[00:00:01] Speaker A: Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: This episode containeth Javier Perez, Ross Neal, Joanna Borns, P.J. nally, and Drew Robinson.
[00:00:19] Speaker C: I saw yesterday my friend Savannah, who, like some of y' all might know, was in the Lower east side, and she got snowed on and I didn't. And I was in Bushwick, and I was like, how is. Why is the snow regional? This is insane.
[00:00:31] Speaker D: I like how you said she got snowed on as if that was some sort of.
[00:00:34] Speaker E: Like, I was really worried. Yeah, like someone did something.
[00:00:38] Speaker B: Like a box full of snow.
[00:00:39] Speaker D: She got snowed on.
[00:00:41] Speaker E: It's like if someone like, like, shakes out their dandruff out their windows, like, oh, man, my friend got snowed on the other day in the East Village.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Well, you can get legionnaires from the drips from air conditioning units.
[00:00:53] Speaker A: Well, that's a new fear unlocked.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Yeah. If it gets in your eye or your mouth, it's go from like one in a million to one in a thousand chance.
[00:01:00] Speaker D: I'm pretty sure that's happened to me, though.
I mean, not the legionnaires that I know of, but, like, the drips do get in my mouth and eyes, like, every day.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: Every day?
[00:01:09] Speaker D: Like, every day, there's.
[00:01:11] Speaker A: How often are you just hanging out underneath the air conditioner?
[00:01:13] Speaker D: I'm not hanging out. I'm just walking, minding my own business and drips in my mouth and eyes.
[00:01:18] Speaker C: But here's my question. Why are you looking up?
[00:01:20] Speaker D: I'm not. It's just like, I'm looking straight ahead and it goes into my eyes. Somehow I'd.
[00:01:27] Speaker A: Air current just, like, push.
[00:01:29] Speaker D: I'm not happy about.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: I think.
[00:01:31] Speaker C: I think you angered a wind God. Like, that's the only explanation. They're sending the drops to your eyes.
[00:01:36] Speaker D: I don't know if the wind has anything to do with it, though. I think it's a drops themselves.
[00:01:40] Speaker C: So you angered a drop God?
[00:01:42] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:01:42] Speaker C: That's terrifying.
[00:01:43] Speaker D: I angered a legionnaire.
[00:01:45] Speaker C: I was thinking about this the other day because I'm teaching my students, like, what percents are. So I have to go over, like, cent means 100, like, century, like, cents and a dollar. And then I ran out of words, so I was like, like, century centurion? Were there a hundred of those? Why are they called centurions? I truly have no idea.
[00:02:02] Speaker D: I feel like I don't know what this podcast was supposed to be about.
[00:02:06] Speaker B: The drop God sat beneath the storm, pondering his endless million part form, the God of rain and beats.
For when the music stopped, it was his feast.
[00:02:23] Speaker E: He Found his victims on the street. He found them all around the world for them with drippity drops he meets with every man, boy, little girl.
[00:02:38] Speaker C: The drop God spoke with a voice so fair. Listen to my music if you dare. If you do not, I shall curse you. So you have the disease that is
[00:02:49] Speaker A: granted to legionnaire within the legions of Caesar. Upon the isle of Manhattan, the anachronistic stew was bound to happen.
[00:03:00] Speaker D: One brave queen did act quite odd, for she had no fear of this God.
She lived her life doing whatever she pleased with no fear or respect for any drip disease.
[00:03:15] Speaker C: Her name was Sheba and she ruled over all.
She had no fear for her subjects would fall at the sound of her voice.
From one melodious tone she could call anyone to her as if speaking through a phone.
[00:03:33] Speaker E: And for this reason, oh, though it seems a blur. The wind God, the drip God loved her. For she was the only one who could not be dripped. She was the only one who could not be infected. She was the one whose odds he tipped. She was the one whose heart. Heart he corrected.
[00:03:55] Speaker B: We cut to a sewer, we see Queen Sheba with a knife and a flashlight hunting for the drip God. Attended by her lady in waiting.
[00:04:06] Speaker C: Mistress. Mistress. I wonder why art thou so intent on finding this God? Thou hast responsibilities to thy people.
And quite frankly, a conflict like this does not seem seem good for thy health.
[00:04:22] Speaker D: My heart has but one desire. It is to kill the drip God.
For he hath brought drips upon my people for far too many years. And I shall not stand for it any longer.
[00:04:37] Speaker C: Mistress, I must commend thee for thy devotion to thy people. But I must remind thee that the God is immortal, for that is what gods are.
[00:04:48] Speaker D: Thank you for commending me for my devotion to my people.
[00:04:52] Speaker C: So thou did not hear the second part of my statement.
[00:04:55] Speaker D: What second part?
[00:04:57] Speaker C: My lady, thou hast the best ears in the nation. They are not selective in the slightest.
[00:05:04] Speaker D: I thank thee.
Did you hear something?
What is that wretched sound?
[00:05:11] Speaker C: Ay, that be the drip, drip, drip of a God who wishes to make himself known.
Where is he? Let us catch him before the coop is flown.
[00:05:21] Speaker D: He should fear me.
For I have one desire, and that is a dead drip God.
