Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: This episode containeth Maria Nally, Joanna Borns, Ross Neal special guest Jason Speckland and P.J.
[00:00:18] Speaker C: nally.
[00:00:21] Speaker D: I have a coffee shop that I go to every day, and one day I just wanted a hot coffee instead of an iced coffee. And one of the people who was there said hi to me, and I was like, yeah, I'll do a hot coffee. And then she just. She was like, okay. And then she made me an iced coffee, and I just took it because I was like, you know what? It's close enough to what I want. I either drink black iced coffee or black hot coffee.
[00:00:46] Speaker B: So it's all bean juice.
[00:00:47] Speaker D: Yeah, exactly.
[00:00:48] Speaker C: Oh, you. You give me anything remotely close to what I actually ordered, and I am just taking it. I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to be a pain. I don't want to be that person's story when they go home to their significant.
Like, oh, my God, this jerk asked me for. You know, because, you know, the story in their head is that I asked for what they gave me, and then I changed my mind, but I didn't. But it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
[00:01:11] Speaker E: But based on what you're both saying, it kind of sounds like they could give you something that's really different from what you ordered, and you would also take it and not complain. Is that true?
[00:01:21] Speaker C: That's a high bar. Like, if I asked for a black iced coffee, which is just my normal order, and you gave me one of those purple frappuccinos, I'd probably spray say something.
[00:01:31] Speaker D: I always watch. Like, and, you know, I don't get any, like, milk or anything in my coffee, but, like, I always watch because if some sort of dairy goes in there, since I don't eat dairy, I'm gonna ask them to remake it.
[00:01:43] Speaker C: Yeah, but you're gonna feel guilty about it, right?
[00:01:45] Speaker D: I am gonna feel so guilty about it. Of course I'm gonna feel. I'm gonna be the nicest person one day.
[00:01:50] Speaker C: I was at a restaurant, and they served me chicken, and I cut into the chicken, and it was raw inside. And I called the waitress over, and I said, I am so sorry. I am totally not the person who returns food. I never have done, would never do this. But this is literally raw and inedible, and I'm so sorry, but you should
[00:02:07] Speaker A: never apologize for that. Like, that's like, 1%. Like, as someone who runs and helps in restaurants a lot. No, send that back. Don't feel bad. Like, that could kill you. Like, I would be, like, I would be very upset with my staff. Like, how did this happen?
[00:02:21] Speaker C: Like, embarrassment could also kill you.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: I don't think that's true.
[00:02:25] Speaker B: Here's my like, hot take is I'm not really bothered. I don't want it, but I'm not really bothered. If I find a hair in my food, I will just take it out and resume eating.
[00:02:37] Speaker D: I've done that a few times.
[00:02:39] Speaker B: Yeah, it doesn't.
I don't want it. It's like, it's a minor annoyance, but like, I am like, well, everyone has hair. Hair gets places. There's hair. Great, I'll just take the hair out. Like, it's. It's okay, it's okay.
[00:02:54] Speaker E: But what if the hair was like three feet long and like winding around all the food?
[00:03:01] Speaker B: That would seem deliberate to me. In which case I have bigger questions.
[00:03:05] Speaker C: Has Rapunzel been working the grill again?
[00:03:07] Speaker E: Yeah, it got like mixed in there.
[00:03:09] Speaker B: It got mixed in. If I could pull it out cleanly enough, I would just like put it on a napkin and be like, okay,
[00:03:17] Speaker A: this is a hot take. I gotta be honest. Like when usually people say a hot take, I feel like it's a lukewarm take. That is a hot take.
[00:03:24] Speaker E: I have more questions. Okay, let's say it's like a clump of hair.
That's more than one hair.
[00:03:30] Speaker B: That's different. Yeah, yeah, that's more than one. I find like one to five separate hairs.
I'm okay, up to five.
[00:03:37] Speaker C: Five is a high bar.
[00:03:39] Speaker B: I would say up to five.
[00:03:40] Speaker E: Okay, so you've just been served a piece of lasagna. And on each layer of the lasagna is a different hair.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: Different.
[00:03:49] Speaker E: You're cool. You cleanly pull it out.
[00:03:51] Speaker B: How many layers is this lasagna?
[00:03:53] Speaker C: It's one of those hundred layer ones.
[00:03:56] Speaker D: A well meaning restaurant with customers there continually messing up and serving hair. Well meaning customers who alack will hesitate so hard to send their food back.
Customers and restaurants hanging on by a thread, hoping desperately not to go head to head.
[00:04:19] Speaker B: Ah, indeed, in this place where most might wish to reach satiety.
Instead on both sides, just balls and balls of anxiety.
We have waiters who wish to be doing a good job. An audience audience patrons who wish to compliment slob the audience. The restaurant be but a theater, the world be but a st.
