:18] Speaker A: I pray thee, dear Bartholomew, there is one staircase.
[00:27:24] Speaker E: Indeed. One staircase with 200 plus stairs.
[00:27:27] Speaker A: And one sky at the end. And one teeth at the bottom.
[00:27:32] Speaker E: Well, multiple teeth at the bottom.
[00:27:34] Speaker A: Well, yes, but one sconce of teeth. Thou understandest my saying? Thou twist my words.
We have already climbed many steps.
[00:27:44] Speaker C: Two potions doth appear before them.
One potion has an apple, the other a skull and crossbones.
[00:27:54] Speaker E: One potion, two potions. The potions counted now.
[00:28:01] Speaker C: Ah, yes.
Ah, how perfect.
For they do but think that the apple will get them through. And they do but think that the skull and crossbones will poison them. But in fact, the opposite is true.
[00:28:19] Speaker E: My friend. My friend. The suitor of men. Ah, so many suitors. Thy name I forget.
[00:28:26] Speaker A: I. I never gave it. I was more obsessed with teeth. Thou canst call me Chip.
[00:28:32] Speaker E: Ah, Chip. Chip of the skylarks.
[00:28:34] Speaker A: Ay, I crave the sky and the larks, but less than the teeth.
[00:28:38] Speaker E: Ah, indeed. Thou art an icky sort.
[00:28:41] Speaker A: Ay, indeed.
[00:28:43] Speaker E: Anyway, around these potions we shall walk.
Or why drink mysterious potions on a staircase? Should we?
[00:28:51] Speaker A: There is one path above and below. As above, so below the steps descend in terminal.
I crave not the numbers. I do crave the end.
[00:28:59] Speaker E: Ay, indeed. So, below the potions shall we step and continue on our way? Nothing wrong shall go.
[00:29:08] Speaker B: Mistress, they didn't fall for the potions.
[00:29:11] Speaker C: Ah, gosh, they did. But just walk underneath the potions. Send up the banshee. The wailing Banshee.
[00:29:20] Speaker E: Whee.
[00:29:23] Speaker C: Whee. Banshee whee.
[00:29:27] Speaker E: Oh, banshee sad. You look not threatening like most banshees.
[00:29:32] Speaker C: Whee.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: Oh, thou wails so sadly.
[00:29:38] Speaker E: Oh, poor banshee. What be wrong, banshee?
[00:29:43] Speaker B: I.
Oh.
[00:29:44] Speaker A: Ay.
[00:29:46] Speaker D: Don't go up the stairs.
[00:29:48] Speaker C: Wah.
[00:29:49] Speaker E: Down the stairs. Go. We are not hutter.
[00:29:51] Speaker A: Aye.
[00:29:52] Speaker D: Don't go down instead.
[00:29:55] Speaker A: We are receiving mixed signals.
[00:29:57] Speaker E: Yes, indeed.
Stay on this pair. Thou wishest.
[00:30:02] Speaker A: Thou mayest stay. Thou needst not follow us upon our way.
[00:30:07] Speaker E: Thou wishest to come along, thou lonely Look.
Oh, poor little Benchy.
Oh, poor little Benchy. Does Benji want to screechy screech?
[00:30:18] Speaker C: Where?
[00:30:19] Speaker E: Oh, screechy screechy screech. I know I cannot touch you literally, but I think I touch you.
Oh, little banshee. A cute banshee.
[00:30:28] Speaker A: Thou hast things. Thou hast things.
Thou hast found means in order to entice a banshee.
[00:30:35] Speaker E: Thou hast things serving. Serving banshee. I am serving banshee.
[00:30:40] Speaker A: Thou art serving banshee.
[00:30:41] Speaker E: Indeed I indeed. So a servant still shall be I.
[00:30:45] Speaker A: That could be a thing.
I pray thee continue. Banshee. Please, I pray thee. Thou seemest to have found kinship with my fellow gentleman, Bartholomew. If thou cravest company, or if thou cravest a certain direction, let us know.
[00:31:03] Speaker B: We entreat thee join us.