[00:05:31] Speaker B: The water comes up and forms a king's throne out of gross sewage.
Upon it sits the drip God.
He's decked out.
He's got rings on every finger. He's got a crown that twists all the way down to his waist.
[00:05:51] Speaker C: My lady, get behind me. Though I do not have instruments of death, I know I shall defend thee with my final breath.
[00:05:57] Speaker D: No. I shall defend thee. I have an instrument of death. And now that the drip God hath made himself seen easier to kill in my eyes. Drip.
[00:06:07] Speaker E: Drip. Queen Shiva. We meet again, Queen Shiva. Upon your eyes I feast my gaze upon your eyes I look with love. You don't return my many letters. And yet I chase you still upon
[00:06:25] Speaker D: your disgusting sewage throne.
I fear your fate. I look only upon you with nothing but hate.
[00:06:35] Speaker E: What? Must this crown reach to my feet to impress thee? I shall make it so. It already twists to my waist. I shall twist it and twist it round. I shall Twist it round 20 men, if it doth please thee.
[00:06:50] Speaker D: It's nasty.
[00:06:51] Speaker E: Nasty is what I am. Nasty is what you must accept. You're the only one who's immune to my drip. My drip, my drip, all my one power.
[00:07:02] Speaker D: Prepare to spend the rest of eternity in hell. For I shall stab thee and it
[00:07:09] Speaker E: shall go right through for water. Be I stab.
See?
See? It just goes through. And I feel closer to you for you having stabbed my water.
[00:07:20] Speaker D: That's so nasty. Mistress. How. How must I defeat someone made of pure disgusting drapes?
[00:07:28] Speaker C: I warned thee that he was immortal, my lady. I do not know his methods. Be shady.
[00:07:33] Speaker D: There's nothing to do but retreat. For these disgusting drips make me wish to evacuate my lunch.
[00:07:40] Speaker A: Ah.
[00:07:41] Speaker C: Quickly lady, go, go. Out. Out.
[00:07:44] Speaker E: Ah.
She says she wants me gone. She says she wants nothing to do with me. And yet she chases me down my sewer. My sewer. Oh yes, she can see my sewer. The most beautiful sewer in all of the Jersey. Ah, what a beautiful place. What a beautiful kingdom I have built. And she shall seek me, I know still.
For I am the one she can't live without.
Drippity drip drip drip drippy drip drip, drought.
[00:08:15] Speaker C: We cut from here and we go to the aforementioned sewers of Jersey. We dive down through a steam vent, take a left past somebody's toilet. And as we go deeper in the the smells become stronger. We finally see a throne more slender than the one created by the Drip God earlier. And sitting on it, bored out of her mind, is a woman. She is the queen of Drip. And she is holding Horde whilst her husband goes out gallivanting.
[00:08:47] Speaker A: My Lady Gucci, Lord Japoptolis has gone forth to face his love.
Queen Sheba of the Overworld. Thou mayest be the most lovely creature in all of Christendom and all of Jerseydom. But wherein wilt thou not let the man go free? He seeks different pastures.
[00:09:09] Speaker B: Has my power faded such that thou Wouldst say that he loves another to my face in mine own court. I know the speculation that runs rampant in this sewage filled kingdom. I choose not to rule it, but rule it I do.
[00:09:23] Speaker A: My Lady. Gucci, there is no dishonor in swinging in the sewage.
There is none.
Look upon the people. They all admire the drip that thou hast. And they enjoy the drip, drip, drip of drippoptoles.
Thou art allowed to take a lover too. The Queen consort is a position of vital importance at the kingdom. Thou must needs be happy, I fear.
[00:09:50] Speaker B: Let me take you aside.
[00:09:51] Speaker A: I'm a lady.
[00:09:52] Speaker B: There's a hundred people waiting to hear from the Queen.
[00:09:55] Speaker E: Gucci, I took a ticket an hour ago.
And you'll wait your turn.
[00:10:00] Speaker B: The arrangement of our arrangement is most strange.
Yes, King Dryptophthalis, the God of Drips is allowed to find his fancy and haunt the caverns of any he wish. But I must remain faithful. Like the hallowed Persephone, I wait down here. This is my hell. I'm a captured queen from above in Manhattan. I was promised to the lead of the centurions.
[00:10:27] Speaker A: My Lady Gucci, thou hast proclaimed that thou wert captured. Are there shackles upon thy wrists? Are there shackles upon thy ankles? If the king needs must escape for Fairfields, thou mayest as well.
There is no need to keep thyself sequestered, trapped within these halls. Thy drip deserves to be seen.
[00:10:49] Speaker B: And as he says that, the light catches her many fine clothes just right. And indeed a rainbow opalescence is cast momentarily over the dirty sewage.
[00:11:00] Speaker A: The God Iris himself hath blessed thee with colors streaming forth amongst the sewage.
Another God has proclaimed thou needs must escape. This is a proclamation to thee.
[00:11:11] Speaker B: You think this is truly a message from Iris?
[00:11:14] Speaker A: Of course.