Ah yes. As these people order eggs from chickens that were never in a cage.
[00:04:52] Speaker C: And in the window of the theater for all to see a single solitary letter, that letter C C to Some
[00:05:03] Speaker B: a warning may seem, but to others more adventurous, a C be a dream.
[00:05:09] Speaker A: An average score from the Department of Health may lead to adventures for appetite's wealth.
Within these kitchens, with violations abounding, there are different opinions. All such resounding of people and cultures all trying new things and mayhaps with hair wrapped around chicken wings.
[00:05:31] Speaker E: Amidst these extremely hairy dealings, of the utmost importance were everyone's feelings.
[00:05:39] Speaker B: And.
[00:05:40] Speaker E: And because no one would dare to place blame, there would no longer be in this theater or restaurant. Shame.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: Ah, no shame. But let us see the good side.
For with hair flowing freely, non Bennett. Ted. Ah, the beauty of the staff does not hide. With hair flowing, not bound by a net.
Ah, look upon the beautiful locks they be bet.
I hope I use that right upon
[00:06:15] Speaker D: this night the staff do but look so beautiful, see, for cooking is second to their vanity.
And so there be anxiety on all sides. Emotion everyone do but want to hide. But looks everyone want to see. A bound. And now we go into the hounds.
[00:06:37] Speaker A: I pray thee, my good chef, Antonio, the plate.
[00:06:42] Speaker B: Oh, owls no wrong worthy.
[00:06:47] Speaker A: That is the theming of the restaurant. Antonio. Ay, ay, thou mayest bark wherein thou mayest make thy meal. But I pray thee, thou flowing hair, thou boundless pelt, thou art giving me a sense of anxiety, a sense of tension across my body.
[00:07:06] Speaker C: Do you not see?
[00:07:07] Speaker A: The people who I needs must serve both in looks and in food.
[00:07:10] Speaker B: Oh, indeed. And my good looks give them good mood.
[00:07:12] Speaker E: Woof.
[00:07:13] Speaker A: Thou art the best boy, good chef Antonio, Thou art such a good boy. Oh, who is a good chef? Who is a good chef? Well, I pray thee, thou hast seen the letter in our window. Does that not give thee stress? Does that not make feel a mess?
[00:07:28] Speaker B: Ah, be but a challenge. Be not a waste.
You see, for when the health be poor, we must prove ourselves upon taste.
Ah, the taste must be so much better to overcome the gross. Ah, to have a thriving restaurant with that grade is the thing I crave most.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: Thou art a chef of unparalleled vision, Truly an animal, a beast, a hound who I do admire the most. But I pray thee, chef, and do not lose thy temper. I hath a customer whom I have given a plate that is not what they required.
They did order thy wings of that succulent flavor that most delicious of fig. And I hath rang in the bones of a pig.
[00:08:23] Speaker B: Ah, an error most grave. The customer doth complain.
[00:08:26] Speaker A: We cut to the customer.
[00:08:29] Speaker E: I, Honey, tell them everything do be
[00:08:37] Speaker D: but good in this place. I did not think that the wings of a Chicken wouldst be so large and so pink and taste of pork.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: I pray thee. Thou hast said that these are delicious. This is my good captain. The good captain of thy meal. I may be thy servant. This is thy captain.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: Ay, tis, Captain.
[00:09:00] Speaker D: I, I. So much attention be but upon me everything is wonderful.
[00:09:05] Speaker C: Thine eyes belie what thou dost say.
Could it be thou hast complaint, but bear thee well. The fragile egos of the waiters hear, may not relish what the things they hear.
[00:09:20] Speaker D: I.
And if. If I do point out this mistake, even if it doth not be my own, then it could be me who would take the emotions of the staff.
And they would be crying alone.
[00:09:36] Speaker B: Come back to the kitchen.
Oh, thou speak crying.
[00:09:40] Speaker A: Ay, Chef. I threw upon the captain the blame for the pork. And I canst not bring myself to talk to the guest.
[00:09:47] Speaker B: Oh, indeed, this be bad to a man. We be known for being the restaurants with the capitan.
[00:09:55] Speaker A: I know, Capitaine Tam. I am so sorry. I prithee, grant me clemency. I threw thee under the bus of the port stylings.
[00:10:05] Speaker C: Fret thee not for what service doth the captain do, but to take the blame for mistakes made by you.
[00:10:13] Speaker B: The captain says I made a mistake.
[00:10:16] Speaker E: Oh, oh, oh, Captain, mistake, mistake.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: Anon.
[00:10:22] Speaker C: Fret thee not.
[00:10:23] Speaker A: I fret thee more.
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Ah, server, I see, I see your disgrace. May I put licks upon your face?