[00:31:06] Speaker D: The banshee exploded into a million puffs of smoke.
[00:31:11] Speaker E: One puff of smoke.
Two puffs of smoke. Three puffs of smoke.
[00:31:18] Speaker C: I for the banshee, but did not work.
[00:31:22] Speaker B: Mistress, these adventurers Their lack of personality makes them so crafty.
[00:31:28] Speaker C: I know that this is the only thing that makes me me, and I didn't want to do it, but we. This is the emergency measure for you shall take the horse hair that is on me, braid it into a lasso and have it lasso them.
[00:31:45] Speaker B: But your hair, your crowning beauty. Apart from their teeth.
[00:31:49] Speaker C: I do understand what I am asking. I expect you to execute.
[00:31:53] Speaker E: I shall.
[00:31:54] Speaker B: I shall weep every moment.
One stitch, two stitch.
[00:32:01] Speaker E: Meanwhile, above ground.
Oh, so cold am I For all my hair be taken.
[00:32:12] Speaker C: Oh, so silly do I look.
[00:32:15] Speaker D: These horses look like crap.
[00:32:17] Speaker E: Oh, I wish it hair again.
I wish it thought I had hair again.
[00:32:25] Speaker B: Princess, I am your horse trainer.
Thou shalt not want to ride the bald horses.
[00:32:33] Speaker D: Oh, if I must be with me
[00:32:35] Speaker C: Princess, it is me, Matthew. And thou shalt have plenty of haired horses.
[00:32:40] Speaker D: I don't know if horse hair is really something I care a lot about.
[00:32:47] Speaker C: Well, thou shalt have it with me. Thou shalt have anything with me. Why, come to my ranch. And thou shalt have all the haired horses that thou dost desire.
[00:32:55] Speaker D: Well, what if I had ugly witch
[00:32:57] Speaker C: teeth, Teeth, teeth, teeth.
[00:33:01] Speaker B: Back in the staircase, I have devised a best plan.
Not better, not good best.
Though we can only make illusory things. I have constructed an illusory gate with a sign heading hanging down that dost read.
Anyone that passes through this gate is a loser.
[00:33:29] Speaker C: Ay.
And if they pass through the gate, then they must admit that they are indeed losers.
[00:33:37] Speaker B: And they cannot win. They cannot complete their goal if they be losers.
[00:33:42] Speaker C: Why yes. For only those who are not losers can complete their goal.
It be but a perfect plan.
[00:33:50] Speaker B: And the lasso that I made shall be our final backup. It's reversible. I can make it a week again.
[00:33:58] Speaker C: Why yes, of course. Let's not use it unless we have to.
[00:34:04] Speaker E: What's this gate? A gate saying we losers shall be. Should we proceed through?
[00:34:13] Speaker A: Well, I pray the in the midst of society as we have seen, it is such a terrible thing to be a loser. I cannot claim the teeth of the princess and the hand therein that is
[00:34:24] Speaker E: attached and a loser be a thing, and things desirest I not to have.
Hmm, A thought have I.
I do carry in my backpack the old painterman.
[00:34:44] Speaker A: Thou that bag has been moving these many steps, and I was quite curious. But thou claims not to have a thing, so I assumed there was not a thing to do with the backpack. I need must be honest.
[00:34:56] Speaker E: Indeed, indeed. But in my backpack the old painterman
[00:35:01] Speaker A: be thou hast Committed kidnapping. We are on the same page about this.
[00:35:10] Speaker E: Hello, Painterman old hello.
[00:35:14] Speaker C: I thought I'd never be down here again.
[00:35:19] Speaker E: Listen. I be invisible in most rooms, for that be my desire. And I heard you speaking of love of a witch.
[00:35:26] Speaker C: Yes, love of a witch with teeth so ugly on the outside, but so beautiful on the inn.
[00:35:34] Speaker E: Those teeth, teeth, teeth at the bottom of this staircase, staircase, staircase lie.
And all thee need do is summon thy beloved to thee through this gate.
[00:35:50] Speaker C: Ay, Thy beloved.
O, there is but one way that I can summon my beloved.