Iris is a God renowned for beauty. Thou art the most beauteous woman alive. Thy promise, Centurion, awaits thee within the legions. There mayest be some man who may know this marriage thou hast to King Drepophtolis and save thee the hassle of having to deal with it?
[00:11:32] Speaker B: It's not that simple. I mean, maybe with the power and the fortitude of Iris. But when I leave this swampy realm, the foot that steps over the threshold dissolves to water. The finger that reaches towards the sunlight puffs into mist. It's said that until a queen may breathe underwater, that I cannot go back to the realm above.
[00:11:56] Speaker A: Ay, my lady, that is a very.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: It seems hard. I didn't make it up.
[00:12:02] Speaker A: Methinks I would choose a medium. Curse Methinks. I have a thought. Methinks I have a thought. Within the prophecy thou hast been given. If the king Dropophtyles were to find another woman to claim the title of queen, that wouldst be a queen under the protection of the king. Therefore, breathing underwater within the seward, thou mayest be free, find thy lovely centurion. Thou mayest potato, potato, beauteous and married above ground.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: Aid. Aid. Remind me of your name. Aid.
[00:12:28] Speaker A: My lady. I am, of course, Armani.
[00:12:31] Speaker B: Armani. That name does suit you well.
So we must marry off mine husband, though unwilling he might be to a new lady of his choice. And he grant upon her the ability to breathe underwater.
[00:12:46] Speaker A: Aye. Armoni's exchange, if you will.
[00:12:50] Speaker B: You're overcoming me with emotion. It boils up from me like last night's sewage. We must be off to hook my husband up with some strange.
[00:13:00] Speaker A: Ay, away. We will. We will find the strange and take thee to thy loving. Centurion. Away.
[00:13:07] Speaker E: Well, centurions, I've got some news. The queen.
The queen is soon to be on the market.
[00:13:17] Speaker C: Oh, Are we talking about the Queen Sheba from our kingdom or the Queen of Drip from the neighboring kingdom of Jersey?
[00:13:25] Speaker E: The Queen of Drip, who, guess what, is actually from here.
[00:13:33] Speaker A: What?
[00:13:35] Speaker E: Rumor has it she wants to come back and have a centurion.
[00:13:40] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:13:43] Speaker C: We're centurions. That could be exciting.
[00:13:47] Speaker E: I know. I've been waiting for this. I've been practicing my spear throwing. I've been practicing my slaying.
I have ridden so many horses, you wouldn't believe. My calves look like watermelons.
[00:14:01] Speaker D: Oh, my God, they do.
[00:14:03] Speaker E: I know. They're green and striped, and if you cut them open, they're very sweet and have seeds.
[00:14:11] Speaker C: Hast thou tested this?
[00:14:13] Speaker E: Oh, yeah. I had a barbecue last week.
[00:14:16] Speaker C: Thou knowest that the way to a queen's heart is not thy strength of jousting, but through thy words and character. So I worry that thou efforts may be in vain.
[00:14:26] Speaker E: Oh, Bookwormio, you always go back to words.
[00:14:30] Speaker C: Oh, watermelon, Watermelon. Yo. You know I do.
[00:14:34] Speaker E: Oh, my God. Are you gonna quote some Proust again, Benny?
[00:14:39] Speaker C: Vidi, vici.
[00:14:43] Speaker B: Good Proust.
Bookwormio.
You should. Watermelonie.
[00:14:48] Speaker C: I know.
I always do.
[00:14:51] Speaker E: It's just I've never been with a queen before.
And honestly, I've never even been in love.
[00:14:57] Speaker D: Oh, that's. That's so sad. I've been with so many queens. It's overrated.
[00:15:03] Speaker E: What?
[00:15:03] Speaker D: It's overrated.
[00:15:05] Speaker E: Oh, wait.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: What queens have you been with?
[00:15:07] Speaker C: Tell us more, Queen Bangsio.
[00:15:09] Speaker D: Oh, yeah, well, you know, there's, like. You probably wouldn't have heard of any of them is the thing. There's just, like, so many of them that I forget their names.
[00:15:19] Speaker C: Name one.
[00:15:23] Speaker D: Quinn.
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Queen.
[00:15:31] Speaker D: Yeah, she was sexy, but I dumped her.
[00:15:36] Speaker E: Why? Why?
[00:15:37] Speaker B: That gives you all the power when you dump a powerful woman.
[00:15:40] Speaker D: Yeah, that's like the Centurion spirit, you know?
[00:15:44] Speaker C: Yeah, we all know the Centurion motto. It gives you power when you dump a powerful woman.
[00:15:52] Speaker E: Oh, my God. That's why I want a woman so bad. Okay.
[00:15:55] Speaker A: You want a woman just to dump her.
[00:15:57] Speaker E: Just to dump her.
[00:15:58] Speaker C: I pretty much stop Watermelon Eo.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: That's pretty fucked up.
[00:16:02] Speaker E: Y' all just said that was our fucking motto.
[00:16:04] Speaker C: It was cool when Queen Bangsio did it. It's cool when we do it, but Watermelon Eo, I gotta be honest, it's not a good look on you.
[00:16:10] Speaker A: It's. Having power over them is one thing. Having power just to dump them is another.