[00:10:31] Speaker A: O Chef Antonio, I pray thee do.
[00:10:34] Speaker B: Oh, this be not good for our health grade, but I feel a good mood in you.
[00:10:39] Speaker A: This is why we have a sea consequence.
[00:10:41] Speaker D: Chef Antonio. Chef Antonio, I. You must make another order on the fly.
[00:10:46] Speaker A: Oh, no.
[00:10:46] Speaker B: Be it my fault, I know.
[00:10:49] Speaker D: Be it my fault, but blame the captain. I did, for I screwed up again on the menu of a kid.
[00:10:55] Speaker B: Anon, anon.
[00:10:57] Speaker C: Why fret' st thou so?
I, the head waiter, the captain who steerest this ship thrus Scylla and Charybdis. Both will take the wounds of each and every customer hence.
And I shall even give the customer recompense.
20% off should they visit Ayr again.
And what they might tell to their friends I cannot ken.
[00:11:25] Speaker D: We would lose and the customers would win. For as with every restaurant, our margins are razor thin.
This be all my fault. There already be wounds, and now they're rubbed with salt.
[00:11:40] Speaker C: Worry thou not, Alieve thy pains, Take away all thou woe so only happiness remains for your captain here stands alone like Colossus of Rhodes, bestriding the bay, saying thou shalt not cry in the back room of the restaurant today.
Get thee out of the walk in. Cry thou not.
For I shall take the slings of arrows, no matter how many there be shot.
So, please, I will go up to the front and absorb customer complaints.
And I shall take their insults, their anger, their taints.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: Their taints.
[00:12:31] Speaker C: Ay, their taints. For tainted.
For tainted souls. And tainted hate and enmity.
Expose upon all the customers for our restaurant they chose.
[00:12:44] Speaker B: Bless thee upon thy soul, if thou be generous. To take their taints. I shall take their holes. The holes in their hearts that burn so bright.
Let me dive deep into them tonight.
[00:13:00] Speaker C: Yes, take their holes, my dear and greatest friend.
[00:13:04] Speaker B: Indeed, their holes I shall take. And no cream shall I skim. I shall make sure their holes are now satisfied. All to the rim.
[00:13:15] Speaker E: We cut.
[00:13:16] Speaker D: Back to the dining room.
[00:13:20] Speaker E: I begst thy pardon, Captain.
[00:13:23] Speaker C: I must brace myself for the complaints I.
[00:13:26] Speaker E: This be not a complaint and be not a mistake. But there is indeed within my meal hairs of both canine beast and the hair of someone who looks to be probably one of the most beautiful people in the land. It's a gorgeous hair.
And I just was curious maybe who it belonged to. And maybe if the chef was a dog.
[00:13:53] Speaker C: Oh, thy discerning eye.
What glorious eye. So fine to tell the difference twixt human hair and canine.
[00:14:04] Speaker E: I thank thee. Twas nothing, truly. Just various varying textures within the food.
Too different.
[00:14:14] Speaker D: Tis so much easier for my partner to speak to servers than I.
[00:14:20] Speaker E: Please, we cast no taint upon thee.
[00:14:23] Speaker C: And taint did not take. I.
[00:14:26] Speaker D: And our hearts do be but whole.
[00:14:29] Speaker C: Ay, two hearts, therefore, two wholes.
Or perhaps more. Who knows what's in these bowls?
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Excuse me. I hear of your complaint and your spirits do fall.
Please, as our compliments, take these two meatballs.
[00:14:50] Speaker E: Oh.
Ay, we thank thee for these balls of meat.
[00:14:54] Speaker D: I suppose we should eat them and eat them neat.
[00:14:57] Speaker C: Yes. Two balls for each between the staff. Tis us. Two balls between the staff. Make your gustatorial joy better than one might imagine.
[00:15:09] Speaker E: A decadent meat gift indeed.
[00:15:13] Speaker C: But, my lady, there is indeed the most beautiful person who hast ever known in our kitchen.
For she, blessed by Aphrodite herself, dost walk about with shame and woe behind those doors. The in the out, her beautiful cheek, her gently pouting pout.
Her beauty is unmatched in this world.
Oh, everyone would love this beauteous girl. But her ego, so fragile like a pane of glass.
You would feel sad forever ere her visage you pass.
[00:15:56] Speaker E: Oh, please do tell her that we are ever so fortunate to be eating her.
[00:16:01] Speaker D: Hair I please do tell her that these bones of pig do be but wonderful, and I love them. And it be exactly what I ordered.
[00:16:08] Speaker E: To taste her hair is like feasting upon the heavens. Please relay this message.
[00:16:12] Speaker D: Ay, why yes, in fact, more of her hair. I wish not that there be, but not enough.