[00:36:08] Speaker B: Mistress. What's happening to you? Your. Your teeth, one by one, be rattling out of your mouth. Ay.
[00:36:16] Speaker C: For.
For I thought that I would never see him again.
Oh, my baddest, my banister.
Wait.
[00:36:27] Speaker B: I shall try to lasso you with the hornet. It can't catch on something so small.
[00:36:35] Speaker C: My teeth.
My love, be back to me.
[00:36:41] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:36:41] Speaker E: Amazing. The teeth be there before you, floating in the air, corporealizing into.
[00:36:49] Speaker C: Into a body full back into a body I become. For my banister has summoned me and restored me to be whole once more.
[00:36:59] Speaker E: And a loser thou dost are, for thou hast passed through the gate.
[00:37:04] Speaker C: A loser I may be, but I be a loser with my love.
And so a loser I shall stay.
[00:37:12] Speaker E: And your teeth I shall have.
[00:37:16] Speaker C: Why, of course.
For now that I be but a person anymore. My teeth I need not
[00:37:24] Speaker E: thank thee. The princess shall be most grateful. Thou hast done a wonderful deed.
[00:37:30] Speaker C: Of course.
Go, take the deed and take the prisoners.
[00:37:35] Speaker E: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
[00:37:43] Speaker C: Right here, Princess. Right here be my ranch. Thou may take off thy blindfold.
Okay.
[00:37:53] Speaker D: Ugh. All your servants are staring at my teeth.
Tell them to stop.
[00:37:58] Speaker C: Stop staring. Servants. This be my princess. These be my teeth to stare at.
What?
[00:38:07] Speaker D: I don't know about that. I haven't agreed to marry you, my. Ew. Stop it.
[00:38:16] Speaker E: Me?
My princess. Bartholomew, it be I. Those horses so streamlined as to run quicker than most.
[00:38:25] Speaker C: Why no. But I have a file but here. And I do but want the princess teeth to grind and file down one by one.
[00:38:34] Speaker D: That doesn't sound great.
[00:38:36] Speaker C: It sounds like what I want.
Princess personality less Bartholomew shall not stop Princess Cash.
The witch teeth.
They are bewitched.
[00:38:53] Speaker D: So they shall replace my own teeth magically.
[00:39:00] Speaker C: Ay.
For thy teeth close up are ugly. Thy teeth close up are terrible. Thy teeth close up are the yellowed, wretched teeth of a witch.
[00:39:11] Speaker D: That's right. I've got witch teeth. And they're nasty.
[00:39:14] Speaker C: Ah. Ay. Those teeth do make me descend into Madness. Melt do I. Until nothing, nothing are left but my very own teeth.
[00:39:28] Speaker D: Teeth, teeth.
[00:39:31] Speaker E: He melteth. He melteth. He not be a witch. He not hath any prior magical powers. And he now melteth.
[00:39:39] Speaker D: That was so gross. He just melted for no reason.
[00:39:43] Speaker C: There be nothing left of him but his teeth.
[00:39:46] Speaker B: I am an angel, and life contains many mysteries. But surely a villain has been dispatched.
[00:39:53] Speaker C: Perhaps we shall put this set of teeth in the stairwell at the bottom.
Ooh.
[00:39:59] Speaker B: Ooh.
[00:40:01] Speaker D: I do feel like I took these witch teeth. It'd be nice to replace them. You know, I don't want to, like, steal some teeth and leave with no replacement.
[00:40:10] Speaker E: Indeed, a new adventure may one day produce.
[00:40:14] Speaker B: And you won't age. And instead, the teeth will age, but you'll stay the same age forever.
[00:40:19] Speaker C: Wait.
[00:40:19] Speaker A: No.
[00:40:19] Speaker D: I don't want that.
[00:40:22] Speaker A: The Lord hath spoken by the messenger angels.
[00:40:26] Speaker D: Oh, Bartholomew, hit that angel with your angel stick.
[00:40:30] Speaker A: Oh, oh, oh.
[00:40:31] Speaker B: Okay. The blessings. Take it back. Take it back.