[00:16:15] Speaker E: I feel like this is a double standard. Y' all are getting power from dumping all these queens, and meanwhile, I'm being judged for talking about potentially dumping a queen for the power.
[00:16:26] Speaker B: We're negging you because your calves are so powerful that, in a way, you embody the power and grace of a qu. But in the body of a centurion.
[00:16:35] Speaker E: Listen, thank you.
I appreciate the compliment. And I want to clarify that this would be a mutual situation where she would go in knowing she's getting dumped.
[00:16:50] Speaker C: Huge hitch.
[00:16:52] Speaker E: I just want her to know, hey, about three to four weeks in, you're going to dump town.
[00:16:58] Speaker A: And that's. I feel like that's more like a situationship.
[00:17:01] Speaker B: Oh, over there. I think it's Queen Sheba emerging from the sewers.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: That's a powerful woman.
Ugh.
[00:17:09] Speaker D: The sewer. Disgusting.
[00:17:12] Speaker C: Mistress, could you go all the way up? I can't boost thee forever.
[00:17:15] Speaker D: Boost me more, mistress.
[00:17:20] Speaker C: Up you go, Mistress Sheba. Ah.
[00:17:23] Speaker E: Oh, hello.
[00:17:27] Speaker D: Who are these centurions?
Your calves are quite large.
[00:17:33] Speaker E: Yeah, they've got lots of seeds.
[00:17:36] Speaker D: What?
[00:17:39] Speaker E: I heard once that it's cool to have calves like watermelons. And so I took it really far.
I went to a witch, and the witch made sure they'd really be like watermelon. Like, literally. Like, you know how, like, in Christian tradition, sometimes they transfigure bread into Jesus body?
My calves were transfigured into watermelons, but literally.
[00:18:05] Speaker D: So Jesus made your calves into watermelons? Is that what you're saying?
[00:18:09] Speaker E: Are you Even listening. A witch did it. Like, Jesus did it to Jesus, but
[00:18:15] Speaker C: the witch's name was Jesus, so it is confusing.
[00:18:18] Speaker E: It is confusing. The witch was also named Jesus. Separate Jesus. Oh, my God. Jesus. Like, okay, everyone else can. Everyone, like, multiple people can have a name, but when it's Jesus, you're just fucked because there's one really big Jesus. It's like anyone can be named Michael, even though there are famous Michaels. But, like, my God, this poor witch. This poor witch.
[00:18:38] Speaker C: It's a poor witch.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: She probably developed her magical powers to, like, overcompensate for all the abuse she got as a child from getting that name.
[00:18:46] Speaker E: Thank you, Psychoanalytico.
We really appreciate having your perspective here.
[00:18:52] Speaker B: I can't diagnose without seeing someone in person, so I don't know. But from what you're describing, I would say she's a classic case of herb or comp. I'm setting.
[00:19:01] Speaker E: Thanks. I might refer her to you.
[00:19:03] Speaker C: All right, guys, I feel like.
Can I just sidebar with the rest of the centurions for a second? Guys, I really feel like we're getting in the way of watermelonia's rizz right now. Like, a Queen of Sheba said she liked his leg. And, like, let's not ruin this moment for him.
[00:19:15] Speaker E: Okay, you're right.
[00:19:16] Speaker A: You're right.
[00:19:17] Speaker C: All right, everybody give him a hoorah of support and then leave. Ready? 1, 2, 3.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: Hoorah.
[00:19:23] Speaker E: Thanks, y'. All. That's my squad.
[00:19:25] Speaker D: Well, do you feel like your watermelon calves could assist in the destruction of a Drip Guard?
[00:19:32] Speaker E: Absolutely. I'd do anything for you, Queen.
[00:19:35] Speaker D: Your lack of self respect repulses me. However, I feel. I feel your calf skills could be useful in my quest to destroy my enemy.
[00:19:46] Speaker E: Ay, well, one condition have I. That we together be for three to four weeks, and then you ride the express train to Dump Town.
[00:20:03] Speaker D: Ah, yes. I fear not, Dump Town, for I agree to your terms.
[00:20:09] Speaker C: Mistress, art thou agreeing to be this. This. This cad? This centurion's four week situationship.
[00:20:17] Speaker D: You must look beyond the calves in the situationship toward the ultimate goal of destruction of the Drip God.
[00:20:25] Speaker C: My good Queen Sheba, I do lack thy wisdom, but I must advise you not to fall in love with the first man thou meet.
[00:20:33] Speaker D: Love is. Has no place in this arrangement.
It is sheerly a situationship. Know you not. Situationship?
[00:20:43] Speaker C: So long as thou guards your heart, I will not interfere.
Have fun.
[00:20:49] Speaker E: Oh, my God. We should set her up with Psychoanalytico. They're really analytical.
[00:20:57] Speaker D: Mistress, wish thee to have a situationship as well?
[00:21:04] Speaker C: Not particularly. But if it is thy desire, Mistress, I shall follow it, as is my sworn duty.
[00:21:10] Speaker D: Oh, well, this must be a choice of thine own.
[00:21:14] Speaker C: I'm sorry, did thou say I must make a choice?
[00:21:17] Speaker D: Yes, thou.