[00:16:17] Speaker E: We wish to order a dish simply composed of solely her hair, if that
[00:16:22] Speaker D: is possible, a side or a mane, and if it be too much trouble because it be not on the menu, then that be no worries at all.
[00:16:29] Speaker C: The menu be but a guide for our lovely guests.
Off menu. We honor thy requests, of course.
I need not catch you unaware.
I shall bring thee a family size portion of hair.
[00:16:45] Speaker E: Oh.
[00:16:46] Speaker B: Meanwhile, in the kitchen.
O Captain. O Captain, what have thou done? Thou behavest like the most insolent daughter, taking us off menu into uncharted waters.
[00:16:58] Speaker C: Worry thou not speaks not to thy captain. So do I not protect thee at my own expense.
[00:17:05] Speaker B: Off menu be. Off map. Off menu be. Steering us into Circe's grasp.
[00:17:14] Speaker C: Circe's grasp. I on one side lie, but mean. Charybdis would tear thee asunder if thou dost not espy.
What easy dish I have to thou prepare, made only of your glorious canine hair.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: Mine hair?
[00:17:33] Speaker C: Ay, thine hair and thine and thine and thine. A smorgasbord of hair served with such wine as has never been enjoyed in this place. Hence, at the bottom of the wine list, great recompense.
[00:17:51] Speaker D: Ay, it be our hair they like, for our beauty they can taste. Why, mayhaps all of my hopes have not gone to waste.
[00:18:01] Speaker B: They want to eat our hair.
They want to eat our hair. I know our hair be beautiful, but they want to eat our hair.
[00:18:09] Speaker D: The rest of us be beautiful too, but they want to eat our hair.
[00:18:14] Speaker B: I typically don't want to eat beautiful things.
Like I see a painting, I don't wish to eat it.
[00:18:21] Speaker A: I pray thee, chef, I have seen thy dishes. Thy dishes are quite well composed. I disagree with that point. Thou take his cold on this front. If a beautiful hair mayst make a beautiful dish, then we shall provide. I claim this lock of my own hair. And I begin with this first cut. Ooh, I crave it.
[00:18:40] Speaker D: I if it do make the customer happy, as I want the customer to be, then don't. Just take hair from Mercutio. Also take hair from me.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: Hold on, hold on. Dost thou realize what would you do? Blind yourself if they wished to taste your eyes?
[00:18:56] Speaker A: Aye, aye, if it needs must happen. This is how they found the most Beauteous stars in heaven. This is our chance.
[00:19:04] Speaker D: Why, yes. Why, yes. This is our second dance, and I would do anything and I'd do it quick. Why, if they wanted to eat it, I'd cut off my own foot.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Aye, indeed. Cut off thy own foot. Truly, I think this is the greatest. Chef Antonio, thou hast a beautiful coat of hair. Hounds are covered in hair. They are renowned for their beauteous coats.
Fair Julia doth understand. For Julia hath cut up hair.
[00:19:29] Speaker B: I.
I just wish to offer you some sort of help.
I've seen more gross things nigh.
Ah. I've seen other hounds lick themselves. This take the cake to feed house others. Your hair.
I take off my doggy hat, Chef, for I no longer care. Woof.
[00:19:56] Speaker C: What ignoble service.
[00:20:00] Speaker B: I'm going to take a walk.
[00:20:05] Speaker C: Is he gone? I.
[00:20:07] Speaker D: He went out.
[00:20:08] Speaker C: Is this a terrible joke?
Please tell me he did just go out to smoke.
[00:20:13] Speaker D: I'd be sure he did. But we cannot know for sure without the chef. What a terrible time we'll endure. For even though we be with poseable thumbs more agile, all of us are so emotionally fragile.
[00:20:26] Speaker C: I would prepare the dish straight away, but that lovely dog was trained at CIA.
[00:20:35] Speaker D: But we must continue on, for that is our duty. For what we lack in culinary skills, we make up for with beauty.
[00:20:43] Speaker C: Ay.
Each of you put thine hair into the friar.
Lest of me to customer. You make a lyre.
[00:20:52] Speaker A: I pray thee. Fine couple. I am the manager of this establishment. How was thy meal?
[00:20:57] Speaker E: It's been lovely. There's been several hares. And my partner here did order something different than was served. But is is not.
Twas not a mistake or problem.
[00:21:13] Speaker D: Not a mistake, not a problem. It be but no worries. I do be, but chill.
[00:21:19] Speaker B: I havest cupcakes for it be. Est thou birthday, I hear?
[00:21:23] Speaker D: Ay, ay, it do be my birthday. Oh, ay, that be so nice of thee. That be so nice of thee. Wow.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: I pray thee. Thou seem' st quite upset. That seems quite chill.