[00:40:32] Speaker E: Take it back. Take it back.
[00:40:33] Speaker D: Thank you.
[00:40:34] Speaker E: Thank God I brought it. My angel stick. Thou hast things fine. I hast things.
I hast an angel stick. I hast shoes that descend stairs. I hast a really good throw of teeth.
[00:40:51] Speaker D: Perfect throw of teeth, teeth, teeth.
[00:40:55] Speaker E: But, my princess, still your servant. I wish to be. And yet things have I.
Bartholomew, you
[00:41:05] Speaker D: have learned an important lesson.
[00:41:07] Speaker E: Tell me.
[00:41:08] Speaker D: You may still be my servant, but do other things.
[00:41:14] Speaker C: Things, things, things, things, things.
[00:41:19] Speaker E: Tis glorious. I may.
I may take up knitting again.
Embroidery. All fabric based activities. Why, those Vikings that have been attacking our castle this whole time, I may finally see.
[00:41:34] Speaker C: Stop.
[00:41:34] Speaker D: You can knit them away.
[00:41:36] Speaker E: I shall knit them away. I shall put them in an embroidery, and there they shall stay with limited movement.
[00:41:44] Speaker D: Think of it this way, Bartholomew. Your things may help you better to serve me.
[00:41:49] Speaker C: Whoa.
[00:41:50] Speaker E: And my serving may be better to things.
Yes.
[00:41:54] Speaker D: What a beautiful relationship.
[00:41:57] Speaker E: Oh, my goodness. You and your decision. Disgusting, disgusting. Witchy teeth hath brought me.
Sorry.
Me not mean to use it mid sentence.
My princess, thank thee. Thank thee. Thou art as disgusting as thou art wise in the teeth. Only the rest of you I doth not neg. For you are beautiful.
[00:42:25] Speaker D: I thank the thee, Bartholomew, for now my teeth are as disgusting as can be. My one true wish has come true.
[00:42:32] Speaker A: Ah.
[00:42:34] Speaker E: One wish come true. I hope everyone else's wishes hath come true too.
[00:42:40] Speaker B: And from that day on, the kingdom's problems were solved.
[00:42:45] Speaker E: Barthmal Darth.
[00:42:47] Speaker B: Barthmal.
[00:42:48] Speaker E: Darth. Maul. Barth Mall.
[00:42:51] Speaker B: Barth Mall.
[00:42:51] Speaker E: Barth Mall. And Darth Maul.
[00:42:54] Speaker B: Darth.
[00:42:54] Speaker E: O mule.
[00:42:55] Speaker B: And Darth o Mule, his brother from somewhere, Bartholomew knitted the Vikings into a tapestry where they stayed two dimensional and ineffectual.
[00:43:08] Speaker A: Gertruda, with her teeth claim whatever she so chose her butchery, her archery, her
[00:43:17] Speaker E: bakery, her candlestick makery and the horses, oh so sad and roiled be doth then wear the Viking embroidery and warm again be.
[00:43:37] Speaker B: They form a fashion house in Venice called Two Bald Horses Wearing Beautiful Coats and it became so successful that the kingdom
[00:43:50] Speaker C: was rich and of course lying underneath, waiting for another adventure of Matthew Wir Teeth, Teeth, teeth.
[00:44:06] Speaker A: That's our show.
[00:44:13] Speaker B: You just heard Joanna Bornes, who played Princess Gertruda, a sad banshee and disembodied whispers. Maria Nally, who played the witch's teeth. Matthew Bannister, the paint seller, a bald horse and disembodied whispers. PJ Nally, who was our co producer and played Bartholomew Bannister, the paint seller, a bald horse and disembodied whispers. Rock Ross Neil, who played Chip, he of the skylark and disembodied whispers. And Drew Robinson, who is our co producer, sound designer and played an angel, Mitchathaniel, a bald horse trainer and disembodied whispers. If you liked this, you can follow us Last improv on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. We don't have very many posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready for when we do. If you want to get in touch, email
[email protected] Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare is a hell yeah production.