Mistress, I've never seen such steam exit thy ears.
[00:21:26] Speaker E: Oh my God. Like thou. Mistress's eyes roll like slot machines.
[00:21:32] Speaker D: Are you bewitched?
[00:21:34] Speaker C: Mistress, thou hast never asked me to make a choice. In the many years in fact when I have made choices, thou hast actively ignored them due to thy selective hearing. I do not know if I am capable of making a decision in this moment. Tell me, dost thou wish me to date the analytico or not?
[00:21:50] Speaker D: Truly, I possess not a care in the world what thy relationship is with anyone.
[00:21:59] Speaker C: Mistress, thou art breaking my brain. At this very moment.
I shall follow you to the end of the earth that thou hunts thy quarry. But please, do not ask me to make another decision again or we shall find ourselves back in this predicament. Now, Watermelonio, whilst thou join us on this quest and bind this situationship in the blood of our enemies.
[00:22:22] Speaker E: Oh, my God, yes. I've never bound anything in blood before.
[00:22:26] Speaker D: Well, bound in blood. Shall we?
It is done.
[00:22:31] Speaker E: Wow.
Away.
Let's go slay that.
Wait. We do have to slay someone.
[00:22:40] Speaker D: The Dripguard. My mortal enemy must be slain.
Yes.
[00:22:44] Speaker E: Let's do it.
Away. Oui, bravi.
[00:22:49] Speaker A: Queen Gucci, we are within the bounds of the realm of the sewers. There lies the Centurion's camp. Is't a hundred meters or more?
Thou art safe here, within the bounds we may call upon thy lovely Centurion. Dost thou know the name of thy Centurion?
[00:23:04] Speaker B: Yes, the Centurion I was promised to Was.
Was, Was.
Was. Water Millennio.
[00:23:14] Speaker A: What a millennio. A beautiful name, Lady Gucci. A beautiful name.
[00:23:20] Speaker B: And both of us were in our salad days together. Him green like a cabbage, or some other kind of round thing growing from the earth that dost be green. And I green metaphorically.
[00:23:31] Speaker A: Through my inexperience thou hast away with verdant viridian colors.
Truly verily and viz as well. The sibilance and assonance flows from thy tongue as twere wordsmith, Lady Gucci.
[00:23:45] Speaker B: But how can my words flow across this hundred feet when I am bound by this boundary of the sewer?
[00:23:53] Speaker A: Thou canst yell, reach out to thy love. Look, there are Centurions across the way.
Art thou a woman?
Dost thou not have lungs?
[00:24:04] Speaker B: Of course I have lungs.
You. You forget yourself. You go too far.
[00:24:11] Speaker A: Armani.
[00:24:11] Speaker B: Armani. Watch my lungs. In business.
What a millennio.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: That was good.
[00:24:20] Speaker B: He didn't even turn. He's too busy talking to that cad. Some sort of queen from this realm.
[00:24:28] Speaker A: Thou hast a thought.
[00:24:30] Speaker B: Only half of one. Could you fill in Armani? I need your tailoring skills to sew up this thought for me.
[00:24:37] Speaker A: Ay, follow my wit, and I will join this fabric together in a suit of my own design. Crafting for thee, historian. Now wherein thou needs a queen to marry Drepoptoles and thou cravest Marsha Millennium. It's possible to draw them both in under the power of iris coloring. We summon thy husband. Tripoptales. We summon thy lover. Watch a Millennial. We summon that cad, Sheba. All together amidst the midst of the sewer. We convince each of you in some kind of farcical manner to find each other in the mist. Thou stays within the bounds of the sewers. Watch a Millennial. And Sheba is here. And there we are.
[00:25:15] Speaker B: We should hold a sex party where everyone must wear a mask.
[00:25:20] Speaker A: Swingers and upside down pineapples for everyone.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: Yes. Okay. We. I have a magical whistle from the Super Mario Brothers that will summon my husband once. It will only summon my husband once. So we must prepare the sex party perfectly and have masks for all the participants. Then in this farce, we shall switch water. Millennial's.
[00:25:45] Speaker C: No.
[00:25:45] Speaker B: Queen Sheba's mask with mine. So she have the appearance of me, and I have the appearance of her. And. And when my husband, God Tryptopolis, thinks he be sliding into my DMs. That's a metaphor again. He really be getting with a new queen.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: And thou art free to escape with Watchmelenio. Whomst thou sayest thou lovest?
[00:26:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
I mean, I love the feeling of freedom. I mean, really, when you've been trapped in a difficult relationship for so long, it's hard to see what one idolizes. Either the freedom or the person that represents that freedom.
[00:26:19] Speaker E: Honey, it be me home from business of sewer.
[00:26:25] Speaker B: I carefully put the whistle away in my back dress pocket.
[00:26:29] Speaker E: I hear the whistle.
The whistle blown by wind of pockets.
[00:26:36] Speaker B: Oh, it was too early. I was preparing a surprise for you, my husband.
[00:26:41] Speaker E: A surprise for me?
[00:26:43] Speaker B: I know how much you like cheating on me.
[00:26:47] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:26:47] Speaker E: Tis my favorite pass of time.