It's all to your liking. Please tell us the truth. We are here to help. The captain is preparing a dish off menu for thee.
[00:21:45] Speaker E: Indeed. We are solely waiting for this off menu delicacy.
[00:21:49] Speaker D: Ay, yes, if it be no trouble at all. The hair of family size is exactly what we crave.
[00:21:56] Speaker A: The family size hair, indeed. Our best chef is working.
A chef is working on it. Chef Antonio, the titular hound, will return shortly and be helping thee.
Julia hath cut off her hair. There is hair from all the servers. All the finest Servers of the restaurant for thee?
[00:22:13] Speaker D: Aye. Did we make thine servers cut off thine hair?
We really want it to be no trouble at all.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: Thou art no trouble. They understand what you are. They understand. And they as well want to provide all that they may. They seek only what thou hast sought them for. Talent.
I pray thee, talk amongst thine selves. I will return to the kitchen. Help them out. I just wanted to confirm that thy table was set.
[00:22:39] Speaker E: Just wanted to confirm. Chef is dog.
[00:22:43] Speaker A: It is the hound.
Thou hast dined at the hound.
[00:22:47] Speaker E: We thank thee.
[00:22:48] Speaker B: Ay,
[00:22:51] Speaker E: it's a dog.
[00:22:52] Speaker D: It do be but a canine.
[00:22:55] Speaker E: Delicious.
[00:22:56] Speaker D: Meow,
[00:23:00] Speaker B: meow. Come to my restaurant across the street.
[00:23:06] Speaker C: Away, away, thou knave. I told thee ne' er darken my door again.
[00:23:10] Speaker B: No, not to spray bottle.
No, no, no, no. Oh, we serve. We serve fish.
[00:23:17] Speaker D: Alack.
[00:23:18] Speaker C: Get thee hence or I shall give thee another squirt.
[00:23:21] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:23:22] Speaker D: Oh.
[00:23:22] Speaker B: Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.
[00:23:24] Speaker C: A squirt of water.
[00:23:25] Speaker B: Up.
Come over later.
[00:23:31] Speaker D: I give you water.
[00:23:33] Speaker A: I persistent cur. Depart.
[00:23:35] Speaker B: Depart.
[00:23:36] Speaker D: I'm gone.
[00:23:37] Speaker E: Oof.
The rival restaurant do have a health grade of B. Ay, that be one
[00:23:43] Speaker D: better than C. Indeed. But the customer service cannot possibly be as accommodating as what we see here.
[00:23:50] Speaker E: No, I cannot believe that they would serve a bowl of hair across the street. Certainly not.
[00:23:56] Speaker D: I. If a feline restaurant were to serve a bowl of hair, would perhaps be pre digested.
[00:24:03] Speaker E: Well, yes.
[00:24:05] Speaker C: Good. My ladies, I please accept mine apologies.
That terrible, terrible feline from across the street didst interrupt thine dinner.
[00:24:14] Speaker D: Oh, and please accept mine apologies, for I do be sure that even though the actions were solely the felines, that mayhaps because of my demeanor, there was something that made it my fault.
This may be irrational, but I do believe that all of this be but my fault.
[00:24:35] Speaker E: Oh, did you summon a rifle bird restaurant?
[00:24:39] Speaker B: I know I the place upstairs. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Thou wishest to dine with us? Chirp, chirp, chirp. All the food was in my mouth first. Chirp, chirp, chirp.
We have an F rating.
[00:24:53] Speaker E: I will an F rating be lower
[00:24:55] Speaker D: than I've ever seen all the food
[00:24:57] Speaker B: be in my mouth first. Gives us an F. Chirp, chirp, chirp.
[00:25:01] Speaker C: Good, good. My ladies. I am but a mouse.
Have I a restaurant? I not entirely. For you see, I upon inside a chef's hat do espy. And I pull the Chevy's hair to and fro. And he my instructions.
No. And he will make a dish so quite divine that you will Say, mouse dining. How very fine.
[00:25:30] Speaker E: Has your chef their own restaurant or freelancer on the street?
Ratatouille, sir.
[00:25:39] Speaker C: He is but sous chef. That dost mean below, but finest restaurant finder that thou might know.
Ratatouille, you say? Ratatouille. There might be the finest sliced vegetation thou wouldst see.
[00:25:56] Speaker E: How lucky are we that all animals do wish us to dine with them.
[00:26:01] Speaker D: They do be courting us to be their customers. I only hope that it is not bothering the people that work at this establishment, for I simply do not want to be a bother to them.
[00:26:11] Speaker E: Indeed do seem a faux pas. Why, of course.
[00:26:16] Speaker D: I.
I never do this. I would never, ever do this. Please do know.
[00:26:21] Speaker E: Are you about to kill that rat?
Is that a sword?
[00:26:26] Speaker D: I. You. I have drawn my sword. And I do be but so.
So sorry that I am about to do what it is that I am about to do.
But thine must, unfortunately, in order to not inconvenience the people who work here, thine must unfortunately, die.
[00:26:49] Speaker C: No cheese jumps in the way.
Dead for a ducat am I.
Nevermore will I make food.
Nevermore shall I prepare the glorious cuisine.
O good my father, thou wert right, and to thee I say eternal good night.
[00:27:21] Speaker E: Perhaps the sea raiding was brought on by this rat coming in and out.
[00:27:25] Speaker D: Aye, for sure. Rat, bird, cat. Why, if an animal is meant to be there, then it makes sense.
[00:27:32] Speaker B: Sense?
[00:27:32] Speaker D: Why, the rating would not be affected. But if an animal shows up by surprise, lower the rating.
[00:27:37] Speaker E: That should indeed. Tis not the fault of this restaurant that these animals should be coming in and out, with the exception of the dog.
[00:27:46] Speaker D: Chef, I do say this. Oh, I do hate to complain. Of course, I do say this hair is but taking a minute.
[00:27:54] Speaker E: Indeed. We shall not ever allow them to know that we have noticed how much time has passed.
[00:28:02] Speaker D: I know. In fact, as soon as they come out with the hair, we shall act surprised, as though it came along quickly, when in reality, it has been longer than I feel it should have been.
[00:28:13] Speaker E: Indeed. Though perhaps it takes, like, a souffle or a paella.
Maybe it's like that.
[00:28:21] Speaker D: I.
Maybe it be but something that needs quite a lot of prep work and then quite a lot of cooking time. I do regret that we have theater tickets for this evening. Oh, Antigone waits for no hair.
[00:28:36] Speaker E: Indeed, a dilemma. But we shan't complain.
[00:28:40] Speaker D: Not. Nay, nay. Nor should we ask, nor should we check in. We shall sit here, and whatever time it gets here, it gets here. And if that doth mean that we miss Antigone in order to Keep these people that we've never met before and shall never see again happy. That is exactly what we shall do.
[00:29:00] Speaker B: Meanwhile, in the kitchen.
[00:29:02] Speaker A: Capitan Tan, thou hath the locks of hair of all the servants. Thou hath placed them within the fryer. Their time is running short. The need is most dire. How long until the dish that Antonio would approve?
[00:29:14] Speaker B: It hast collapsed.
We let it sit too long.
The hair flay, Chef.
[00:29:21] Speaker D: He's collapsed.
[00:29:22] Speaker A: Chef Antonio. They'll have returned for the hair flay.
[00:29:26] Speaker B: Oh, I be the guy who looks like him.
[00:29:28] Speaker A: Let me get him.
[00:29:29] Speaker B: Let me get him.
[00:29:30] Speaker A: Many dogs. That is my fault, Chef Antonio.
[00:29:33] Speaker B: You know what? I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
[00:29:37] Speaker D: That be your fault for saying all dogs do but look the same.
[00:29:41] Speaker A: I apologize. I have face blindness when it comes to dogs. They are all good puppers or they are all good doggos.
[00:29:47] Speaker D: Thou art not making a better case for thyself, I pray thee.
[00:29:52] Speaker A: Where is the chef?
I'm not going to say anything.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: I return to this.
[00:30:00] Speaker D: Aye, good Chef Antonio.
[00:30:02] Speaker B: A collapsed hair.
[00:30:05] Speaker A: A collapsed hair flay.
[00:30:06] Speaker B: It's disgusting. It's disgusting. You've tried to fry some hair. I'm a dog working in a kitchen and I've made some weird things.
I've never fucking fried hare before.
[00:30:19] Speaker A: Chef, you're frying hair.
[00:30:22] Speaker C: Dear Chef, please swear thee not an oath.
For we can serve the hare and delicacy both.
[00:30:30] Speaker B: What it be a delicacy not we serve, it be hair. Now you're no longer pretty. As pretty.
[00:30:36] Speaker A: My vanity, Chef, thou hath assaulted.
[00:30:38] Speaker B: I mean, you're okay, but the hair was the big thing.
[00:30:41] Speaker A: I pray thee, Chef, I believe Capitan Tan, before thy rude insults hurled, was saying we may use the hair as a garnish not to be served.
Thou hath taken thy anger out upon the staff.
[00:30:54] Speaker B: A wise man once told me no more than five per dish.
[00:30:59] Speaker C: And wise man was wise. As wise as one could wish.
But, sir, I have learned something over many, many a course.
A burnt hair might be improved by a lovely sauce.
[00:31:14] Speaker B: A sauce, you saith?