[00:26:50] Speaker B: And how much you hate me doing the reverse.
[00:26:53] Speaker E: Ay. Tis my least favorite pass of time.
[00:26:58] Speaker B: Well, me and my assistant Armion have prepared a most delightful and kinky little idea.
And I use my queen Powers the water starts forming like orgy things. Which I guess is like. Like a lot of drapes.
[00:27:17] Speaker A: I present the upside down pineapples, my lord. Hippopotyles. Yeah.
[00:27:20] Speaker E: Oh, my.
Oh, my lord. My queen.
Thou art so repressed.
Thou shalt resort to such measures.
Thou.
Thou wishest that bad.
Or love.
[00:27:42] Speaker B: I had not been prepared to be seen in this moment. You see through me like a cloudy, murky water. The clearest liquid I can imagine down here.
[00:27:50] Speaker E: I thought I you enjoyed sitting in a room alone.
Thought I? Perhaps tis the greatest honor of a queen not to be bothered with such things as love and affection.
[00:28:06] Speaker B: And for a time, I did. I mean, yay. I did scroll through my phone without notifications or outside world for many a year. But the tick tock has come and gone. And now I desire for a new fancy.
But I. I truly have come to be accustomed to you. And I don't want you to be alone down here. And my body turns a liquid as soon as I try to step over the threshold.
[00:28:31] Speaker E: Aye. Tis true. An old family tradition.
We shall find you a new way. You find me a new queen, you no longer be the queen.
[00:28:42] Speaker A: I.
[00:28:43] Speaker B: Okay. Well, I think my subterfuge might now just be regular fuge. We still have the kinky orgy.
[00:28:54] Speaker E: Thou seems set. Thou seems real set.
[00:28:58] Speaker B: I'm a planet Gucci.
[00:28:59] Speaker A: I. I am with your lord husband at this. Thou seemest quite set upon a kinky orgy.
[00:29:05] Speaker B: All right. A regular orgy. No kink.
[00:29:08] Speaker A: Thou art allowed to have sexual passions. Neither myself nor Lord Dripoptolis deny thou art allowed passions wherein thou art merely fixated upon that. You can do the sex thing if you would like to do the sex thing. But we're saying that we needs just must find another queen, annul the marriage and grant thee freedom.
[00:29:26] Speaker E: No, no.
Freedom is now. And later thou may have all the. The kink thou wishes. Kinked. We shall be a quest of the side, perhaps appearing off of cameras and shall be enjoyable to thee. But for me, for my wishes, a new queen shall allow you to have orgies wherever you want.
[00:29:50] Speaker B: But your queen hate the sea sight of you.
Your preferred queen would rather see you dead. She doth slash at you with a knife, even though that be foolish. Thou art made of water. Less am I. Ay.
[00:30:01] Speaker E: Tis true. So why to an orgy invite? Would she respond positively with masks?
[00:30:10] Speaker A: Prithee, there is a thought. Thy king is made of water.
Thy love's name sake is the watermelons. Which art his calves.
[00:30:21] Speaker E: I shall enter his calves.
[00:30:23] Speaker B: Oh, yes. This is much simpler than my plan. Keep going, please.
[00:30:27] Speaker A: Nay, nay. Lord Dropotilis has to greed.
[00:30:30] Speaker E: I shall enter his calves.
[00:30:33] Speaker A: Wherein the bounds of one body, two men, and therein the love of Sheba and thyself has been freed.
[00:30:41] Speaker B: Where do we cut to?
[00:30:42] Speaker C: We cut to the centurions talking in a circle.
Oh, my God. Watermelonian.
Your calves are looking extra juicy today.
[00:30:54] Speaker E: Juicy? I just woke up and they had swelled like watermelons.
[00:31:00] Speaker C: I think it's the affection of the Queen Shiva that is causing this.
Thou should consult with thy calves to ensure that this is not an omen from the gods that they do not wish thou to do something that's so specific. Consult with thy gaz.
[00:31:15] Speaker B: Sometimes I think that past experiences in your life make you hyper vigilant for like things that were one off circumstances. And now you're projecting it onto new circumstances.
[00:31:24] Speaker E: Yes.
[00:31:25] Speaker C: For example, I remember when I got my own visit from the gods. I mean, my eyelashes were on fleek one day and I talked to the lashes and I said, girl, what is the issue?
And they said, you need to be a centurion. So I went and I got trained and here I am. We don't ignore summons from the gods, people.
[00:31:44] Speaker E: All right, okay, okay. This be not a session of psychoanalytico. Okay?
[00:31:50] Speaker A: I prithee. Water millennio. Weren't the and Queen Sheba set to go to the sewer's edge this afternoon?
[00:31:58] Speaker E: I to slay the k.
[00:32:03] Speaker A: Methinks I spy the queen approaching.
Thou needs must prepare thyself.
[00:32:09] Speaker D: What a mellenio.
Thy calves, are they ready for battle?
[00:32:14] Speaker E: Ay, they are larger than ever. They swell like my love for situationships.
[00:32:23] Speaker D: As you know, there is no love in situationships. However, those calves truly appear as though they could kill.