[00:31:16] Speaker C: A sauce may be perhaps bearnaise.
Perhaps a mornay. You see?
[00:31:22] Speaker B: Mmm.
Bearnaise.
Baconnaise.
Bacon, apple. Smoked bacon.
[00:31:34] Speaker C: He is inspired.
[00:31:35] Speaker D: Aye, let him cook. Let him cook.
[00:31:37] Speaker C: Aye. That is about what we do.
[00:31:39] Speaker B: Bacon.
Bacon.
Bacon strips.
Bacon griddle.
Steak.
[00:31:50] Speaker E: Mmm.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: Bacon steak.
[00:31:53] Speaker A: Hair covered. Bacon steak. Chef Antonio has done it again. Cover.
[00:31:58] Speaker B: Oh, oh, oh.
Covered.
Max of five.
Max of five.
[00:32:07] Speaker D: Chef Antonio, that be not what the customers ordered.
[00:32:10] Speaker B: It be my rule.
Thou take it or leave it. Ay, dog chefs don't grow on trees.
[00:32:19] Speaker D: That be but true.
[00:32:20] Speaker B: Only apple chefs do I that that be but true. And that be many blocks away.
[00:32:26] Speaker D: Why, yes.
[00:32:28] Speaker A: I pray thee, chef, thou hast taken this taint this hole and made it full.
I pray thee, let us take this steak to these. Thou shouldst as the dog chef, take this plate upon thy head. Show them the talent of thy good self. Keep it balanced upon thy nose. Give them their dish.
[00:32:46] Speaker B: Ay, and should the going be thick, I shall be the one to take the lick.
[00:32:54] Speaker D: Aye, for so anyway. I do but feel that Jennifer Lawrence do but be so talented.
[00:33:01] Speaker E: Agree? Do I?
[00:33:04] Speaker B: Excuse me. Oh.
[00:33:05] Speaker D: A dog doth approach a canine with a toque.
[00:33:09] Speaker B: It be me your dog chef.
[00:33:12] Speaker D: Oh.
Ay, I do thank thee.
[00:33:16] Speaker E: This be the chef. What an honor to meet thee.
[00:33:19] Speaker B: Ah, thank you, thank you. Thou' st be good. I like thee.
[00:33:25] Speaker D: We do like thee as well.
Who's a good chef?
[00:33:28] Speaker B: I'm a good chef.
Tis the etiquette.
Anyway, I never doeth this.
I know thou had a specific request, and I having zardy myself, but I went and modified thou' st order.
Thine order is less hairs than thou requested. I seldom say I know best.
But then customers seldom order hair.
Customers seldom order a pile of hair on a plate.
If thou orderest fried pickles or wishest ketchup upon thy steak, I shall not judge.
But this be hair on a plate.
This be a pile of hair on a plate thou' st humans wishest to order.
So I take it pon myself to certify I know best.
I be the best boy and give you bacon and steak, two normal foods with token hairs so that thou may try.
[00:34:54] Speaker D: I thank thee.
[00:34:55] Speaker E: I thank thee as well. This be not what we ordered.
[00:35:01] Speaker C: It vexes thee not the staff wouldst like to watch thee enjoy it?
[00:35:05] Speaker E: Ay, of course, yes.
[00:35:07] Speaker B: Gather round, all staff, and let us watch these customers eat their food.
[00:35:13] Speaker D: Ay, whilst then, I do believe that the result shall be that this shall be wonderful. I only predict.
[00:35:21] Speaker C: But pon your visage, we wish to see the joy when thou dost bite into it, you see.
[00:35:29] Speaker E: Do all staff wishest make eye contact as we partake upon this?
[00:35:35] Speaker C: Aye. Eyes are the windows of the soul. I. I say I. For I say yes. I wouldst looked into thy eyes and into thy soul so that I might see the delight of joy when it passes thy palate and into thy gustatorial stomach.
[00:35:52] Speaker B: Aye, we know you be anxious fellows, so we wish not for you to eat alone. We wish for you to Eat while watched so that thou may not be scared.
[00:36:03] Speaker D: Ay, because eating while watched shall relieve anxiety. For sure.
[00:36:09] Speaker B: It works for me. A dog.
[00:36:13] Speaker C: Ay, a dog doth like to be watched while eating. Therefore he might be safe. We shall keep thee safe as if thou were a dog.
[00:36:21] Speaker B: Ah, and a captain too wishes to dine with the crew.
[00:36:25] Speaker C: Ay, a terrible captain indeed, who dines in mess alone.
[00:36:30] Speaker D: Well, I do say that thou, staff, art the most beautiful people we have ever seen.
[00:36:37] Speaker E: Indeed, it is quite difficult indeed to partake in this bacon steak while being gazed upon by the most attractive people in all the land.