[00:32:36] Speaker E: Aye, these calves could kill.
These calves are so fierce they could kill.
[00:32:42] Speaker D: My one true wish is death upon the drip king.
[00:32:46] Speaker E: Oh, no.
Am I to be the instrument of my own demise?
For they shall seek the sewer and
[00:32:53] Speaker B: I be in the calves or inside a calf. It's like big pink walls.
[00:32:59] Speaker E: What am I to do? My queen's one wish be but my death do I grant her. Thus do I allow the calf itself to swallow me whole.
Tis it worth dying for my love if death take my love.
[00:33:14] Speaker B: My lord, it's me, your queen. Gucci. From the other calf.
[00:33:18] Speaker E: I inserted to the other calf. Were you my queen. My queen, thou must slay me.
[00:33:26] Speaker A: No, no.
[00:33:27] Speaker B: I am here to encourage you. I shall not slay you. I shall say you slay king.
You slay you can woo Queen Sheba. You can produce in her a feeling that is as strong as hate, but the opposite.
A love relationship.
[00:33:47] Speaker E: Tis so scary to think.
[00:33:50] Speaker B: You must show her that you can love her beyond four weeks, as no man on earth is able to.
[00:33:55] Speaker E: I shall wiggle this calf in the hopes it may draw her eye.
[00:34:00] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Watermelonia. Look at thy calves go. Thou art doing a jig.
[00:34:06] Speaker E: Oh, my God. I'm not even controlling it.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: That flexion.
[00:34:09] Speaker E: Wow.
[00:34:10] Speaker D: The movement of these calves calves feels truly otherworldly.
[00:34:16] Speaker E: Oh, my God.
This isn't even me. Oh, my God.
[00:34:21] Speaker C: There are faces in thy calves.
[00:34:23] Speaker E: Oh, my God.
[00:34:24] Speaker C: One masculine, one feminine.
[00:34:26] Speaker D: Are thy calves bewitched?
[00:34:28] Speaker E: Oh, my God. Maybe that could have happened.
[00:34:30] Speaker B: I mean, I think they're specifically bewitched.
[00:34:33] Speaker E: I mean, they were specifically bewitched, but they could be super bewitched now. They could have been bewitched upon bewitched.
[00:34:40] Speaker D: A double bewitched.
[00:34:41] Speaker E: I've double bewitching.
[00:34:42] Speaker C: Thy calves continue to grow and grow. And the faces become more prominent. Oh. Oh, God. Watermelonio. They look to be on the verge of bursting. Watermelanio. Get thee to a nuttery. Watermelanio.
[00:34:52] Speaker B: What is happening?
[00:34:53] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:34:54] Speaker D: Oh.
[00:34:55] Speaker E: Tis I.
No, Lord Trip.
The calves you admired were me and my queen.
[00:35:05] Speaker D: Oh, there's so much disgusting drip water everywhere.
[00:35:08] Speaker E: Tis sweet, this drip water now. Tis the sweet juice of watermelon. I make myself sweet for thee.
[00:35:15] Speaker D: Oh, my bowels. They retch with disgust.
[00:35:20] Speaker E: Ah.
Even in sweetest of form, I cannot please you.
[00:35:24] Speaker D: No.
I wish not to be on this earth any longer.
[00:35:29] Speaker B: Please.
[00:35:30] Speaker E: I shall go. I shall do anything be to me make you happy.
[00:35:35] Speaker D: Then go.
Go to the sewer and never return.
[00:35:40] Speaker E: Thou approachest me in the sewer.
Thou approachest me in the sewer, where I only can live.
Where therefore do I go then?
[00:35:52] Speaker D: Why? Why do thine drips torment us above the sewer?
[00:35:58] Speaker E: I.
Tis my outlets above thee, in thine buildings.
They give me a chance to say hello.
[00:36:08] Speaker D: Then hello. No more, wretched drip king.
[00:36:13] Speaker B: But wait. The Queen Gucci bursts from the other calf.
I only have a short time. The blood and viscera and watermelon slime has made this street as gross as down below in the sewers. And it's allowing me to slowly be here.
Queen Sheba, this is our only chance to be above in this sunlit world. Though my husband's form be disgusting, when he drips from air conditioning units above, aiming for your mouth, he only attempts to taste something as sweet as he can see.
[00:36:49] Speaker E: Do you?
[00:36:50] Speaker B: I'LL say it again and it will make more sense.
He only wishes to taste by going in another person's mouth as something as sweet as he can see from below a manhole cover.
[00:37:04] Speaker E: Okay, Assistant Armani, please, please, please. To my wife get some sort of meat some. Get my. Get my wife some satisfaction.
[00:37:15] Speaker A: I prithee. Queen Gucci, we need most into the sewers for the moment.
Thou hast the vapors. Thou hast the vapors of the drops.
[00:37:21] Speaker E: The.
[00:37:22] Speaker A: The droppers, if you will.
Queen Sheba, I have listened to thy centurions many a time. I prithee, give King Drippoptoles three, four weeks. Thou wilt have power over him.
If thou hast power over him, then thou mayest kill him and free thee from the sewers.
And if not, maybe love may bloom. Tis possible. And therefore, either way, Queen Sheba may have King Drippophthalis and kill them eventually. You may have Queen Shiba and Queen Juguchi.
[00:37:53] Speaker B: May us walk the earth and date Watermelenio. If I can possibly have that wish. Even with his burst calves.
[00:38:00] Speaker A: Those calves are very burst, my queen. Those calves are very burst.
[00:38:03] Speaker B: I loved him for his face, which no one had mentioned yet. But it's beautiful.
[00:38:07] Speaker C: I'm trying to staunch the bleeding. It's really bad. Over here. Watermelanio. Stay with us. Stay with us.
[00:38:12] Speaker E: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait. I shall save thee. Tis there's only one way.
Centurions, all four of you, gather.
[00:38:23] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:38:23] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:38:26] Speaker E: Tis only one spell. Know. I shall save thee. I shall turn thee into turtles that shall live in the sewers with me. For turtles cannot bleed out.
[00:38:40] Speaker A: For Watermelenio.
All right.
[00:38:44] Speaker C: To be as green as water Millennial. And to have shells as hard as his thighs would be an honor.
[00:38:51] Speaker E: An honor. Thou shalt be the hardest. Thou shalt be four. Not of a hundred, no more.
[00:38:57] Speaker B: And if water Millennial be trapped in the sewer as a turtle, then I guess I'll stay in the sewer as well. For I, Queen Gucci, can only be where my love is.
[00:39:09] Speaker E: Ay, sounds good to me.
[00:39:11] Speaker C: Ay. And because thou love to drip so, thy husband loved to drip so much from the sky, thou shalt be named after the rainiest of the months, April
[00:39:24] Speaker E: Bookwormio. How literary. Thank you.
And you, Queen Shiva, my dilemmas would
[00:39:31] Speaker D: be fewer if all were cast into the sewer.
Please let it be done.
[00:39:37] Speaker C: Yes, mistress. As soon as this is dealt with, you can go back to leading your people, which you have been forsaking throughout this entire quest.
[00:39:45] Speaker D: Yes, that's exactly what I'll do. Leading the people, of course.
[00:39:50] Speaker E: Suspicious sounds this.
[00:39:52] Speaker B: Yeah, when you say it that way.
[00:39:54] Speaker C: All right. Well, shall we become turtles?
[00:39:57] Speaker A: I think we sha na na na
[00:40:03] Speaker E: na na na na. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Turtles, thou be turtle power.
[00:40:10] Speaker A: Turtle power.
[00:40:11] Speaker D: Oh, man. Become turtle before my eyes.
[00:40:16] Speaker E: Miraculous, ay, and seek indeed. Seek thou no more. I shall. For turtles I have for company.
[00:40:23] Speaker D: I feel insulted that your eternal love for me could be replaced by four turtles. But it is what I desired.
[00:40:32] Speaker E: I take pride in that. My love for thee was four turtles worth.
Took four turtles, not merely one, to equal you in my eyes now.
[00:40:45] Speaker D: Correct. You are four turtles.
Four turtles. Truly much richer than one turtle.
[00:40:53] Speaker E: Ay. Tis true.
And you?
Oh my God. I've been waiting for someone to be in a relationship with.
[00:41:02] Speaker B: Wait, a real relationship? When we were young and greener, you only wanted to date for three, maybe four weeks.
[00:41:11] Speaker E: Ay, and I still do. But I shall eternally come back to you. We shall dump, return, and dump, return for all of eternity.
[00:41:25] Speaker B: I'll get a round trip ticket to dump town anytime. For you, Water Millennio and my power shall be great.
[00:41:33] Speaker E: And we shall fight the enemies of the sewers.
[00:41:37] Speaker B: And from then on, the Ninja Turtles and Watermelenio, who is the lead turtle. Watermelenio defended the sewers of Manhattan while Queen Sheba ruled above.
[00:41:54] Speaker C: And Queen Sheba, though began with the intent of ruling, did quickly grow bored of the task and tried to find yet another immortal deity to murder.
[00:42:03] Speaker D: Who shall I kill?
[00:42:05] Speaker E: Asked this she to her assistant mistress.
[00:42:08] Speaker C: I quit.
I require a job with a 401k.
Something with someone who will listen to what I say.
[00:42:15] Speaker D: Very well. To the sewer with you.
[00:42:18] Speaker C: And so she moved to the sewer to join the turtles.
[00:42:21] Speaker E: And her name, Shredder.
[00:42:26] Speaker B: That's a show.
You just heard. Javier Perez, who played Shredder, the queen's lady in waiting. And Bookwormio the centurion. Ross Neil, who played Armani and a centurion. Joanna Borns, who played Queen Sheba and Queen Bangzalot, the centurion. PJ Nally, who was our co producer and played the drip God. And Water Millennio, the centurion. And Drew Robinson, who is our co producer, sound designer and played Lady Gucci. And psychoanalytico the Centurion. If you liked this, check us out on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube as alasimprov. We don't have very many posts yet, but we'd love for you to be ready for when we do. If you want to get in touch, email
[email protected] Alas, the improvised works of William Shakespeare is a Hell yeah production.