And a dog.
[00:36:49] Speaker B: And listen, call me this, call me a cheater. I know you wished to see a show, but tis not a restaurant theater.
[00:36:58] Speaker D: Ay, for if all the world's a
[00:37:01] Speaker E: stage would by technicality have to include the restaurants.
[00:37:07] Speaker C: Yes, ay, the restaurant is a stage.
The front of house where people enter and sit in anticipation of chef's wit.
Yet behind presidium, a curtain lies like those two doors go in and out as I espy.
And in the back, bright light chaos reigns while frantic chef and frantic sous chef trains.
And yet behind the scenes, we long to be the people who provide the joy to thee.
[00:37:47] Speaker D: So. So eat this we shall.
[00:37:49] Speaker E: Yum yum.
[00:37:50] Speaker D: No, it be but.
Mmm.
[00:37:54] Speaker E: Only some hair.
[00:37:56] Speaker D: Aye, yes, only some hair. It do be, but but not.
It do be but great.
[00:38:03] Speaker C: They do enjoy.
[00:38:06] Speaker B: Waiter.
[00:38:07] Speaker A: Phenomenal. We pray thee all, for we're emotional. Rex, we now present you your checks.
[00:38:12] Speaker D: I. Yes, the check you shall present and we shall pay and shall not resent. This was not what we ordered. But we shall pay anyway.
[00:38:20] Speaker E: We must pay and say nothing.
[00:38:21] Speaker D: Ah, yes, and tip 20%.
[00:38:23] Speaker E: Shall we tip 30%?
[00:38:25] Speaker D: 30% shall be good. After all, the service was incredibly personal.
[00:38:29] Speaker B: We see. The check is for the party next to. To them.
A 30 person birthday party with 5 bottles of wine for each section of the table.
[00:38:40] Speaker D: This Check be but 5,000 ducats. It do. It do seem to be for the party next to us.
[00:38:45] Speaker E: Say nothing.
[00:38:46] Speaker D: Yes, of course. I thank you so much. I thank thee. I thank thee most sincerely. Take my card. Do put a 30% tip on it. And I take. Take all the ducats that I own for this meal was wonderful. Life changing oak.
[00:39:02] Speaker C: This restaurant shall continue in continuity for look upon the size of this gratuity.
[00:39:07] Speaker B: Oh, indeed, this be. We not gypt. We have such a wonderful tip. Oh, look. Look upon this. Yes, we shall brag. Oh, thank you for the great tip. Thou wishest a doggy bag.
[00:39:23] Speaker C: Yes, Ay, my lady, A doggy bag thou shalt receive straight from the doggie, if thou canst believe.
[00:39:33] Speaker E: Indeed we be but lucky and wealthy for this food for later will be quite healthy.
[00:39:41] Speaker D: Ah, yes, of course.
It will keep us not many. And we unfortunately have missed Antigone.
[00:39:49] Speaker E: Alas, unhappy us.
[00:39:51] Speaker B: Chirp, would you like to come to my place for dessert?
[00:39:53] Speaker D: Chirp?
[00:39:54] Speaker B: Chirp.
[00:39:54] Speaker D: I never do this.
[00:39:56] Speaker B: No.
[00:39:57] Speaker E: Take the sword,
[00:40:00] Speaker B: my children.
[00:40:04] Speaker D: And as we go on from that day, you all know what the professionals do say that as we squiggle, squaggle and huddle, this to be the restaurants business model for with beautiful servers, a beautiful staff and a dog at the kitchen come to pass. We know that with the greatest gift to thee, the restaurant continues through with
[00:40:32] Speaker C: sympathy and indeed grew in renown throughout the sector.
At least until the visit of the
[00:40:40] Speaker B: health inspector when that inspector Specter came. I do say true, there were so many low letters given out in this block that appeareth more like a zoo.
[00:40:54] Speaker C: Indeed, this place doth look like a zoo.
I have never seen a letter grade
[00:41:00] Speaker B: of Q.
Ah, yes, and we know this all now. We knew twas the. Twas the origin of a story later to be told of this place and this specific grade a musical story, Avenue Q.
[00:41:16] Speaker A: And that's our show.
[00:41:23] Speaker C: You just heard co producer PJ Nally Ross Neal, Maria Nally, Joanna Borns and special guest Jason Specklin with editing and sound design by co producer Drew Robinson.
[00:41:33] Speaker B: If you liked this, follow us on
[00:41:35] Speaker C: Instagram, Instagram, YouTube and TikTok as alasimprov. We don't have very many posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready for when we do want to get in touch, email us at alasimprovshakeshakespeare at gmail com. Alas, the Improvised Works of William Shakespeare is a Hell yeah production.
